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By Marcus - 20/01/2019 18:00

Today, my keys disappeared out of my car door during the 50 foot walk to the trash can. When I finally went to security after trying to find them, they said someone drove off with my car right as I walked in the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 333

You deserved it 918

Classy dude

By tw@ - 28/09/2014 15:30 - United Kingdom - Watford

Spicy

Today, my drunk husband came home, got into bed, and started humping the body pillow. He ended up whining about how I hadn't come yet, then angrily slurred that I must be cheating on him. All I could do was stay quiet and wonder how the idiot even made it home alive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 945

You deserved it 4 896

Scammers gonna scam

By nobody asked you! - 26/03/2019 02:00

Today, it's my first day as an expat. Hoping to arrive early for work, I hailed a cab. The driver took it upon himself to take the scenic route and play tour guide, no matter how much I refused. Not only was I late, he turned violent when I refused to pay his $100 fare plus a "talent fee." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 709

You deserved it 209

By ugh, why - 22/11/2015 05:12 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my brother jerking off to a breast cancer awareness advert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 993

You deserved it 3 011

By Anonymous - 08/04/2017 12:00

Today, I was cleaning the litter box and found a large clump. I later found my 3-year-old peeing there instead of in the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 770

You deserved it 610

False alarm

By Anonymous - 31/10/2015 16:41 - United Kingdom - Houghton Le Spring

Today, I was at the airport waiting for my flight to leave for Hawaii when I received an urgent call from my neighbour saying that my house had been broken into. After rushing home and missing my flight, I had to explain to the police that my house wasn't burgled, it was just very messy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 749

You deserved it 5 942

By Anonymous - 09/10/2015 09:06 - United States - Los Angeles

Spicy

Today, I had to choke back tears as my cockslap of a brother brutally mocked me for being a 25-year-old loser who's never been kissed by a girl, while at 14 he's already lost his virginity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 235

You deserved it 4 701

By Anonymous - 07/06/2019 00:07

Today, I was sitting in Walmart when I saw an attractive woman walking by. Being the single guy I am, I went up to her and asked if she needed help with carrying her groceries. She responded with, "You know I'm a guy, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 947

You deserved it 1 785

By Anonymous - 04/10/2015 14:20 - United States - Pensacola

Today, I got dragged into playing doubles tennis. It was me and my wife against her parents. I wound up hitting the ball too hard. My mother-in-law, who has the reaction times of a comatose turtle, got nailed. Everyone's convinced I did it on purpose because of our mutual hatred of each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 307

You deserved it 2 429

One day…

By Anna - 29/09/2015 14:58 - Sweden - Västerås

Today, after weeks of searching, I finally found the wedding dress of my dreams. Too bad it was in the form of a download for The Sims. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 174

You deserved it 3 690

Go home, you're drunk

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Hungary - Budapest

Today, my mother-in-law turned up at my doorstep close to midnight, drunk off her tits, crying about how my wife is punishing her and throwing her life away by marrying me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 789

You deserved it 1 707

Social parasites

By wasp infestation - 03/10/2016 04:54 - United States - Aurora

Today, the owner of the house I'm renting said he doesn't want to pay $4000 to fumigate the home, and that he'll take care of the issue himself. I have killed 30 angry wasps in the last hour. There are thousands living in the walls, but I think their favorite place is my bathroom and my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 558

You deserved it 1 031

By fox_at_heart - 30/09/2016 02:21 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I found out my father has been saving money to help me buy my first car. In the same conversation, I found out my mother, unbeknownst to my dad, used nearly all of the money to bail my drunken, deadbeat uncle out of jail for the fourth time a month ago. He's now back in prison. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 954

You deserved it 784

By DepressedSigh - 27/08/2017 21:45 - Germany

Today, my considerate-to-a-fault boyfriend decided to break up with me because he felt that he made me unhappy. I spent the next 3 hours convincing him that I'm happy with him and just going through a rough patch of depression. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 791

You deserved it 403

By Chaosfigure - 03/09/2017 13:00

Today, after my driving instructor told me I should pass without any worries at all, I completely failed. I was hit by another car. While parked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 949

You deserved it 260

By Ihatemyfamily - 05/09/2016 21:46 - United States - Euless

Today, my brother's high school was having a soccer game against mine, and as a sign of good luck, I told him to "break a leg". He broke mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 424

You deserved it 1 341

The Passion of the Christ

By Canada20 - 29/09/2017 13:00 - Canada - Windsor

Today, while helping at my grandma's church, the new Orthodox Priest encouraged me to come to confession because he was sure I would have "a lot of stories to tell" and finished by seductively winking at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 666

You deserved it 350

Criminal Minds

By Anonymous - 18/09/2019 00:01 - United States

Today, I had to go to the ER because of a terrible allergic reaction I had to the cookies my "friend" made for me. She assured me several times that there were no nuts in them. Turns out, she put nuts in them on purpose, to see whether or not I was really allergic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 683

