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By confused - 07/04/2013 14:51 - Australia - Glen Waverley

Today, I was at University when a giant mascot started walking in my direction. As they walked past, they whispered my name seductively. I still don't know who it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 693

You deserved it 5 342

Martial Arts Feels

By FML Approved - 29/08/2017 22:27 - France - Paris

Martial arts instructors have feelings too!

I agree, your life sucks 450

You deserved it 154

By Username - 23/06/2011 04:47 - United States

Today, I got home to find my truck smashed by a fallen old tree. I was going to have the tree removed next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 840

You deserved it 5 952

By Anonymous - 02/04/2009 18:21 - United States

Today, I was working as the shift manager at my job at a fast food restaurant. Our company policy states that all employees must be clean shaven before coming to work. I had to inform one of the employees, Kris, that they had to shave before clocking in. Kris is a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 156

You deserved it 3 577

Prepare to be dumped

By Anonymous - 23/04/2021 20:03 - Panama - Cuba

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend blackmailed me for nudes. When I told his mother, he convinced her it was a joke, and both were laughing at me for being "paranoid". He now wants me to apologise for "ruining his day". FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 359

You deserved it 217

By Tequila - 20/06/2011 16:12 - Netherlands

Today, my bike abruptly stopped working, torpedoing me headfirst into the sidewalk. I lay there in agony for a few minutes, and the only guy who saw it happen said, "Lucky you didn't get hurt!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 609

You deserved it 3 219

By screwedwoman27 - 19/06/2011 18:03 - United States

Today, I told my five year old daughter that no, she could not have ice cream for breakfast. She retaliated by pooping in the living room and smearing it on the walls. My in-laws, whom I've been trying to impress for ages, are visiting today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 066

You deserved it 7 535

Thanks, I feel better

By meowcat101 - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, my dad took me to play golf to relieve the stress of recovering from a bad concussion. While teaching me to swing, he hit me in the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 928

You deserved it 3 328

By yuuupyup - 18/04/2012 00:55 - United States - Somerset

Today, while driving home, I realized I forgot my house key. Luckily, when I arrived home, someone had already broken into my house. Guess I didn't need the key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 451

You deserved it 2 054

By princev - 18/06/2011 10:32 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to jump in the pool while holding my cat. I am currently in the hospital due to the severe cuts on my face and throat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 593

You deserved it 112 948

That shirt is FIRE!

By Anonymous - 06/09/2019 04:01 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my shirt caught on fire when I was burning paper for my ancestors at the cemetery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 367

You deserved it 381

Alarmed

By Anonymous - 08/09/2019 20:01

Today, after 5 hours of attempting to sleep, I began to finally drift off. Then, some fuckwit who'd parked his car right outside my door took 20 minutes to switch his alarm off. I have to be up in about 4 hours, after a 12-hour night shift, heading into another. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 669

You deserved it 125

Toilet humour

By caught out - 26/04/2014 23:29 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to take an urgent dump at work. I noticed too late there was no toilet paper left, so I had to risk doing a quick "pants around the knees" shuffle to the next stall. I locked eyes with the window cleaner at the same time I heard someone enter from behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 739

You deserved it 7 426

By justinherass - 28/03/2009 05:43 - Canada

Today, while lying in bed with my girlfriend, she was grabbing the fat on my stomach. I said to her, "Quit touching my fat!" She replied, "So… don't touch you at all?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 918

You deserved it 25 011

By Fire_Crotch - 14/08/2010 06:27 - Canada

Today, I turned the shower on the hottest setting so it would warm up quickly. I started to sing and dance around the bathroom. I got too carried away and pelvic thrusted the water, which I hadn't turned back down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 862

You deserved it 48 760

By wah wah "you raised him" - 22/04/2014 18:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I walked in on my son holding a lighter to the end of a pen and sniffing the fumes. Apparently he thought it would get him high. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 818

You deserved it 5 272

By Bechara - 13/06/2011 09:11 - Pakistan

Today, I overheard my girlfriend telling her friend, "Actually, it's a good thing she died, she was quite a bitch." She was talking about my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 593

You deserved it 4 530

By Jason - 12/08/2010 20:33 - United States

Today, I spent forty minutes trying to break into my own house after being locked out. After finally getting in through a small unlocked window, I discovered my keys in my pants pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 741

You deserved it 44 430

By Anonymous - 23/03/2013 20:15 - United States - Staten Island

Today, after I had changed my number to get away from my abusive ex, my mom decided to give him my new one. She insists that I need to give him another chance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 228

You deserved it 3 439

By Sarah - 12/06/2011 00:54 - United States

Today, I saw my brother on TV after 3 years of no contact. He was being arrested on Cops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 191

