The Top

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By pathetic - 20/08/2010 09:51 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend of a year and I had sex for the first time in several weeks due to relationship problems; I came in less than 10 seconds. We're still having problems. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 716

You deserved it 29 910

By Anonymous - 25/03/2013 21:53 - Netherlands - Drachten

Today, I was yelled at by a customer because I wouldn't give her a new iPhone 5 for free to replace her broken Nokia, which she threw out the window in "blind rage". I felt awful having to thank her for calling. Sadly, this is a daily event. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 789

You deserved it 2 693

By worker666 - 13/04/2014 14:51 - United States

Today, my coworker tried to convince my boss that I'm not human. Her examples of how I'm influenced by demons included how I don't wear a jacket in the winter, and that I once got a nosebleed from sneezing. My boss thinks she's hilarious and is playing along. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 927

You deserved it 4 255

Hey, it's you!

By SlothyMolly - 06/03/2013 17:19 - United States

Today, while working my shift at Taco Bell, a creepy guy started flirting with me. He said, "You remind me of something," acting as if I knew him from elsewhere. I quickly said I used to work at Chili's. He shook his head and said, "No, not a person! An animal. A sloth maybe." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 878

You deserved it 4 210

By epicfail - 28/05/2011 06:45 - United States

Today, my boyfriend convinced me to sneak out. As I was climbing out of my 3rd floor window, he got a text and moved the ladder. Now I'm in the hospital with two broken ribs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 618

You deserved it 37 454

Spooked

By fucking mafia or what?? - 12/01/2013 22:02 - United States - Marysville

Today, I opened my front door to go out for groceries. Lying on my doorstep was a pile of poop. A piece of paper was taped to the ground beside it that read, "Do it again and you'll get more than dog shit." I don't have the slightest clue who I pissed off, or how. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 028

You deserved it 3 466

By Anonymous - 03/02/2012 08:12 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad killed my pet rats. They were playing on the sofa, and he thought they were vermin. This would have been understandable if the reason he came over wasn't to meet them, and they hadn't been wearing bright pink walking harnesses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 044

You deserved it 7 222

By Ashamed_Sister - 30/11/2013 07:35 - Namibia - Windhoek

Spicy

Today, I was proud when I started a confrontation with my best friend's brother because he is a sexist pig who treats women like crap. Six hours later my pride was gone: I made him an after-sex sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 676

You deserved it 78 165

Ashamed_Sister tells us more.

Ashamed_Sister 60

Saturday 30 November 2013 16:19

He just asked me if he can have something to eat. When I finished the sandwich I realized the irony.

By fuggers :/ - 24/11/2013 21:38 - United Kingdom - Basingstoke

Today, my workplace had a big employee photoshoot for an ad campaign. I was there all of 30 seconds before the photographer said, "What the fuck? Look guys, this ain't an ad for facial abortions." He then asked me and another colleague to step out of the shot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 601

You deserved it 3 822

By Anonymous - 09/02/2016 11:28 - United States - Lansing

Today, I took my girlfriend out for a romantic dinner, since we can't see each other this Valentine's Day. Halfway through, my aunt called, telling me my grandma had died. I had to leave because I was crying so much, leaving my girlfriend with a very pricey bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 018

You deserved it 4 467

By krfenton8 - 11/01/2016 06:49

Today, I had a bad feeling about walking to work because of the weather. Instead, I drove. My car slid on the ice and I created a four-car pile up. All three of the other people involved have decided to sue me. I should've walked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 606

You deserved it 4 112

By Anonymous - 12/11/2010 00:54 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was outside eating my lunch when an old man pulled his pants down and took a dump on the sidewalk next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 682

You deserved it 3 030

Checked out

By $$$ - 29/05/2013 04:49 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, an elderly woman couldn't afford all of her groceries at the checkout so she started to take out a few things. I offered to pay for her groceries; she thanked me and walked out. An onlooker then came up to me and told me that she does it to someone every week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 916

You deserved it 6 232

By Anonymous - 06/10/2015 11:46 - United Kingdom - London

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my sister shoving her vibrating phone into her privates. Can't erase that image. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 494

You deserved it 3 426

By Seriously? - 15/05/2013 21:47 - United States - Irvine

Today, while sitting at a red light with my window down, the asshat next to me flicked his still-lit cigarette away. It landed in my car and wedged between me and my seat. It burned a hole in my shirt and my seat, and burned my back and hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 431

You deserved it 3 534

Speak to me

By Lonely - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I felt so lonely that I left the TV on for company. Then the power went out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 130

You deserved it 5 902

By crazydaughter - 12/04/2012 12:51 - Egypt

Today, I walked in on my daughter trying to blow-dry the sweat off her armpits instead of showering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 893

You deserved it 3 281

By anonymous - 21/05/2011 07:20 - United States

Today, I had to take care of my best friend while she was drunk. This meant changing her pee-soaked sheets, making her take a bath to get all the baby powder off, and making her put clothes on as she tried to run out the house naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 357

