The Top

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The top of the day The top of the week The top of the month The top of the year The all-time greatest FMLs

By Anonymous - 12/10/2010 15:06 - United States

Today, while at my friend's house, I decided to climb up on a shelf and pounce on him when he came back downstairs. When I heard someone coming, I assumed it was him and pounced. It was his grandma carrying the laundry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 774

You deserved it 44 848

Mommy issues

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, as I was picking up my 7 year-old daughter at my ex-husband's house, my daughter started crying saying that she wanted to stay with Daddy forever. I asked why. She said her stepmom was a better mommy. Apparently, the woman who broke up my marriage is now a better "Mommy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 103 932

You deserved it 9 355

By isucksomuch - 31/07/2011 06:18 - Canada

Today, I found out my mother cleans the dishes with bathroom cleaning chemicals. She doesn't see anything wrong with this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 076

You deserved it 2 696

By blondetergent - 20/06/2011 08:12 - Singapore

Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm a vegan. She replied, "So, you're allergic to meat?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 941

You deserved it 15 371

Overjoyed

By madiison09 - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got a letter from Yale Law School saying I got a 4 year full scholarship. I called my dad crying and read the whole thing… even the bottom of the letter, which said, "April fools' ! Love, Mom and Dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 807

You deserved it 6 624

By dating a fucking psycho - 14/02/2013 20:06 - United States - Hickory

Today, I tried to give some change to a homeless man. My girlfriend pulled me away and ranted about how homeless people are all basically bastards who deserve their misfortune, and that I shouldn't give "our" money away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 947

You deserved it 6 044

Creative

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I discovered that my new roommate likes to take the loose hair when she showers and make shapes with it on the shower wall. She calls it art. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 456

You deserved it 3 835

Thieves like us

By Bummer - 30/10/2009 02:00 - United States

Today, I found my checking and savings account to both read $0.00. My parents transferred all my money to theirs because "I'm irresponsible, and not fit to handle money." I'm a 3.8 college student and have a full-time job. They are currently unemployed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 930

You deserved it 3 904

Not now, honey

By rhya4n - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Denmark - Herlev

Today, while I was applying some eyeliner, my cat jumped onto the counter and managed to headbutt me. The wand scratched a good portion of my eyeball, and now for the next few weeks, I will have to deal with the pain of a corneal abrasion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 348

You deserved it 3 457

Nice guy

By Anonymous - 18/09/2009 10:40 - Australia

Today, I finally worked up the courage to ask a cute guy for his number. Once he had given me his, he asked for mine. My initial happiness was deflated when he said, "OK, now I can just block every message from you," and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 673

You deserved it 4 541

Cool moves

By littlegirl - 07/05/2011 04:46 - Canada

Today, I was sitting with my crush at lunch. Trying to flirt, I tried to stare seductively into his eyes while sucking on my straw. I missed. The straw shot straight up my nose, causing me the worst nose bleed of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 592

You deserved it 45 384

By Anonymous - 03/02/2013 16:27 - Serbia

Today, my girlfriend and I were having a casual conversation, when the topic suddenly became my penis. Before I knew what was going on, she said, "It's not the size that matters though. It's how you use it. So I guess you're ok." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 858

You deserved it 5 473

By KMAC - 16/03/2010 20:14 - United States

Today, I found out my fiancé is in a long distance relationship with his ex. Not only do we live on the same island, he's also my neighbor and my co-worker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 446

You deserved it 3 373

By Anonymous - 12/08/2009 02:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text saying to call him. When I did, it went straight to voicemail. It was a recording of him breaking up with me. He broke up with me over the phone, without even talking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 848

You deserved it 3 301

By GeriGeriBoBeri - 28/12/2011 08:59 - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car at a gas station. A man stopped to help me with a wire hanger. After about 20 min in the freezing weather, he was getting close to unlocking it when I looked over at the passenger door to see that it was unlocked. All the doors were unlocked but the driver's side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 200

You deserved it 39 410

Who said life was better before ?

By none - 17/01/2009 23:35 - United States

Today, was just like almost every for the past few months; I slept till 1 p.m., smoked cigarettes, jerked off, went to the store to get coffee, smoked more cigarettes, and sat in my room alone until 4 a.m., jerking off and smoking cigarettes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 191

You deserved it 46 447

By SINGLE - 23/01/2010 10:27 - Australia

Today, I planned my own wedding down to the very last detail, including favours for my guests, the sweets buffet and the bouquet of flower brooches I want. Too bad I'm still single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 869

You deserved it 37 814

By sillygoose - 14/12/2009 03:53 - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor to check the dark growth I just discovered on my back. It was chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 322

You deserved it 192

By Anonymous - 23/09/2014 12:00 - United States - Tampa

Today, it's the first day of fall. It's also the day that over 20 people have made jokes about my name being "Autumn" like they're the funniest, most original people alive. It's not even 8 am. This is going to be a long day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 120

You deserved it 3 459

So… good news, or…?

