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With friends like these…

By petra84 - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Evans

Today, I let a friend borrow a power saw. When I found it on my porch later, the blade was missing and the cord was cut. Looking closer, I realized it was his saw. He kept my new one. He totally denies that he switched them and now won't answer his door. FML

agreeclassic 26 895

vote type 1 2 362

Rock on, dude

By sammers27 - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Scottsdale

Today, a weird guy in pajama pants and a fake hair-hat kept standing by us at a concert. Everyone talked about what a creep he was. I would have too, but he was my dad. FML

agreeclassic 47 559

vote type 1 4 957

I'm a loser, baby

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I felt like too much of a loser to go to a Christmas party, since I'd be the only one going without a date. I had to invent imaginary friends who were "coming into town for the holidays" to feel like less of a loser. FML

agreeclassic 26 641

vote type 1 10 014

Inspection time

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Monterey

Today, my grandmother made a rule that every time we take a crap, she has to examine the turds to make sure they aren't big enough to clog up the pipes. I don't know what's worse: that she looks at my turds, or the fact that she actively comments on them. FML

agreeclassic 49 670

vote type 1 3 697

Careful

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was having a driving lesson. I ended up driving so badly that my instructor asked me to stop the car. Not so he could explain my mistakes to me, but so he could get out and vomit. FML

agreeclassic 26 494

vote type 1 18 369

Mind melting

By Ashley - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Belmont

Today, a friend thought it would be funny to shove me over; I face-planted. I was going to say "Fuck you" and "I will kill you." It came out as "I will fuck you." He's still laughing. FML

agreeclassic 48 619

vote type 1 8 222

Slasher

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Sylvania

Today, my mom bumped into a table with a glass vase on it. Seeing that the vase was about to fall, I lunged to catch it. Before I got there, the vase fell and shattered, resulting in me diving into the broken shards. FML

agreeclassic 49 356

vote type 1 6 036

Classism

By TrailerTrash - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had artfully managed to avoid anyone knowing that I was moving into a trailer park. I showed up at the trailer where all my friends, co-workers, and exes were waiting. My parents knew I was feeling down and wanted to throw me a surprise "moving in" party. FML

agreeclassic 66 887

vote type 1 4 780

Nice dodge

By UTRejected - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was selling winter-themed cookies at my university. I cheerfully asked a girl if she would like to buy cookies to support peer tutoring. Her response? "I don't eat food." FML

agreeclassic 34 973

vote type 1 3 980

Up to date

By kubbyp - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Canada - Ottawa

Today, while reading the paper I saw a picture of a guy I really like that I'd met online. The picture was in the obituaries. No wonder he hasn't called. FML

agreeclassic 51 416

vote type 1 4 125

Glass houses and all that

By mirrorfad - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, my mum got upset with me for having my first hangover ever after being of legal drinking age for over 6 years. She is a closet alcoholic in denial who hides red wine bottles around the house. FML

agreeclassic 31 904

vote type 1 3 345

Thrashed

By Ringo McDingo - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while I was sleeping, I managed to knock down the curtains by my bed. That would explain the gash on my head and blood on my bed. FML

agreeclassic 22 560

vote type 1 2 268

Close shave

By eyeamcool - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, the police posted a description of the car of a child abductor. As everyone slowed down to read the billboard, I realized that the car's description and license plate were very similar to mine. After getting death stares from passengers, I got pulled over. Twice. FML

agreeclassic 63 940

vote type 1 2 773

**** my shit up

By hair2daygone4ever - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my four-year-old daughter thought it'd be funny to cut my hair while I was sleeping. FML

agreeclassic 33 971

vote type 1 4 862

Red scare

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I introduced my Chinese-born girlfriend to the rest of the family. My uncle immediately blurted out, "He's dating a communist." FML

agreeclassic 39 062

vote type 1 4 845

Emergency situation

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, I was on a crowded bus on the way back from my boyfriend's when I suddenly had a terrible nose bleed. I had no tissues, so instead I had to use last night's underwear from my bag. FML

agreeclassic 29 703

vote type 1 5 487

Choose your moments

By jcesom - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my father taught my son to pee on the trees outside. We went to the mall later and my son decided to practice what he'd learned on a potted plant. FML

agreeclassic 44 325

vote type 1 6 215

Xenu approves

By sonofanut - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out my mom has been stealing from me to pay for Scientology courses. FML

agreeclassic 33 697

vote type 1 2 471

It's alive!

