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Brandon may have an FML, but he ended up marrying Jessica. You found this out by reading “FML, the follow up.”
Why am I up so early?
You commented on an FML between 6 and 7 am.
Today, my two moms were telling some fairly obscene jokes about their sex life. When I told them to stop making such vulgar jokes, they turned to me and said, "What makes you think we were joking?" They then clarified that they were in fact being completely serious. FML
Today, my dogs broke through our electric fence, one of whom managed to get his collar off. I picked it up and, without thinking, went across the fence line. I screamed like a chihuahua being run over by a bulldozer. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were visiting a historical war bunker when I accidentally let rip a small fart. My boyfriend responded with a horribly loud, horrendous fart, and loudly announced, "This is war." There were people, lots of people. FML
Today, like every day, I used my phone while taking a dump. As I reached for some toilet paper to wipe myself, my sister pounded on the door for me to hurry up. I yelled "Fine," and without realizing it, wiped myself with my phone. FML
Today, my girlfriend has a new obsession: grabbing my junk and whispering in my ear the song, "Baby, Imma Be Your Motivation." Problem? I get an instant boner and she only does it in public, because it's "funny as hell." FML
Today, I was trying to get my boyfriend in the mood so I held his hands against the bed, and whispered, "Have you been a bad boy?" Thinking he'd say something kinky back, he replied "Yes Santa" then burst out laughing. FML
Today, after a root canal, I went to the pharmacy for some pain killers. The cute girl behind the counter asked what I needed. When I opened my mouth to tell her, a wave of drool hurtled out and splattered on the counter. FML
Today, I found out the people I babysit for have a nanny cam. Problem is, when I'm there, I act out scenarios in which I have the sweetest boyfriend. I also say his parts out loud in a man's voice. FML
Today, at work while on the toilet, somebody came into the stall next to me and gave a loud play by play of every fart, plop, and grunt. He then asked loudly who I was and when I didn't answer put his head under the stall to look at me. FML
Friday 27 November 2015