By daddy-o - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my girlfriend called and said she had great news. Turns out I've cured her of that illness she gets every month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 104

You deserved it 21 199

By fmlisthebomb - 01/03/2009 06:58 - United States

Today, my mother got a call from our old high school saying that they had fifteen freshmen boys in his office with a nude photo of me on their phones. I had sent that photo only to my boyfriend. Apparently he loves to share me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 333

You deserved it 89 154

By smooth - 21/11/2013 16:10 - United States

Today, a girl and I were flirting and it was going well. Feeling bold, I asked what she would do if I kissed her. She smiled flirtatiously and said "Why don't you try it and find out?" I went in for a kiss, and she slapped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 641

You deserved it 14 059

By Anonymous - 19/02/2011 21:29 - United States

Today, I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking and the best sex I've ever had in my life. The only problem is we're both straight males. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 134

You deserved it 44 872

By Anonymous - 24/07/2009 06:31 - United States

Today, I opened some small cute birthday gifts at my boyfriend's house. As we left to go out, he slipped me a Tiffany box and said he wanted me to open it in private. Flushed and excited, I open it to find a Ziploc bag filled with hair. It was thd mustache I'd been begging him to shave for months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 826

You deserved it 20 461

Plans

By Screw My Parents - 22/12/2015 04:45 - United States - Barrington

Today, my parents confirmed we were going to be taking a Disney World trip for Christmas vacation. I already knew that we were taking a trip, but I was now missing a week of school. Being in 3 honors and an A.P. class, I said that I didn't want to go. I got called an "ungrateful, little prick". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 333

You deserved it 8 591

By broken finger - 18/07/2013 20:53 - United States

Today, while wiping my ass, the broken finger that has been set straight dipped into the toilet and touched a turd. This keeps happening since I broke it, and I'm sure it will again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 411

You deserved it 12 039

By lotd - 31/07/2012 23:28 - United Kingdom - Henley On Thames

Today, as I sat down for my flight, I realised that the passenger I had to sit next to for the next seven hours was wearing a necklace made from tampon packaging. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 159

You deserved it 2 081

By Anonymous - 22/05/2009 00:20 - United States

Today, I kissed my husband and said, "I love you." That's when our 5 year-old son said to my husband, "How can you love her so much if she's so ugly?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 741

You deserved it 4 188

In your dreams

By ohiochibi - 03/12/2009 19:34 - United States

Today, I posted a note on Facebook about a weird dream I had about my ex-boyfriend, in which I made out with him, then it turned into a vampires vs. werewolves battle. My ex PMs me and says there's a better chance of a vampires vs. werewolves battle than us ever making out again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 397

You deserved it 47 992

By tammy - 27/06/2012 05:05 - United States - Inglewood

Today, while cashiering at the drug store, I saw my ex-boyfriend, who I'm still completely in love with. Being the only cashier, I had to ring him up. He was buying condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 161

You deserved it 3 627

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The Top

Today, I had to chase my dog all the way down the street, watching in horror as she proudly showed all of my neighbors my bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 858

You deserved it 5 960

Today, I snuck out of my bedroom to go pee very quickly, so I wouldn't wake up my new puppy who doesn't like being away from me. In the 60 seconds it took me to pee, wash my hands and walk back into the room she had pooped, peed, and left potty-paw-prints all over my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 656

You deserved it 8 121

Today, my cat got mad at me because I wouldn't let him sit on my Xbox. Jeez, sorry that I care about your safety, and I don't want my Xbox to overheat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 733

You deserved it 212

Today, I was beaten up by a random dude for trying to pick my own son up from school. I'm pasty white, my wife is black, and our son was visibly born black, so I was beaten up for attempted kidnapping, and it’s not the first time it’s happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 094

You deserved it 144

Today, I found one good thing that came from my great-uncle's death: My family can no longer start arguments about his date of birth. Except now I have a new problem: They're mad at me because I was right all along. Someone's dead and they're too busy being sore losers about a date to care. I miss him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 494

You deserved it 106

Today, my mother-in-law in all seriousness told my daughter to not wear shorts and skirts because “men will ogle and rape her.” When I confronted her about it, she told me, “I’m only looking out for her. Is that so wrong?” She’s 9 and she won’t stop asking what “rape” means. FML

I agree, your life sucks 535

You deserved it 62