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wayham22's favorite FMLs
Today, I woke up to 70 new text messages and 100 calls all from numbers I didn't know. The night before I got into a heated argument with my old best friend about who was prettier. She got mad and posted my number on Craigslist as a prostitute. Apparently I won. FML
by Anonymous / 03/31/2009 at 9:48am / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy
Today, my parents were helping me construct my bed. We ended up not having enough screws to properly secure the frame. My dad mentioned that it might cause problems if I got a girl into my bed. My mom said, "Don't worry about it, we all know that's not going to happen." FML
by ThanksMom / 03/26/2009 at 2:17pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy
Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated up and we started making out. One thing lead to another and the next thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said "Do you believe in Jesus?" FML
by JAY22 / 03/26/2009 at 7:41am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy
Today, I had my car stolen. When the police found it, pretty much everything inside was missing. For some reason, I had left 6 pairs of shoes in my back seat. Whoever stole my car thought it would be funny to take one shoe from each pair. I now own 6 unmatched shoes and my car smells like sex. FML
by proudestmonkey / 03/24/2009 at 1:44am / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy
Today, I saw a video in class about women aged 65+ and their sex lives. An elderly, blind woman was having sex at her senior's home. I don't know what's worse, watching an hour-long documentary on this, or the fact that these women are having way more sex than I am. FML
by notenoughsex / 03/19/2009 at 1:46am / Canada (British Columbia) / Intimacy
Today, I asked my boyfriend while he was eating potato chips if he wanted to eat me. He looked at the potato chips, he looked at me and said "Unless your vagina turns into a potato chip, I'd rather eat these." FML
by myennechee / 03/18/2009 at 1:22am / Germany (Hamburg) / Intimacy
Today, me and my boyfriend came back to my house after a night on the town. Thinking the house was empty, we had sex. Just as it was getting good my phone rings. It was a text from my mom, "Quiet down. Even your father can tell you're faking." FML
by MrAwsum / 03/17/2009 at 4:40pm / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy
by Noname / 03/12/2009 at 5:30am / New Zealand (Canterbury) / Intimacy
Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor... and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. I just inadvertently fucked a spider. FML
by SpiderMan / 03/11/2009 at 8:23pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy
Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
by RC3Welly / 03/09/2009 at 6:58pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy
Today, I was working at Old Navy. A girl came up to me and did a bizarre dance. Not knowing how to react, I imitated her to be friendly with the customer. Then she stopped cold. Her friend stormed up to me and yelled, "you jerk! Why are you mocking her? She has tourettes you know!" FML
by Ricky / 03/08/2009 at 8:00pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work
Today, I was at this awesome party and I was dancing with this really attractive girl who started making out with me all of a sudden. Five minutes later, my friend told me that the girl had just given him a blowjob. FML
by cumguzzler / 03/06/2009 at 11:14am / United States (South Carolina) / Intimacy
by name50 / 02/07/2009 at 1:16pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
- Today, I had to work a double shift as a server with a multi-fractured foot because my boss decided… Today, as a freelancing musician, I had to pass on the best gig I've ever been offered (worth over… Today, I found out my hours at work were getting cut and given to another employee. Not only are my…