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By Never Again - 09/08/2016 18:17 - United States - Riverhead

Today, I went to collect my clothes out of the dryer. Thinking it would be fun for my small dog, I brought her with me. I put her down and let her sniff around while I put my clean clothes in a basket. I turned around from putting more clothes in the dyer to catch her peeing in my clean clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 367

You deserved it 4 313

Fake it til you make it

By aurelj1 - 03/08/2016 19:59 - United States - Colleyville

Today, I went out to dinner with my mom and several of her friends. My mom spent the entire night gushing about my Ivy League school and med student boyfriend. I attend a state university and I'm single. She threatened to cut me off if I didn't play along. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 195

You deserved it 1 044

Family values

By Anonymous - 06/10/2019 12:00 - Croatia

Today, my 11-year-old cousin walked up to me as I was enjoying a glass of wine with friends at my mother's birthday party. Thinking she wouldn't like it anyway, I let her try. The little fucker drank the entire glass in one go, adding, "Usually, daddy gives me vodka." Good to know what my family is up to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 741

You deserved it 649

Good question

By epictothemax - 10/03/2009 20:40 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went home for my grandma's 95th birthday. While there she noticed my new tongue stud and asked why I would get it done. Before I could reply, my cousin said, "So she can can make the boys happier when she's sucking on them." She's 9 years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 147

You deserved it 13 232

By iamchazzi - 02/12/2017 01:30 - United States - Madison

Today, I found out that my mom uses my Facebook account more than I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 544

You deserved it 583

The Cheek!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Spicy

Today, on my Facebook, the stripper my ex-husband cheated on me with showed up in the "People You May Know" box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 945

You deserved it 4 464

Nice

By UnluckyInk - 18/02/2013 08:50 - United States - Manlius

Spicy

Today, I went in to get my first tattoo. I'd put a lot of thought into it and was really excited when the day came. Long story short, the Celtic knot I'd gotten turned out to have an alternate meaning of "female sex slave." The faces my very Irish family made were beyond words. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 330

You deserved it 49 780

Classic

By Can't Spell Worth A Damn - 06/03/2009 18:53 - United States

Today, I was writing an email to our entire company regarding a fundraiser we are taking part in for children and adults with disabilities. I was rushing to get the email out and hit send before I realized that instead of "Best Regards" I had typed "Best Retards" as the closing line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 769

You deserved it 41 853

Richard

By hot sweet.... not - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Renfrew

Today, I was babysitting an 8-year-old boy. He was playing with Play-Doh and made a sculpture that looked like a penis. I tried to cover up and asked if it was an action figure. He looked at me like I was an idiot and said, "It's a DICK." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 704

You deserved it 6 216

By Butqhy - 30/06/2016 11:07

Today, while in the airport, I had to use the washroom. Upon exiting, I got confused due to an excess of mirrors and walked directly into one in front of an audience. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 481

You deserved it 1 854

Andy Dwyer?

By genieinabottle - 06/02/2018 06:00 - Austria - Bad Ischl

Today, my boyfriend got rid of the full leg cast he had to wear for 6 weeks. He won't stop pissing in a bottle at night because it's more convenient than getting up. At least he empties it himself now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 091

You deserved it 356

Hard to believe

By Anonymous - 02/01/2020 18:00

Spicy

Today, I tried to have sex with my boyfriend three times, but every time he insisted that he wasn't in the mood. I left to get food and when I came home he was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 444

You deserved it 593

By justanaccount - 27/02/2009 19:35 - Spain

Today, to ask a boy I really liked to my school's turnabout dance, I gave him a box full of 10 cupcakes that spelled out T-U-R-N-A-B-O-U-T-?. The boy gave the box back a little later. There were two cupcakes left inside. It said N-O. FML

I agree, your life sucks 108 625

You deserved it 12 033

Who am I?

By Anonymous - 21/06/2016 01:59 - United States - Fulton

Spicy

Today, I might have ruined my co-worker's relationship with her fiancé, with whom I share a name, because we "work together too often" and now he doesn't know whose name she's saying during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 335

You deserved it 1 117

By caggybandicoot - 18/06/2016 02:37 - United Kingdom - Torquay

Today, someone finally came to fix my phone line after three weeks with no Internet. The engineer reconnected the phone line to the wrong apartment. I hope my neighbour is enjoying my unlimited broadband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 763

You deserved it 1 333

caggybandicoot tells us more.

caggybandicoot 34

Saturday 18 June 2016 18:03

OP here - can't believe this got published?! I immediately phoned my ISP once I'd figured out what happened - I couldn't reconnect the line myself as I can't access the exchange box (and plus I wouldn't trust myself to be fiddling around in there anyway), and my internet has been restored. As for compensation, I should be getting a portion of my bill back as it took them so long to send an engineer out. Thanks everyone!

