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Today, I tried to initiate sex with my boyfriend. As I put on my most seductive moves, he ever so nicely says, "Babe, we just had sex last night. Why don't we wait a while so you've had some time to tighten back up." FML
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On 08/27/2009 at 12:46pm - intimacy - by LizP40 (woman) - United States (New York)
Today, on a plane I was showing my brother the life jackets kept under the seat. After pulling on what I thought was the lifejacket, I then realized that they were kept in the arm rest to my right and for the last five minutes I had been pulling on the foot of the man who was sitting behind me. FML
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On 08/26/2009 at 12:28am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, I spotted my neighbour's cat sitting on their front garden. I bent over and began walking towards it with my hand out saying, "Hello pussycat". I was only a few feet away when I realised I was talking to a white bag of sand. I turned to see my family in hysterics. FML
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On 08/25/2009 at 7:40am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United Kingdom (Reading)
Today, I caught my dad squishing my stick-on bra cups in his hands, trying to figure out what they are. He's an engineer who graduated from MIT. I still don't think he knows what they are. FML
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On 08/23/2009 at 5:35pm - misc - by Kegronauer (woman) - United States (Florida)
Today, I went to the grocery store. My checker was very hot. When it came time for me to pay, I swiped my debit card & the machine kept rejecting it. Sure that I had money in my account, I did it again, before the cute checker informed me that I was swiping my driver's license, not my debit. FML
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On 07/28/2009 at 6:55pm - misc - by flustered - United States (California)
Today, my boyfriend came over so that we could have some "fun". It turns out, his idea of foreplay is squishing my breasts together and making them talk. FML
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On 07/28/2009 at 6:28pm - intimacy - by notsexy (woman) - United States (California)
Today, my 50-year-old mother borrowed my denim miniskirt to go to the bar. In return, she offered to let me borrow her red "f*** me" pumps whenever I needed them. FML
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On 07/26/2009 at 7:51pm - misc - by mvp (woman) - United States (Virginia)
Today, I was in the car with my husband complaining about the way I look. His response, "Babe, if I cared about the way you looked I wouldnt have married you." FML
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On 07/26/2009 at 11:16am - love - by JennaMarie (woman) - United States (Texas)
Today, after a long stressful day, my boyfriend and I decided to take a shower together. As I'm telling him all about my day, I suddenly felt something warm on my foot, only to look down and see him peeing on me. When I asked what he was doing he said "I'm marking my territory, you're mine now." FML
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On 07/24/2009 at 3:34am - love - by Surprise (woman) - United States (California)
Today, I was riding in the car with my boyfriend. While he was driving, I held out my hand as an offer for him to hold it. Instead, he grabs me by the wrist and shoves my hand down his pants. Lovely. FML
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On 07/19/2009 at 9:23pm - love - by DanceOnTheEdge (woman) - United States (New York)
Today, my friend thought it would be funny to put a pretzel on my forehead while I was sleeping on the beach. I now have a pretzle-shaped tan line in the middle of my head. FML
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On 07/16/2009 at 10:28pm - misc - by joe1234 (woman) - United States (New Jersey)
Today, I was in the gas station and I saw this creepy lady staring at me and smiling. She just didn't stop. I even gave an awkward wave to let her know that I saw her staring at me. Finally I decided to confront the woman, turns out the overly happy woman was a cardboard cut out FML
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On 07/15/2009 at 12:20am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (Quebec)
Today, my friend and I decided to get bikini waxes. Afterwards, the women who did the waxing told my friend it was $30 for her wax. Then, in front of the whole salon, the women points at me and says, "You! You so hairy- $35!". FML
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On 07/11/2009 at 4:11pm - health - by waxinghorror (woman) - United States (New Jersey)
Today, I reached into my fridge to grab a strawberry soda. I noticed the can had started to leak from the top so I slurped up the spilt red liquid on the top of the can. I realized it wasn't soda, but blood from a defrosting steak on the shelf above it. FML
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On 06/16/2009 at 12:38am - misc - by kjmsit (woman) - United States (North Carolina)
Today, I got a meat pie for lunch. I bit into it and felt something hard. I spat it out. It was a tooth. I checked my mouth in a panic and discovered, with mixed feelings of relief and horror, that the tooth wasn’t mine. FML
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On 06/13/2009 at 11:13am - misc - by Toothy_Peg (woman) - Australia (Victoria)
