Health: Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated... - FML

By ugh - 03/09/2013 23:53 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated for a while. I thought I was alone, so I pretended I was giving birth to my turd, and let out all kinds of sound effects. Next thing I know, I hear a knock at the door and my mom asking, "Should I call 911?" FML

agreeclassic 25 770

vote type 1 40 932

The rhythm of the fight
Discover all the best anecdotes from the month of January, with or without snow, with or without you. More…

Previous FML Next FML

Similar FMLs

Take a break

By Anonymous - 04/05/2024 07:00 - United States

Today, I really had to take a shit. My coworker had gone on lunch break and I was alone in the shop. There were no customers, so to the can I went. Cue a long series of loud wet farts and splashes, followed by the flush. I emerged to see the horrified face of some old lady and her grandson who'd heard everything. FML

agreeclassic 472

vote type 1 123

By Poopie - 29/01/2011 06:06 - Canada

Today, after suffering from constipation for three days, I finally took a dump. Just as things reached the point of no return, my land line and doorbell all rang. FML

agreeclassic 28 239

vote type 1 3 223

Better safe than sorry

By Anonymous - 21/08/2025 23:00 - Australia

Today, I thought I was going to shit myself at work. I speed-walked all the way to the bathroom clenching for dear life. Barely got my pants down while simultaneously sitting and unleashing. After all that, it was just a gigantic fart. FML

agreeclassic 365

vote type 1 86

Humpty Dumpy

By traumatized - 12/04/2014 18:07 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was taking the biggest shit of my life. When I worked the thing out, it hit the water with such force that I got a toilet water enema from the backwash. I was so freaked out that I screamed and fell off the seat, prompting my husband to rush in to see what was wrong. FML

agreeclassic 40 464

vote type 1 9 422

Ever Given

By Anonymous - 31/03/2021 20:00 - United States - Elverson

Today, I had to poop, but as I sat down, it wouldn't come out. After about 10 minutes I realized I needed help. The only help I could get was my mother, who couldn't stop laughing at the sweat and faces I made. I still hurt. FML

agreeclassic 867

vote type 1 315

I've known for ages

By Crap - 28/01/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for horrible stomach pains. He said I had an abnormal amount of stool in me, and that I'd need to flush it out. I called my mom and told her what happened, to which she responded, "I always knew you were full of shit, I didn't need a doctor to tell me that." FML

agreeclassic 38 108

vote type 1 7 193

By June - 19/05/2009 21:51 - Canada

Today, I thought I could stay on the phone and go to the bathroom without him noticing. My mom knocks on the door and without even thinking, I yelled "I'M ON THE TOILET!" He said "ew.." FML

agreeclassic 12 630

vote type 1 74 819

By firegirl - 05/07/2018 15:00

Today, I finally got over a long bout of constipation. I was scared to ask my mom for laxatives because I had the feeling she would tell all her friends, but on the 6th day of absolutely no bowel movements, I caved. I later overheard my mom telling all her friends. FML

agreeclassic 3 933

vote type 1 381

By EmbarrassedGirlfriend101 - 17/08/2011 16:40 - United States

Today, while at my boyfriend's house, my stomach began to hurt really badly, so I excused myself to take a shit. I let it all out. Later on, his dad went to the bathroom and yelled, "Goddamn son, what the hell did you do in here?!" FML

agreeclassic 40 329

vote type 1 7 539

Trumpet solo

By Churizmo - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was at a party and I really had to use the bathroom. There were 30-40 people talking outside the door, so I thought it would be ok to make some noise. Just as I'm about to begin having explosive diarrhea, everyone fell silent as my dad began to pray for our meal. FML

agreeclassic 52 273

vote type 1 5 560

Next

TOP COMMENTS

Misaki18 17

Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:27

Was it a boy or a girl?

HeyHeyFishFillet 34

Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:29

Rule of life #562...Always make sure you're alone before you act like a complete weirdo.

Comments

girlbye23 15

Wednesday 4 September 2013 12:56

Thats...odd

Beepbeep7 14

Wednesday 4 September 2013 13:19

28 seeing your picture just made this fml funnier to me.

worldclassrager 39

Wednesday 4 September 2013 13:49

Just unload quietly or just say things quietly...and make sure you are for sure alone...

DWynter 11

Wednesday 4 September 2013 14:13

Sound effects? Really? YDI.

Abbbiiieeeeeeeee 16

Wednesday 4 September 2013 14:33

I do agree that your life sucks, but you totally deserved that shit.

cappellaaa 23

Wednesday 4 September 2013 15:02

well that's weird...

JhovannyA 7

Wednesday 4 September 2013 16:01

LOL. FYL OP

notsofriendly 17

Wednesday 4 September 2013 16:26

HAHAHAHAHAHA

LegolasPrincess 10

Wednesday 4 September 2013 16:32

Aww was she excited to a be a grandma?

DanielleinDC 33

Wednesday 4 September 2013 16:43

Giving new meaning to the expressing "dropping the kids off at the pool".

1
2
3
4
5

VDM sur Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Love Coworkers Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Kids Parenting Annoying Shopping Jealousy Underwear Parents Thief Intimacy Suspicious Sex Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Top

Top

Today, my friend was picking on me at school by constantly tapping on my shoulder. At recess I had enough. I felt the familiar tap on my shoulder, and I drove my elbow into what I thought was my friend's stomach. It was my Principal. FML

agreeclassic 29 548

vote type 1 17 413

Today, my bosses pulled me aside and said to me they appreciated me for being such a hard worker, and told me they had something for me. They gave me a one year pin. Today was my 3 year anniversary. FML

agreeclassic 510

vote type 1 71

Today, I woke up to a broken window and 3 guys sitting in my living room watching TV. FML

agreeclassic 40 221

vote type 1 3 089

Today, I walked into work, and the first question my boss asks me is "Are those your pajamas?" I was wearing my favorite outfit. FML

agreeclassic 30 910

vote type 1 9 498

Today, I took Ambien for the first time. Not only did I not fall asleep, but I took my mother through a list of all the men I've slept with. I do not remember a thing, but apparently I was very thorough. FML

agreeclassic 27 488

vote type 1 6 292

Today, it only took my dad 10 minutes after I'd arrived at my parents' house for him to say that the actor scheduled to be the new Doctor Who couldn't be Doctor Who because "He's black!" I did try pointing out that Doctor Who is an alien with two hearts but… I gave up after that. Merry Christmas, yeah. FML

agreeclassic 551

vote type 1 203