First Dates

First date blues

By Anonymous - 28/05/2009 20:15 - Canada

Today, I was getting ready for my first date with a boy I really like when my dad insisted on meeting him. My dad is super protective and a cop. He cleaned his gun in front of my date and made it clear he had to be careful with me. My date started to cry when we got to the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 882

You deserved it 6 407

Meat is murder

By meatballz - 16/03/2010 04:28 - United States

Today, I went on my first date with a girl I have been infatuated with for months. At the restaurant, the waiter came while she was in the bathroom. I ordered steaks for both of us. Turns out, she is vegetarian, and doesn't like it when men are "overly aggressive." She called me a cow murderer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 477

You deserved it 43 879

First and last date

By Xyanthe - 18/03/2023 00:00

Today, my date was making remarks about “stupid illegals” and “immigrants are everything wrong with this country” because our waiter barely spoke English and apparently got his order wrong. When I reminded him I’m an immigrant, he said, “But you speak English and you’re legal, so you don’t count.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 949

You deserved it 281

Confidence

By Anonymous - 14/11/2023 16:00

Today, the first word out of my date's mouth was, “So, how much money do you make?” That was it. No hi, how are you, or what do you do for fun, or do you prefer cats or dogs, just straight to, “How much money do you make?” Gold-digging timewaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 783

You deserved it 113

Tonight, on First Dates…

By dumper - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to go on a first date with this guy I had a crush on for months. It was such a big deal for me cause it was my first date ever. The first thing he says when we met was, "I have to take a dump." I sat by myself for 10 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 638

You deserved it 5 702

Puffy

By blow me - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Australia - Vermont

Today, I bought some pricey lipstick for a date tonight. An hour after putting it on, my lips are so swollen, I look like a blow-up sex doll. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 272

You deserved it 3 523

Never road head on a first date

By Anonymous - 04/03/2022 12:00

Today, I drunkenly gave my date road head while he was driving me home. He must have gotten what he wanted, because that was a week ago and he’s totally ghosted me since. I’ve never felt this cheap and nasty and humiliated in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 666

You deserved it 1 653

Tonight, on 'First Dates'…

By Anonymous - 17/04/2024 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, so… you know how sometimes girls give the weird guys a chance and it works out beautifully and they marry, have kids, and live happily ever after. Yeah, didn’t work for me. I gave the weird guy from work a chance and he asked if he could lick my armpits on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 630

You deserved it 140

Smooth Operator

By kingpig - 02/02/2012 18:00 - Sweden

Today, I was on a date with a guy I've been crushing on. In the middle of the dinner, he said he had to go get something from his car. When I asked what it was, he smiled and said it was a surprise. I waited for my surprise for half an hour. Then I decided to pay the bill and go home and cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 077

You deserved it 3 764

Classy

By Anonymous - 31/05/2024 22:00

Today, my date turned up with her baby. Funny she never mentioned she was a single mom. She went to the bathroom and left the baby with me. Can you see where this is going? Yep, security footage showed that she walked out without looking back. I had to give the baby to the police. Shame on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 854

You deserved it 111

Hyper self-awareness

By Anonymous - 29/01/2023 23:30 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was on a first date and everything was going great, until I realized I had garlic breath from the garlic bread I ate earlier. I tried covering it with a mouthful of wine, but it just made it worse. I ended up trying to avoid any closeness, and now I guess I'll just die alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 571

You deserved it 488

Pick me !

By Anonymous - 13/01/2025 20:00 - United States - Maryland Heights

Today, I went on a date with a guy I’ve been wanting forever. Trying to impress him, I told him I like talking about sports and smart topics instead of talking about makeup and boys like other girls. He stared at me in confusion and asked, “What’s so bad about being like other girls?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 924

Seize the day

By John S. - 25/04/2021 16:59

Today, I finally decided to try to get a date with the girl I like at work. While I was looking for her around the office, her supervisor approached me. She's in the hospital due to Covid-19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 974

You deserved it 146

J'ai rien compris

By Anonymous - 21/02/2022 00:01

Today, my date dumped me after he took me to see a French language film and I was completely unable to follow the plot, or discuss the underlying philosophical and sociological themes and nuances afterwards. Apparently I’m not smart enough for him, which is just insulting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 977

You deserved it 245

Weirdo geek freaks out

By katw - 10/03/2021 02:01

Today, I went on a first day with a guy. It went well up until he saw my phone, loudly declared that I was ‘gross’ for having an iPhone, and then stormed out. I’m on a family plan and if it were my choice, I would have got an Android. FML

I agree, your life sucks 932

You deserved it 261

Let's do this again?

By Giselle - 13/10/2024 00:00 - Australia

Today, I went on a date with a guy who insisted on eating off my plate the whole night. He didn't order his own food, because according to him, "it’s more intimate to share." He didn’t get why I found the whole deal off-putting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 546

You deserved it 70

Caught

By EllaElle - 04/05/2021 06:01

Today, I went on a date with a guy. I lost interest in him quick, so I excused myself to go to the bathroom, hoping to make a run for the hills. As soon as I reached the front door, our server yells out, "I hope you’re not thinking about dining and dashing!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 458

You deserved it 3 512

Richard?

