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    : 320



    Mixed signals

    Brianna Michelle Ferrell - 21/09/2019 20:00

    Today, my boyfriend took me out to a fancy dinner. Halfway through, he said he wanted to break up. I started crying, but the whole restaurant thought he'd proposed, and started clapping. FML
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    "wolfssb135" - 23/10/2017 22:00

    Today, I deeply underestimated my baby nephew's climbing skills. I returned from the bathroom to find a broken vase, spilled powder formula, and my phone wiped clean from too many incorrect password attempts. FML
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    Shy guy

    Big_gulps_huh - - United States - Minneapolis

    Today, I realized I am more confident running a million-dollar piece of construction equipment than I am around people of the opposite sex. FML
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    Caveman fetish

    Anonymous - 18/08/2022 21:58

    Today, my boyfriend lost his temper at me for the first time ever after 2 years of dating, and actually raised his voice. It turned me on, and I don’t just mean on, I mean OOONNNNNN. I was so wet it ran down my thighs and made an obvious damp spot in my jeans. FML
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    Bwberry - 29/11/2017 19:00

    Today, I spent hours hand-painting an awesome design on a gift for a friend. My husband was supposed to assemble it when I finished, but when I stepped back to admire my work, he informed me that the whole thing was sideways. He watched me paint it. FML
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    gross - 15/07/2016 03:06 - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

    Today, after giving a potential employee a drug test and instructing her to leave her urine sample in the bathroom, she not only brought it into the office, she spilled it on the front desk. FML
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    Naughty girl

    Anonymous - 31/10/2019 14:00 - Canada - Prince George

    Today, my mom found out that I got a tattoo two years ago. She got mad and spanked me. I'm 33 years-old. FML
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    Threesome

    tkdbb11790 - 20/11/2019 14:00

    Today, my girlfriend asked me what I wanted for my birthday. Apparently “A threesome” is not the appropriate answer. FML
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    maxmess - 21/06/2016 21:39

    Today, I'm staying with my in-laws. I'm obsessive about cleanliness and neatness. They're candidates for a certain show about hoarders. I want to shower in bleach. FML
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    How kind...

    NoThanks - 11/05/2018 01:30

    Today, despite my objections, a 50-year-old guy at a bar tried to convince me that my "biological clock is ticking" and that it was time to have kids, "before it's too late". He then offered his help in this noble endeavor. FML
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    Shitty day - 24/05/2016 05:59 - United States - Agoura Hills

    Today, while explaining to a group of kids that monkeys are very intelligent creatures, one of them flung poo in my face. FML
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    Mystery

    Sarraahh - 19/04/2020 05:00 - Canada

    Today, my 65-year-old grandmother called and asked me to tell my boyfriend that she was flattered, but she's happily married. I have no idea what she was talking about and my boyfriend refuses to talk to me. FML
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    shrutisoma - 12/05/2016 04:54 - Australia - Strathfield

    Today, I was at work when a customer came up to me and asked where and what I used to get my tan. I'm Indian. FML
    13 315
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    Warts and all

    Anonymous - - United States - Anchorage

    Today, I woke up from surgery to find that the chronic warts on my right hand hadn't been removed. The doctor informed me that they'd grown into my radial nerve, so impossible to remove without permanent paralysis. My immune system sucks, so this is just in my hand forever. FML
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    TheNotSoGoodDay - 25/04/2016 23:29 - United States - Charlestown

    Today, my brothers thought it would be funny to put me inside a huge luggage bag we got for a trip to Canada. It was all fun and games until they dragged me outside, kicked me down a few steps, and left me stuck in the bag, locked outside with the cat. FML
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    Age ain't nothing but a number

    why lie - 04/06/2020 20:00

    Today, my boyfriend renewed his driver's license and showed me the picture. I told him he needed to go back because they'd put the wrong birthdate. Turns out the idiot forgot he’s been lying to me about his age the whole time we’ve been together. He’s not actually 30. He’ll be 43 in two months. FML
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    Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol...

    gassy - 17/08/2018 18:30

    Today, I have to deliver a wedding speech. I also have a cold. That would be bad enough, but ever since I was a kid, if I cough or sneeze, I also fart. FML
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    mackamuir - 01/04/2016 13:01 - Australia - Gold Coast