You deserved it 134

By Fire_Princess16 - 17/10/2017 04:20

Today, my boyfriend managed to convince me that Australia was called a penal colony because all the prisoners were men. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 831

You deserved it 3 182

Know your place

By slingerslasher - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - New York

Today, I was using the short urinal when I heard someone say, "Ahem!" in a loud voice. I looked back to see an angry little kid. He made me switch urinals so he could use the short one. I got urinal-evicted by a little boy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 616

You deserved it 7 427

By mydadsgonnakillme - 08/02/2013 07:13 - United States - Santa Barbara

Spicy

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my overprotective father. My boyfriend started out with, "Sir, it is an honor to be your daughter's sexual partner." FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 606

You deserved it 12 449

By Instacreep - 20/03/2018 01:30

Today, I found out that when someone posts a "story" on Instagram, they can see who has viewed it and how many times. I have been viewing an ex's story every day for the past week. We do not follow each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 146

You deserved it 4 474

By 3rdWheel1stBorn - 23/03/2018 19:00

Today, I saw that my biological father took his two favorite daughters on a luxury cruise to celebrate his birthday. I didn't find out until the pictures were posted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 706

You deserved it 276

By Avocadopurse - 01/05/2018 16:54

Today, I tried to redeem a gift certificate my fiance and I had been given for a free romance package at a hotel. The hotel closed permanently four years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 393

You deserved it 757

avocadopurse tells us more.

avocadopurse 5

Tuesday 1 May 2018 5:20

OP here! A few things: the gift certificate was given to my mother, who gave it to me. It was not a gift-giving occasion she was trying to cop out of, she simply found it in a box one day and thought I'd get better use of it. The real fun was that a completely different hotel took over this one and continued to use the same phone number, so it took nearly 20 minutes with a very confused guest service rep to figure out what had happened! It turns out my mother had had the gift certificate for ELEVEN YEARS (she's military and that's how long it's been since she lived in our hometown). We all had a good laugh, and she offered to pay for a hotel, since we'd been planning on using it for a trip home.

Leave me alone

By TordNorski - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, I finally had a day off in two weeks and I was excited about getting to sleep in. At 5 a.m., my mom loudly knocked and came in. When I asked her what she wanted, she said she was checking to see if I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 310

You deserved it 1 194

By BritishDates - 22/08/2018 13:00

Today, my long-distance British boyfriend of 7 years canceled his plane ticket to visit me in the USA. He claims he "doesn't have enough money" to stay for 2 weeks. As I began canceling all the reservations, he called to say he bought a new car and a house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 829

You deserved it 389

Yada yada yada

By howtobesingle - 07/04/2016 02:45 - Norway - Oslo

Today, I listened to my best friend complain, again, about the two guys she's seeing, and how she doesn't know which one to choose, because they're both perfect. Meanwhile, I'm cleaning up my dog's loose stools, haven't had a date in over three years, and I'm also sharing a room with the very same best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 341

You deserved it 2 011

By BriarFace - 29/03/2016 01:56 - United States - Springfield

Today, I put up a sign asking motorcyclists to slow down near horses, as the noise can spook them. While I was riding near the sign, a biker slowed to read it, looked at me, then revved his engine loudly and raced off. My horse bucked me off into some brambles and bolted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 008

You deserved it 2 200

By SebastianMiko - 09/11/2012 07:18 - Canada - Calgary

Today, on my job as a police officer, I received a typical domestic disturbance call. Not so typical was the address. Guess my wife's affair went terribly wrong while I was on shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 147

You deserved it 2 331

Healthcare or not?

By Garcia2284 - 13/09/2018 13:00

Today, I asked a customer three times before he saw the doctor if he had any medical insurance and he replied "No" each time. Paying his bill out of pocket, this dude had the nerve to ask, "So why didn't my medical insurance cover this?" He had coverage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 004

You deserved it 165

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The Top

The Top

Today, I got kicked out of English class shortly after our teacher told us we have to write an essay on how the storyline of Harry Potter is one big allegory for "the futility of socialism." Apparently, reacting with disbelief makes me a "disruptive influence." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 966

You deserved it 3 983

Today, I went to get a nice, relaxing hot stone massage. Instead I got second degree burns on my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 731

You deserved it 4 032

Today, I was at a grocery store with my 3 year old son. As I was picking a cereal out, an older man comes over and says, "You should have used condoms. What an ugly boy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 467

You deserved it 6 511

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I have ever or would ever fake an orgasm. I assured him that I wouldn't, when he has actually never given me one. I didn't have the heart to tell him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 024

You deserved it 37 760

Today, I was on a 12-hour transatlantic flight. I asked the flight attendant where the rancid smell was coming from. The guy sitting next to me started laughing, saying, "Sorry, something I ate is not agreeing with me." This was hour one of the flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 821

You deserved it 2 311

Today, I went on Facebook to find that my little brother had messed with my profile. He wrote on my status that I'm a piece of shit, I have no life, and several other nasty and perverted things. Underneath, it said 26 of my friends liked this. I'm new to Facebook. So far I have 26 friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 373

You deserved it 8 283