By fartbucket51995129565 - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - New York

Today, after having asked me out on Monday, the guy I like angrily cancelled our date because I "hadn't bothered" even talking to him for "several days". One day. You didn't hear from me on Monday. It's now Tuesday. That's one day, dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 607

You deserved it 6 949

Reverse Uno card

By BlackCheetah101 - 04/11/2009 06:51 - Australia

Today, I had a blind date that my friend set me up for. My date was the ugliest, most disgusting person you will ever meet, but I thought that I would give him a chance. He saw me, eyed me up and down, then said to my friend, "You're kidding, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 529

You deserved it 9 927

Boo! Get better material!

By Anonymous - 22/03/2022 18:00 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I recently met. He was quite funny throughout our meal, so I came home and told my flatmate all about him and the stories he'd told me. My flatmate said, "Hang on…", pulled out his laptop, and showed me some videos. All my date's jokes were stolen from Ricky Gervais. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 044

You deserved it 158

Maturity level

By Clairebear - 07/05/2024 15:00 - United States

Today, I went on a date with someone I'd met online. Everything was going surprisingly well, until I knocked over my drink, spilling it all over my date's lap. In a panic, I blurted out, "Dude, did you piss yourself?" Needless to say, there will be no second date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 112

You deserved it 843

Great meeting you!

By Anonymous - 04/10/2025 09:00

Today, I met my online date at a café. As soon as I walked in, I walked straight up to the wrong person, and launched into a 2-minute ramble about how excited I was to finally meet him. He just blinked and said, “I’m married.” My actual date was sitting right behind me, albeit a similar but not as good looking man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88

You deserved it 487

Bad omen

By DefiantBaka - 21/05/2022 16:00 - Canada - Stony Plain

Today, I found out the man I have a date with next week is married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 071

You deserved it 124

Depends how old you are

By SocialSuicide - 17/06/2025 15:00 - United States

Today, after I met a guy online and we'd became fast friends, talking every day about everything, things got flirty after half a year of talking. A year in, I finally got the time to meet up with him. It turns out he lied about his age. He's 8 years younger and in college. I fell head over heels. Help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 236

You deserved it 360

Classic

By KDH - 26/01/2024 09:00 - United States - Santa Monica

Today, I went on a blind date and mistook someone else at the restaurant for my date. We had a great conversation… until the real blind date arrived. The look on both their faces was priceless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 559

You deserved it 133

The hell that is dating

By Laura - 15/07/2023 22:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I went on a first date with a guy. He told me his wife had filed for divorce this morning (I had no idea he had ever been married) and then he sent me the e-receipt for my nachos along with his Venmo handle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 874

You deserved it 150

Don't cheat

By Anonymous - 04/08/2024 12:00 - Canada

Today, I finally met the guy I've been getting to know online in person for a date. When we saw each other, we both realized that we had heavily Facetuned our profile pictures. The awkward silence that followed was the longest five minutes of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71

You deserved it 964

Toxic waste

By Anonymous - 02/09/2022 12:00 - Europe

Today, I was on a first date with a girl at a lake. I felt my stomach rumble and knew I couldn’t make it to shore, so I dropped into the water and had violently diarrhea in the water. It started to bubble, and so I started splashing around, saying, “It’s cold” while she swam around me, in my shit water. I’ve never told her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 150

You deserved it 464

Hairy situation

By hair today gone tomorrow - 23/04/2022 04:00 - United States

Today, a guy I liked came to pick me up for our first date. As he opened the car door, I noticed nearly an inch of dog hair on every surface of the interior. Not wanting to get it all over me, I asked if we could take my car instead. He was so “insulted” he drove off and left me standing there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 316

You deserved it 446

Not cool, dude

By Jabba - 07/11/2023 14:00

Today, I met my Bumble date. I was so excited because it’s my first date in 6 years. We exchanged hellos and he said he needed to use the restroom. Turns out he left. When I messaged him to ask what happened, he told me, “I agreed to go on a date with the hot girl in the photos, not a contestant from 'My 600lb Life'.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 318

You deserved it 885

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Keywords

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The Top

Today, while using a urinal in a very busy mall bathroom, another man unzipped his pants and attempted to use the same one as me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 858

You deserved it 3 182

Today, I heard my alarm go off, dragged myself out of bed, had breakfast and got ready for work. As I was heading out the door I checked the time again. It was 1:41 AM. Apparently my alarm never actually went off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 489

You deserved it 6 106

Today, still suffering from an eye infection, I received a customer complaint. Having red eyes, asking how a patron's day went, and thanking them as they left my register obviously means that I must be stoned out of my mind. Apparently I've moved to a city where you must be on drugs if you're nice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 898

You deserved it 2 533

Today, I was told to stop processing certain transactions at work because I'd tried to make rich people follow the same tax rules that we force poor people to follow to the letter. I'm guessing it won't be too long till I'm fired and blacklisted from this career I've had ten years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 168

You deserved it 262

Today, while returning from a class, I stopped to use the bathroom. While in said bathroom, someone threw a chip bag filled with piss water into the stall I was using. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 789

You deserved it 350

Today, I pranked my friend and started a fake fight. However, she opened up and admitted to doing a bunch of stuff. We've now stopped being friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 159

You deserved it 1 143