Fashion Week

By NotAGoodStart - 07/03/2020 14:00 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I went on a blind date, meeting up in a park. I got there first and sat down to wait for him. After a while, a guy sat down next to me. I wasn't sure if it was him, so I texted him, asking if he'd arrived. His response was, "I'm already here, sat to the left of the old woman dressed like a gypsy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 201

You deserved it 381

Whut?

By what did you say? - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Today, I went for a job interview. The woman interviewing me had such a thick accent that I had to keep asking her to repeat herself. She got so frustrated that she ended the interview super early. I don't think I got the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 964

You deserved it 1 284

By black and yellow - 21/01/2013 06:32 - United States - Salinas

Today, I went to see my new dentist. He was really cute, so after the checkup I started flirting. He stopped me right after I asked him out, saying, "Being a dentist has its advantages, I can see the girl's mouth before I stick my tongue in it. And in your case, it's a big no." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 807

You deserved it 45 774

By PsychoSarah - 06/04/2011 23:57 - United States

Today, I got fired from my job. I caught a customer taking pictures up my skirt, and my boss fired me for calling the police and "making a big deal out of it". FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 711

You deserved it 7 262

It's a witch!

By umm... - 30/03/2020 23:00 - Australia - Canberra

Today, I caught my boyfriend in the bathtub interrogating his penis and "drowning" it when it wouldn't answer him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 844

You deserved it 358

By -1 Pair of Pants - 30/05/2016 19:49 - United States - Westborough

Today, I leaned over to pick something up and heard a loud "pop" from my waistline, followed by a "clink" on the other side of the room. My pants button had popped off my pants. Time to lose some weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 772

You deserved it 2 705

By bruised - 19/05/2016 20:54 - Australia - Sydney

Today, while playing hockey, one of my teammates decided to swing her hockey stick like a golf club. She missed the ball, but managed to hit me right in the vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 341

You deserved it 1 247

I want Jesus to come inside my heart

By Weirdo - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Spicy

Today, I went to church for the first time in my life. They had a Jesus statue at the altar, and I noticed he was surprisingly muscular. Ten minutes later, I had to excuse myself, after I caught myself fantasizing over a crucified Jesus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 955

You deserved it 40 917

By Tooth Fairy - 25/05/2018 23:00 - United States - Hays

Today, I broke a tooth. It’s Friday. Not a single dentist office is open. The good news? I might lose those last few pounds as I can’t drink or eat without excruciating pain. Needless to say, it’s going to be a long weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 709

You deserved it 279

Stranger danger!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, I took my child to the park. Having been there an hour, another mum came up to me and we started talking. She then told me that one kid had been harassing her children, pointing to my child. When she asked which one was mine I pointed to a random kid. It was hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 712

You deserved it 52 219

By Anonymous - 03/07/2018 15:00

Today, I was verbally harassed by a customer because I wouldn’t give her special treatment after her meal was incorrect. I offered her a refund and a coupon for a free meal, which she refused before calling me a stupid kid who wouldn’t do anything to help her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 634

You deserved it 238

By filipkm - 06/05/2016 14:37 - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, I heard on television that a body was found in my city's water reservoir. Word is that it was dead for over a week. I've been drinking and showering with that water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 520

You deserved it 2 806

By Anonymous - 24/07/2018 20:36

Today, I worked security by myself in an office, which meant I had to eat at the desk and wasn't allowed to leave. I got written up for my husband dropping off my lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 729

You deserved it 378

By Anon - 28/04/2016 20:27 - United States - Henderson

Today, I went on a first date with my crush. Turns out we only have one thing in common: we would both bang Hillary Clinton. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 202

You deserved it 4 641

Time to go wireless

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Telford

Today, while trying to open the packaging to my new headphones, I got startled by my cat suddenly meowing, and cut through the headphone wire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 368

You deserved it 3 493

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The Top

The Top

Today, my mother once again brought up how I would have done so much better in my Track season if I just smiled while I ran. Apparently, if you just smile, your brain won't know you're in pain. I don't think it works like that, but thanks for the advice mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 677

You deserved it 1 056

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She got incredibly excited and started flapping her hands around. Then she suddenly went deadpan and said "But seriously... no." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 014

You deserved it 1 916

Today, I got a parking ticket for parking in my neighbors' parking spot. I parked there because my neighbors were parked in my parking spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 459

You deserved it 2 540

Today, my boyfriend of two years told me that I had grown on him. I thought it was cute, until he added, "like a flesh eating bacteria". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 448

You deserved it 271

Today, my boyfriend refuses to do doggy style anymore because I, and I quote, "have a weird looking butthole, it’s not dirty or anything, it’s just the strangest butthole I’ve ever seen, it’s really distracting." So now, I’m not only self-conscious about my small boobs, but my ugly asshole too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 867

You deserved it 372

Today, I was so tired this morning when I went to take a dump and instead of using a baby wipe, I used a Lysol wipe. Guess I don’t have Covid up my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 713

You deserved it 386