Health: They're perfect for each other!

They're perfect for each other!

By yosmurf - 11/03/2017 18:00

Today, I took my brother to the ER. His bimbo girlfriend told him he has "ironing board abs" so they had the bright idea of ironing her clothes on his stomach. When the Dr. asked him why he didn't stop if it burned, he said he didn't want to look "like a pussy". He'd have likely drowned if she'd gotten it right and said "washboard abs". FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 626

You deserved it 559

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Same thing different taste

By AbFlab - 01/06/2010 04:35 - United States

Today, I've been dieting and working out trying to work towards some solid abs because I know my girlfriend digs that stuff. I've been miserable trying to achieve this goal, plus to make things even better while kissing today she grabbed my stomach and said "I just love your abs of... flab." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 795

You deserved it 5 224

Iron Man

By Anonymous - 14/12/2009 23:46 - United States

Today, my little brother punched me in the stomach. When I didn't flinch and he asked me why, I thought it would be funny to tell him I was Iron Man and that nothing could hurt me. Two seconds later, he took a step back and kicked me in the nuts as hard as he could. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 673

You deserved it 38 459

By creepedasfuck - 23/09/2012 16:50 - United States - Limington

Today, my step-brother had some serious bowel distress and rushed to the bathroom. Because he forgot to quit his group chat with his buddies, I quickly found out that the reason he's so over-protective, and hostile to my male friends, is because he wants to get into my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 174

You deserved it 2 375

By Radbaby - 12/10/2018 03:00

Today, I asked a guy to change into a gown for an X-ray exam. I asked him to leave his underwear on, everything else off. Apparently he was going commando, as he left skid marks on my table when the exam was over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 077

You deserved it 166

By coeurdlucky - 19/10/2010 05:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to see his 72-year-old mom who just had minor surgery on her abdomen. When we asked how she was healing, she lifted up her nightgown to show us a bruise near her belly button. She wasn't wearing any underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 187

You deserved it 3 567

By auntoftheyear - 10/08/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, I saw my brother's pregnant girlfriend smoking. Disgusted, I asked him why he didn't just stab her in the uterus and get it over with. He laughed like it was a joke, then cussed because he spilled his cereal. He's more concerned about spilled cereal than having a brain-damaged child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 336

You deserved it 10 057

Prissy

By barfyshirt - 06/12/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I got really sick at my boyfriend's house, and barely made it to the toilet in time to throw up. it got on my shirt so I asked if I could borrow one of his. He said I could wear one of his dad's shirts because he didn't want his to get too stretched out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 958

You deserved it 7 199

By Anonymous - 03/07/2019 20:02

Today, my brother has two broken arms and needs help wiping his own ass. Bonus, he has bad diarrhoea from the food poisoning he got from the shrimp he made me hand-feed him yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 940

You deserved it 177

Haters

By ForeverAFatty - 29/05/2021 20:01 - United States - Staten Island

Today, my boyfriend invited me to swim at his house. I'm very obese, so I had some reservations about it, but he assured me it'd be alright. Instead, the whole time I was treated to his mother commenting on my weight umpteen times, and his brother calling me "Moby Dick" and throwing pool noodles at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 901

You deserved it 342

By Anonymous - 01/01/2015 15:09 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my little brother that my pads were not in fact "big band-aids" and that he should probably remove them from his legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 167

You deserved it 3 278

manofmerr 27

Saturday 11 March 2017 18:25

"Two things are infinite. The universe, and human stupidity. And im not sure about the universe." Albert Einstein

Cynical_1 26

Saturday 11 March 2017 18:32

I hope for the sake of humanity that they don't ever reproduce!

Comments

James Grant 2

Saturday 11 March 2017 18:22

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

manofmerr 27

Saturday 11 March 2017 18:25

"Two things are infinite. The universe, and human stupidity. And im not sure about the universe." Albert Einstein

lexos 16

Saturday 11 March 2017 18:44

Don't forget the winrar trial period

Cynical_1 26

Saturday 11 March 2017 18:32

I hope for the sake of humanity that they don't ever reproduce!

OhPuhleeze 23

Sunday 12 March 2017 5:43

I bet they are working on that as I type this. why am I reminded more and more of Idiocracy every day?

manofmerr 27

Monday 13 March 2017 22:48

I feel like i might need to start working quotes from idiocracy into my comments.

egnur_mas 19

Sunday 12 March 2017 12:41

That was my first thought after reading this.

slapstick1982 20

Saturday 11 March 2017 18:34

Hilariously written. True or not

livamour 17

Saturday 11 March 2017 18:55

Interesting that you insult the girlfriend and not your brother

sousaphonist 14

Saturday 11 March 2017 20:15

This sounds like a narrowly-averted Darwin Award

James Grant 2

Saturday 11 March 2017 21:23

Ironing boards are flat. No one says ironing board abs.

Catdragon 40

Sunday 12 March 2017 3:14

They do say ironing board chests if you're a girl though

jkjorn 15

Monday 13 March 2017 14:34

Yeah, I think the usual term is "washboard abs", which makes the brother & gf doubly stupid.

GrannisGoddess26 5

Saturday 11 March 2017 22:35

Doesn't sound like the brightest crayon in the box. ?

great_nate 24

Sunday 12 March 2017 0:36

You can't fix stupid.

Moerighan 23

Sunday 12 March 2017 4:55

Pray they never procreate.

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The Top

Today, I'd thought I was somewhat friends with a girl, the only person I actually talked to outside of school, but after overhearing a discussion I think she may actually have restricted me on Instagram, because I've "always pissed me off anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 281

You deserved it 84

Today, I got to meet the guy that I have been talking to over a dating website. We were having a great time, at least until I managed to randomly fall asleep in front of him. I spent the rest of the day sending text messages trying to explain to him that I suffer from narcolepsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 256

You deserved it 1 045

The Top

Today, I received an email asking for a Skype interview at 11 am sharp. I waited for half an hour. He never even accepted my contact request. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 868

You deserved it 937

Today, I got my dad to fill in a questionnaire my teacher handed out on Friday. One question said, "I would like to see my son/daughter ______." My dad wrote in the blank space: "Less often." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 427

You deserved it 4 533

Today, I met my boyfriend’s 6 year-old son. The first thing he said to me was, "You’re not going to leave us for another man like mommy did, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 177

You deserved it 98

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house. Expecting to get a little action, I was surprised to find that he had fallen asleep while I was showering. I spent my night watching television and browsing the internet while he snored. Loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 540

You deserved it 10 067

Today, my boyfriend has had name ideas for his future son and daughter even before I met him, but so have I. He disregards my ideas and suggestions, and is hell bent on giving our kids names because he likes "the way they sound." 'Hippopotamus' sounds good, but who’d name their kids that? FML

I agree, your life sucks 931

You deserved it 154

Today, after meticulously rereading my application, merging references, budgets, academic transcripts and itineraries for an amazing scholarship, I clicked submit, only to remember that the system was on Daylight Savings time, which we don't have in my state! I missed out on $2,500 by 3 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 151

You deserved it 4 651

They're perfect for each other!

Same thing different taste

Iron Man

Prissy

Haters

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