    Today, my roommate played a crazy April Fool's joke on me by not paying his rent this month. Good one. FML
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    My Bucket

    pyook - 06/09/2018 23:30

    Today, my college class has a strict rule that ANY absence, even if it's because you're sick and have a doctor's note, will drop your grade a letter grade. I have a chronic illness. Today is the second time in the first two weeks that I've had to show up to class with a bucket. FML
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    Danny - 12/09/2018 20:30

    Today, after being together for 8 months, I learned that not only was my boyfriend a liar, but that he is also married, and has been for 4 years. FML
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    Pleased to meet you

    ANON - - United States - Littleton

    Today, I went straight from work to a blind date, and I decided to change in my car at the parking lot. Someone pulled up next to me as I had my ass to the window. It was my date. FML
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    doesnttastegood - 01/02/2010 10:23 - United Kingdom

    Today, I found out that whilst I was asleep last night, my boyfriend was playing on his XBox. I also found out that whenever he unlocked a new level, achievement or just generally beat someone's ass, he would celebrate by pulling out one of his pubes and putting it in my mouth. FML
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    awkardtaco - 28/09/2018 13:30

    Today, in spite of 2 different types of bug spray, underwear, and jeans, I discovered not one, but two mosquito bites on my vagina. FML
    2 647
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    Like riding a bike

    XxrudyxX - - Canada - Fort Saskatchewan

    Today, my garage got broken into and someone stole my $3000 bike. I bought it a month ago while I recovered from a knee injury. I just got enough strength 2 days ago to ride it. I've only ridden it once. FML
    3 572
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    Ass man

    blaaargh - - United States - Seymour

    Today, my dad uttered the words, "You gotta admit, your mother's got one hell of an ass." FML
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    Mr. X - 23/02/2016 17:46 - United States - Southborough

    Today, my sister convinced my girlfriend that I cheated on her. All because I took the first slice of her birthday cake. FML
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    replaced - 22/02/2016 03:03 - United States - Marietta

    Today, my boss fired me because his girlfriend wanted the job I had. She has no experience whatsoever in my line of work, it was just his "anniversary present" for her. FML
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    Anonymous - 09/02/2016 23:21 - United Kingdom - London

    Today, I had to give up going to a therapist because it was too expensive and my parents couldn't afford it. Meanwhile, a girl in my class is getting a therapist for her dog. FML
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    Grossed out

    Anonymous - 10/11/2018 14:00

    Today, I was helping this girl to the nurse’s office because she was so sick that she could barely walk. About halfway there, she stopped and vomited on me. My jaw was dropped in shock when she threw up on me again. A little went into my mouth. FML
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    Compassion

    Anonymous - 30/01/2016 06:47 - United States - Upper Marlboro

    Today, while crying at my grandma's funeral, I was told to "man up". FML
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    FMyLife FMyLife
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    Today, I was working at a local restaurant when another server's table called me over to ask if I've "ever killed anybody". They informed me I looked like a serial killer. I informed them, of course, that I have never killed anybody. Another customer claimed I scared her child. I was fired. FML
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    Today, I saw an old high school friend I haven't seen in years and decided to sneak up to surprise him. In the last 15 years he became a soldier and a Muay Thai martial artist. My arm is numb and I think I may be peeing blood. Never sneak up behind a soldier. It really hurts. FML
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    Today, I learned it’s apparently a “red flag” that I, at 27, do not have any social media, get my news from the local station, watch “regular” tv (non-streamed/not YouTube), and only use the internet for research or occasional online shopping. I just prefer real life. Is that so odd? FML
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    Today, my youngest son's teacher surprised me with a box of diapers. Apparently my son told her I was pregnant, but I'm not. I had to explain to her I'm just fat. She apologized and felt awful, and told me to keep the diapers. My children are 5 and 7. FML
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    Today, I've been sitting here for what seems like an eternity listening to my mom ruthlessly grill my sister about a piercing she got. Why don't I just leave, you ask? We're in the ER. My grandma is in the ICU, critically ill. But my sister's piercing is apparently a bigger concern. FML
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    Today, it's been so long since my husband has been able to give me an orgasm that when he finally did today, I started sobbing. FML
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