Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

forever alone -

Today, I was so desperate for someone to talk to I called various restaurants pretending to be interested in ordering food, just so I could have a conversation. I called eleven different places. FML

2 305

1 090

  

Windshield blues

Damnit - - United Kingdom

Today I noticed a large crack in my windscreen. Two weeks after getting it replaced. The warranty doesn't cover cracks. Several attempts were needed to replace it last time for reasons like losing the new windscreen and telling me they couldn't make it that day and turned up any way after I'd gone out. FML

2 280

231

  

Shelved plans

twobyfour -

Today, after spending two hard months losing 20 pounds of my 80 pound goal, I was actually excited to exercise. After I was done exercising, I fell down the stairs and broke my ankle. FML

2 225

283

  

Tales of the Unexpected

maddyUnderstood -

Today, I went into a job interview for Quizno's. The boss there talked to me for an hour and half about everything on God's green earth. She noticed I was a certified swim instructor. I left Quizno's with no job, but with an appointment to teach the boss how to swim tomorrow at 9 a.m. FML

2 213

259

  

Just a friend

UnluckyTh1rteen - - United States - New York

Today, my boyfriend went to get coffee with a friend. As a joke, I texted him to ask how his date with his other girlfriend was going. It really was a date, and apparently it went very well. FML

2 210

287

  

Make your mind up

Jason Brazil -

Today, my boss threatened to fire me because I'm unproductive, and haven't been doing anything. He doesn't tell me what to do, and expects me to read his mind. When I ask him what he wants me to do, he gets pissed and says that I should already know what to do. FML

2 205

563

  

LEAVE ME ALONE

sleepless -

Today, it's the third day that I can't sleep. Somewhere in my room, there's a mosquito craving for my blood, and every time I'm about to fall asleep, I can hear it flying around. I'm covered in bites, even in places that barely see the daylight. FML

2 135

260

  

Business savvy

Anonymous -

Today, my nephew, who I was assured had previous experience, was closing jobs down on the computer after dealing with the customers on the phone without processing the payment for any of their orders. He’s been working for me for weeks. God knows how much money I’ve lost. FML

2 123

634

  

Congrats!

Bittersweet -

Today, after 10 years of frequent international air travel, I got my seat upgraded for the very first time. Also, for the very first time in 10 years, the airline lost my luggage. FML

2 078

169

  

Freaked out

Anonymous -

Today, my son was crying and refusing to sleep in his room because a spider ran along the wall, and it's now hiding somewhere. He’s 19. FML

2 020

544

  

Slippy

Anonymous -

Today, on the bus, water kept dripping on my head so I stood up to move. As I got up, the bus turned round a corner and I fell over into a man's lap. When I tried to get up, I slipped down between his legs and the next seat. FML

2 018

312

  

Babysitter blues

UnpaidBabysitter - - United States - New York

Today, I was shut in a boiling hot room with six children: a ten year-old who kept shouting; a belligerent seven year-old; two five year-olds who thought hitting me was funny, and two two year-olds who wouldn't stop crying. Their parents were just outside, laughing away, ignoring me. FML

2 014

284

  

Slobber

Sad_Happy_Gorl -

Today, after getting together with the guy who I like, and who actually likes me back, he finally kissed me. Unfortunately, he kisses like he’s trying to suck out my soul. FML

1 990

298

  

Smoke signals

rejected - - United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend, who's on vacation halfway across the world, but he didn't respond. I mentioned it to my younger sister who said, "It probably just takes a while for the text to get all the way there." My mom piped up, "Don't be dumb sweetie, he's just ignoring her." FML

1 962

380

  

I don't know either

Anonymous - - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I went camping in the mountains with my girlfriend and her very outdoor loving mountain. I sprained my ankle falling out of the car and got a bug bite on my penis while peeing. Her dad actually asked why she was dating me and she admitted that she had no idea. FML

1 961

670

  

Demon drink

Aliiveopen - - United States - Wasilla

Today, my mom got blackout drunk and tried to fight me, my stepdad, and my brother, resulting in my stepdad leaving, my brother getting two holes from a metal shelf my mom tried to joust him with, and I got bit. FML

1 945

170

  

Goodbye

nba -

Today, my coworkers threw me a going away lunch, since I’m moving on to a better opportunity. Nothing reminds you why you’re leaving like being the last person to your own party, and picking over the minuscule amount of food scraps that are left. FML

1 944

373

  

On the runs

coloneltushfinger -

Today, I did the best at-home manicure I’ve ever had. I took my time and it looked like it was done professionally. As soon as I put on the top coat and waited for it to dry, my stomach rumbled and I had to run to take a dump. The polish smeared everywhere, ruining the whole thing. FML

1 931

483

  

The one with the phone addiction

Anonymous -

Today, after feeling like I've been sucking as a friend and contacting a friend who has called me their best friend, but doesn't talk to me much, we grabbed a coffee. The whole time I was trying to have a conversation, she was on her phone. FML

1 914

265

  

Dad jokes, part #23555

Lizzie - - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my boyfriend came over for dinner for the first time. As a joke, my dad answered the door wearing the white church robes that he wears when he is lay-reading during a church service, and said, "Welcome, child of God." FML

1 897

354

  

Global stinking

Anonymous - - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, my boyfriend told me he thinks brushing his teeth and doing anything basically hygienic is unnecessary now, because, "we're all going to die out around about 2050 anyway." FML

1 873

233

  

Boo!

Today -

Today, in my school's rugby grand final, I had to take a penalty kick to win the game. Possibly the easiest kick I've taken all year. I stuff it up, and it completely missed. A crowd of 2000 people laughed, and later booed me off the field. FML

1 867

484

  

Paper-thin walls

Lauren Davies -

Today, I had to tell my 4 year-old, "I'm wiping my butt right now, I can't get you a drink. Please wait a minute." I distinctly heard my neighbor laughing through the bathroom window. FML

1 865

439

  

GET UP

Anonymous -

Today, I left the apartment door open so the construction workers sent by our landlord could work in the kitchen, while I slept in after working a late shift. They knocked on the bedroom door at 7 a.m., asking me to move the bed. FML

1 830

241

  

Don't mind me

Moon-chan - - Netherlands

Today, I was cycling home. On the way, my laces got stuck in the bicycle pedals and I couldn't move the foot that got stuck. The bicycle fell over, with me attached to it. Everyone was looking at me like, "What are you doing?" FML

1 778

455

  

HELP!

SeatofIgnorance -

Today, during an emergency bathroom visit, I finally broke the toilet seat my fiance had nagged me for months to replace. The broken seat sent me sprawling to the floor. I was still shitting. FML

1 766

5 473

  

Hoarded in

nola2005 -

Today, as my gaze went from the cobwebs hanging from my ceiling to the opened and unopened Amazon boxes in the corners of my house, I realized I'm on my way to being a hoarder. I'm too tired and depressed to do anything about it. FML

1 717

695

  

Meanwhile, at Harvard…

552220000 -

Today, I raised my hand to answer a question, but I forgot the answer, so when the teacher called on me, I just said, "I need to pee." FML

1 700

626

  

Duh

psb1990 -

Today, a guy on the street introduced himself as a photographer with a project about women's feet and asked if he could take a photo of mine. He showed me his Instagram, which looked legitimate at a glance, so I agreed and followed him. Turns out it's a fetish account. FML

1 550

4 519

  

Desks are so judgmental these days!

Anonymous -

Today, I was promptly told to lose weight today by my computer desk when it broke under the weight of my leg. FML

1 346

811