You deserved it 4 628

By Anonymous - 14/03/2012 06:15 - Australia

Today, a Russian guy came up to me on the train and informed me that I look exactly like a typical Russian woman. He then went on to explain that I even had enough fat to survive their cold winters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 096

You deserved it 4 405

By Anonymous - 05/12/2012 20:05 - United States

Today, I gave a homeless man my last bit of spare change so he could get on the bus. Just as I was about to get on too, I realized I'd lost my bus card. I had to get off the bus and watch as the man waved at me through the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 304

You deserved it 3 142

Pain in the ass

By Kaganate - 09/02/2010 00:32 - Canada

Today, I was sitting on the wooden edge of my coffee table watching my sister's boyfriend play Halo 2, when I leaned back to stretch and shattered the center pane of glass in the table. I now have a large gash in my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 603

You deserved it 25 728

By John - 13/01/2011 21:12 - United States

Today, I cleaned my entire apartment hoping to find the source of the terrible odor I've been smelling for the past week. It's me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 131

You deserved it 39 791

By DreamStatic - 29/07/2013 02:16 - United States - Hinesville

Today, while using a restroom in Walmart, an old lady with a cane hobbled in screaming, "I smell someone making sin!" She would not stop tapping on the door with her cane till I came out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 729

You deserved it 3 186

DreamStatic tells us more.

DreamStatic 8

Monday 29 July 2013 17:31

Forgive me FML, for I have sinned.

By SquishFish - 17/08/2012 04:08 - United States - Westport

Today, my boyfriend was coming home after a month of being away. When I heard him knock on the door, I rushed to open it and jumped into his arms for a hug. It wasn't him; it was the mailman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 818

You deserved it 7 680

SquishFish tells us more.

SquishFish 15

Friday 17 August 2012 16:37

Haha I'm OP. Well our door is solid so i couldn't see him. He was supposed to be there soon, so naturally I thought it was him. The mailman looked flustered for a moment (he was an awesome old guy) and then he smiled saying "Wow someone is excited about getting the mail!"

Disorderly conduct

By Never Going Back To The Doctor - 04/07/2013 07:03 - United States

Spicy

Today, at the doctor's, I had lots of papers to fill out so my boyfriend offered to help. We submitted them and the doctor called me a few minutes later. Under disorders my boyfriend had written, "Major cock craving disorder." The doctor couldn't stop giggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 816

You deserved it 12 478

By rkbkate - 11/07/2012 05:04 - United States - Phenix City

Today, my brother was playing with the pepper spray on my key chain. He didn't think it was real, so to test it he sprayed me in the mouth while I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 538

You deserved it 2 880

rkbkate tells us more.

rkbkate 6

Wednesday 11 July 2012 18:22

This was my post thanks for all the comments guys Haha my brother has a rude awakening coming soon Haha and he is no longer able to touch my keys.

By forgotten - 21/09/2010 22:16 - United States

Today, I was on my hour long bus ride home with a full bladder. Right as the bus reached my stop, the time I spent holding it in was over. I didn't make it out of the aisle before I peed my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 172

You deserved it 7 437

By Anonymous - 20/09/2010 09:37 - Australia

Today, I was emptying the cutlery section of the dishwasher when I reached down and accidentally got the tip of a steak knife wedged half-way under my fingernail. My mum yelled at me for getting blood on the clean dishes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 495

You deserved it 3 865

Memory loss

By UGH - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had to return a shirt to Target. My mom offered to do it for me on her way to work, so I gave her the shirt and receipt. Later, I remembered that on the same receipt I had purchased condoms, lube, and whipped cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 298

You deserved it 81 121

Jumpy

By nearly20yetasfearfulasatoddlerhavingnightmares - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Allen

Today, it's my third night of finally living on my own in a house. I can't count the number of times I have run to my knife and pepper spray after hearing "suspicious" sounds. Maybe I'm not ready to be an adult after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 594

You deserved it 9 335

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The Top

The Top

Today, I got married. It was a beautiful ceremony with all of our family and friends. Too bad it ended with us leaving the reception before dancing even started, since my groom couldn't stop bawling his eyes out from all the stress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 906

You deserved it 4 525

Today, my boyfriend and I were planning how to spend the day together. When I suggested we start off with some fun in bed, then get some pizza and play his favorite video game, he sighed, "Can't we just go straight to gaming?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 059

You deserved it 8 459

Today, while cleaning out my daughter's closet, I found my missing dildo. It's a mold of my husband's penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 441

You deserved it 1 680

Today, I have a horrible hangover. My mom also decided it was a good day to go hiking. I ended up puking on the trail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 850

You deserved it 1 573

Today, I fucked up my schedule on my final semester so bad I need to take a course from a community college at the same time I'm doing a full-time schedule at my university. This doesn't sound bad, but then the only course I could get into is at the same time as one of my university courses. I can't graduate otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 700

You deserved it 398

Today, my mother's blatant favouritism of my little brother hit an all time high when she got him his dream car for his 18th birthday, to the tune of £7000. Do you know what she got me for my 18th last year? £10 in a card and a bottle of cheap wine that she ended up drinking herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 857

You deserved it 89