By notmyrealname123 - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I found my cat downstairs with a squirrel dangling from his mouth. When I saw this, I yelled at my cat to put it down. He did. Turns out the squirrel was still alive and run. I had to spend the next three hours chasing it out of my house. FML

agreeclassic 36 039

vote type 1 6 590

Smart kid

By bleredoshia - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - New Zealand

Today, after church, my 5-year-old son asked me about God, so I answered his questions in full. We talked about God for over 2 hours. At the end of it all, he pondered for a moment, before saying to me, "That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. You're dumb." FML

agreeclassic 29 947

vote type 1 63 472

Logical

By hooligyn123 - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I'm quite ill. My new step-mother believes that the genetic wheat allergy I got from my mother would have gone away since she's now married to my father instead. Looks like dad picked a winner. FML

agreeclassic 33 837

vote type 1 1 908

Memorable presentation

By paul - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - France

Today, I had a big meeting. Halfway through my presentation, I sneezed, and continued talking. I get some weird looks from my co-workers, but I didn't understand what they meant. When I finished, I passed by my boss walking to my chair, and he gave me a handkerchief. Why? Snot was all over my tie. FML

agreeclassic 26 569

vote type 1 4 880

Hey!

By Richocet - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I was walking home from piano lessons when I saw my dad on a bike, so I shouted after him. He turned his head around and then ran into a tree. It wasn't my dad. FML

agreeclassic 22 352

vote type 1 36 636

Plastered

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Alfreton

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for another guy. Last week, she wrote sweet things like "Love you forever" and "Light of my life" on my arm cast. I have to wait two more weeks until it's taken off. FML

agreeclassic 51 393

vote type 1 3 967

Vacation blues

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was headed on vacation with my family. On the way, our trailer tire blew out. Because the trailer was tilted from the flat tire, the door would not open to get the spare. After breaking the window to get the spare and putting it on, the spare blew out. FML

agreeclassic 24 283

vote type 1 2 115

Milestone

By Falling off the wagon - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my uncle gave me a very expensive bottle of champagne at a celebratory family event. We were celebrating me spending one year sober. FML

agreeclassic 49 880

vote type 1 3 649

Eye bleach

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my grandparents are in town for the weekend and are staying in our guest bedroom. This morning I went upstairs to get a drink of water, only to see my 75 year-old grandfather standing stark naked with the fridge door open. He then asked me if we had any coffee creamer. FML

agreeclassic 49 844

vote type 1 2 975

I don't work here, M'am

By Olorin - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Germany

Today, I was installing TVs in a hospital. When I knocked on a door, a female voice asked me to come in. I opened the door to see an 80 year old woman standing in front of me, naked. She then complained when I hesitated to help her to put some clothes on. FML

agreeclassic 30 737

vote type 1 2 787

Everyone's a critic

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Cortlandt Manor

Today, I brought my best painting yet to college. I showed it off and everyone loved it. Or almost everyone. When we came back from lunch break, we found someone had sharpied the words "JIZZ BUTT" all over it. That painting took two weeks to finish. FML

agreeclassic 23 981

vote type 1 2 049

Assumptions

By Badatlife - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Australia - Kellyville

Today, a guy at work pulled me aside to tell me that I probably shouldn't be working a job where I have to interact with customers, because of my autism. I don't have autism. FML

agreeclassic 51 281

vote type 1 4 745

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

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Today, I was trying out for a play I really wanted to be in. After my audition, I was feeling really good. She said she would post the cast list tomorrow. Not knowing where she would post it, I asked her. Her reply? "It doesn't matter. You won't be on it anyway." FML

agreeclassic 39 343

vote type 1 3 352

Today, I sneezed while I was in the middle of getting a root canal. I managed to warn the dentist that I was going to sneeze, but he didn't manage to get the tools out of my mouth in time. FML

agreeclassic 29 610

vote type 1 2 098

Today, my daughter finally learned that you can’t sleep your way to success, after she tried and failed to seduce her married boss, was sacked, and blacklisted as a potential lawsuit throughout every company specialising in her chosen career field. FML

agreeclassic 1 543

vote type 1 518

Today, I was told I will be having twins; this came as a shock since there are no twins in my family. When I asked my mom about it, she said that she wasn't surprised and not to worry about it because she had "absorbed her twin" and that the problem would "take care of itself." FML

agreeclassic 26 171

vote type 1 2 056

Today, I discovered that I sometimes talk in my sleep. After spending an amazing, perfectly romantic night with my boyfriend, I woke up to him telling me to leave. I have no idea what I could have said. He still won't talk to me. FML

agreeclassic 30 695

vote type 1 3 072

Today, at 2:30 in the morning, my brand new fish tank cracked and spilled ten gallons of water into my carpet. FML

agreeclassic 3 286

vote type 1 246