You deserved it 4 047

By izerz - 26/03/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, I got home to find my mom sitting in the kitchen reading the mail. I saw an empty bottle of Absolut peach vodka on the counter. Surprised, I picked it up and said "Wow, who drinks this?" Her reply was "Why don't you tell me? I found it in your room." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 410

You deserved it 77 418

izerz tells us more.

izerz 0

Friday 27 March 2009 4:12

OKAY just to clarify some things.. because i am the one who posted this... i am 18 ... im a GIRL... and yes it was mine... i had left it in a bag months ago and when my mom was taking my laundry found it... and peach vodka? its actually quite good if you mix it with the right things.. esp cran juice, orange juice, and redbull.. i know its a lot.. but being a girl.. i dont really like hard liquor.. just the effects of it lol

Not again

By Anonymous - 28/10/2023 16:00

Today, I was concerned I hadn’t restarted my periods yet after the birth of our first child. Turns out it’s because I’m pregnant again already. We must have gotten pregnant off the very first egg I released after giving birth. Our first baby is only 3 months old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 341

You deserved it 755

Chunk of change

By ProneToBlondeMoments - 05/10/2009 23:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I was just about to do an important presentation in front of my boss and co-workers. When, without warning I tripped in front of everyone and knocked a VERY expensive computer off the table. How do I know it was so expensive? I'm paying for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 387

You deserved it 5 139

Woof! I do not consent!

By Horny and Unamused - 25/05/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, at my wit's end, I had to have a conversation with my dog's trainer. During the pandemic, my otherwise housebroken dog began to pee in my bathroom whenever my boyfriend and I have sex. Our sex life is suffering and we went from 2-3 times a week to 8 times in the last year… with 8 matching piss puddles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 125

You deserved it 225

Deranged

By Anonymous - 21/07/2022 04:00

Today, my half-sister lied and told my mom I got a girl at school pregnant. My mom is unreasonable at the best of times, but after a full hour trying to get me to name this nonexistent girl, she's calling every parent from school to check if their daughters are hiding a secret pregnancy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 263

You deserved it 100

By Anonymous - 07/04/2012 19:40 - United States

Today, my wife sent me to the store to pick stuff up so we could make BLTs. I got the bacon, but couldn't remember what else went into them, so I bought an avocado and napkins. When I got back home, my wife very slowly and sarcastically explained what BLT stands for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 814

You deserved it 53 714

One nation, under rod

By LaLa - 20/09/2019 22:00

Spicy

Today, I was fooling around with my partner after his shower. He moved my hands up to push me against the wall. Instead of hitting the wall, my hands hit the shower rod. It fell on my face and I got a bloody nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 548

You deserved it 216

Family denial

By Anonymous - 29/07/2022 06:00

Spicy

Today, after years of being guilted for never attending family gatherings, I told my aunt that seeing her son’s face is triggering for me, because he sexually assaulted me as a child and our family swept it under the rug, and acted like it never happened. She told me to grow up, and hasn’t said a word to me since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 024

You deserved it 166

By voyagevoyage - 09/04/2014 22:38 - France - Les Montils

Today, I told my neighbor that I was going to Réunion Island on vacation in a few months. She said that she'd always wanted to go there. As a light-hearted joke, I said she should come with me. She's now booked a plane ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 416

You deserved it 277

By hejdixjeln - 17/03/2013 10:25 - United States - Evanston

Today, I advised my daughter to not drink a Coke before bed. She smiled at me and reassured me that it could be balanced out with sleeping pills. I'm raising a future drug addict. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 042

You deserved it 7 542

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Today, my idiot boss placed an expensive order for anti-bullying banners that read: "Take a stand against bullying!" This would be fine if I didn't work in a specialized school for children in wheelchairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 124

You deserved it 1 864

Today, I found my little brother breathing heavily and asked him what he was doing. He looked at me intensely and said "Breathing in all the oxygen so you can't have any and die." 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 416

You deserved it 41

Today, I saw myself on the news. I was one of the random passers by they had filmed for their story on the "Fat Epidemic." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 710

You deserved it 25 412

Today, I was watching a video about spiders. When I felt a tickle on my foot, I kicked hard in panic. It was one of our newborn kittens walking. I almost killed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 643

You deserved it 56 061

Today, I went to the cemetery to visit a friend. As I was looking for his burial plot, I fell into a dug out grave and had to call my partner to come help me get out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 037

You deserved it 471

Today, I had a meeting with a place that does Terramation (turns you into compost) to plan for my Mom who has stage 4 lung cancer. It feels surreal to have a professional conversation about plans and finances for when my Mom meets her end. I'm glad she knows what she wants, and it isn't a last minute deal, but dang… FML

I agree, your life sucks 657

You deserved it 88