Love, Sex, Dogs Annoying Isn't there someone you forgot to ask? - FML

Isn't there someone you forgot to ask?

Anonymous - 22/10/2022 02:00

Today, I've come to the realization that my girlfriend's mini Australian Shepherd dictates everything, from a hug and kiss goodbye, to when we try to have sex. The worst part is she won't do anything about it. Looks like another night with the damn dog between us… FML

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Chinese New Year: Dragons and Laughter
Celebrate with stories where tradition and humor meet for a colorful Chinese New Year. …

mykhael - 21/08/2013 18:58 - United States - Opelousas

Today, my girlfriend and I started fighting. Instead of arguing for herself, she decided to set her puppy on me. Only "Puppy" is the name of her fully-grown police-trained German Shepherd. FML

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Good boy

Anonymous - 01/03/2024 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, and ever since my girlfriend insisted we needed a dog, our lives have been taken over by the little bastard. She can’t leave without him chewing everything from separation anxiety. He bites me if I so much as walk near him. Neither of us want him anymore but she feels too guilty to rehome him. FML

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Anon. - 05/05/2016 21:00 - United States - Allentown

Today, like every other day my boyfriend and I try and have sex, his dog cried and whined outside of his room until we stopped. She does this all the time and it kills the mood instantly. I can't have sex because of a toy poodle. FML

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Afroman720 - 27/07/2015 18:55 - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because her dog "told her to". FML

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NotTHATbad - 19/11/2016 17:26

Today, I found out that sometimes when my girlfriend is mad at me she will allow our unfixed male dog to jack off on my pillows when I'm at work. She won the battle and the war. FML

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Dog people

anonymous - 12/12/2021 10:59 - United States

Today, my dog-obsessed wife complained that we never have sex anymore. Call me crazy but constantly hearing her say how dogs are better than husbands, sleeping with three huge dogs in bed every night, and watching her shove her tongue in the dogs’ mouths doesn’t exactly whip me into a sexual frenzy. FML

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Bitches, amirite?

Sergeant Bri - 16/07/2023 09:00 - United States - Norwood

Today, my dog is much too fond of barking at me loudly and at length for no reason. So is my girlfriend. FML

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Man's best friend

just being honest - 19/05/2023 21:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend is refusing to do anything around the house for me, including cooking, cleaning, laundry, or having sex. When I saw her cooking, I asked if any was for me. She instead replied, “Have the dog do it for you.” All this after I told her honestly that yes, my dog does mean more to me than she does. FML

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Don't blame the dog!

Anonymous - 22/04/2023 10:00

Today, I realized that it's not just the dog who's cockblocking me and not letting me get close. My girlfriend, whom I live with, rejects practically every advance. Of course, during her shark week, at least I get an excuse. I average once a month if I'm lucky. FML

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ohsnap - 22/01/2011 21:24 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was going down on me, when I heard my dog start growling. He must have thought my girlfriend was hurting me, because out of nowhere and before I could do anything, he attacked her. FML

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RichardPencil 30

Saturday 22 October 2022 4:23

Hey, it's a "dog eat dog" world. Or a "doggie-dog" world. That sounds funnier.

SirEnigM0nk 22

Saturday 22 October 2022 5:01

In Soviet Russia, Pooch screw you!

SirEnigM0nk 22

Saturday 22 October 2022 3:23

You may not be pussy whipped, but you are bitch slapped.

RichardPencil 30

Saturday 22 October 2022 4:23

Hey, it's a "dog eat dog" world. Or a "doggie-dog" world. That sounds funnier.

SirEnigM0nk 22

Saturday 22 October 2022 5:01

In Soviet Russia, Pooch screw you!

BurnInDemonFire 35

Sunday 23 October 2022 15:20

That pooch is definitely screwing someone. And it ain't the OP.

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Love Coworkers Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Kids Parenting Annoying Shopping Jealousy Underwear Parents Thief Intimacy Suspicious Sex Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Today, my friend's son asked me how much coke costs in this place. I told him, "About a dollar?" He said, "Wow, that's really cheap for blow." He's 10. FML

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Today, I was prepping for an interview after several months of unemployment. I had just finished brushing my teeth when I reached back and grabbed a towel behind me to wipe my face. Turns out it wasn't a towel, it was my newly dry-cleaned suit jacket that my wife had put there for me. FML

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Today, at 4 a.m., I remembered that I had not studied for my Spanish exam. I panicked, jumped out of bed, and frantically began searching for my notebook. It wasn't until I destroyed my desk and woke up my roommate that I realized that I'm not enrolled in Spanish this semester. It was a nightmare. FML

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Today, my neighbor, who is an elderly woman that I barely know, decided to tell me about how she feels she's lost too much weight and now when she looks at herself naked she thinks her boobs hang and look like bull testicles. FML

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Today, my mom was "that" customer at the local drive-thru. She slipped into attention whore mode and bitched the guy out for not giving us extra fries. He said she didn't ask for any, which was true. Instead of apologizing, she swore at him and floored the gas, sending our drinks spilling all over me. FML

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Today, my mom texted me, “I just want you to know I love you very much.” Touched, I replied, “I love you too, Mom!” Her next message said, “Oops, wrong person.” FML

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