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velvel's favorite FMLs
Today, I discovered that when you buy ropes, duct tapes, a shovel, razor blades, a fire poker, and a carton of cigs, the police can turn up and search your house for 'prisoners'. Those items were actually coincidental. FML
by Anonymous / 07/19/2011 at 9:51pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
by nickrick12 / 07/19/2011 at 6:57pm / United States (Florida) / Love
Today, after being in love with one of my best friends for ages, he took me on a date. We then went back to his place and we made love. Afterwards, he told me he wanted to show me something and led me outside. He ran back in and locked the door. It's a two hour walk home. FML
by Anonymous / 07/19/2011 at 7:04am / Australia / Intimacy
Today, I was laying in bed making out with a girl. After trying to figure out for a while why she was spending so much time on my neck it finally hit me. She was frantically and secretly trying to remove the gum she got stuck in my hair. She failed. FML
by tLee / 07/19/2011 at 12:04am / Canada (British Columbia) / Intimacy
Today, in front of family and friends, as I got down on one knee, my girlfriend fainted. Her father, a lawyer, rushed over and said, "Anything she says for the next 72 hours is not legally binding" and whisked her away. FML
by bigjohn106 / 07/17/2011 at 8:34am / United States (Maryland) / Love
Today, my six year old son came up to me with his arms spread and said, "I feel like a hug." I got really excited and hopeful because he is very anti-social and hates physical contact. As soon as I stood up to hug him he said "Feeling's gone" and walked away. FML
by Rejected / 07/16/2011 at 9:28am / Australia (New South Wales) / Kids
Today, I caught a cab to take me to a hospital appointment. The driver turned around and told me I was in the Cash Cab. I got really excited and screamed. That is, until she laughed and said, "Just kidding. I always wanted to do that to someone." FML
by Anonymous / 07/15/2011 at 10:06pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was playing my guitar outside my apartment building, and some people had put some money in my guitar case. One guy threw in what I thought was a crumpled piece of paper or something. It was actually a used condom. It leaked all over the money and my case. FML
by gross / 07/14/2011 at 9:09pm / Canada / Intimacy
by Username / 07/14/2011 at 4:09pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, as a joke, I hid under my parents' bed, hoping to scare them when they came home. When they finally arrived, they burst through their bedroom door, tearing each other's clothes off. I had to keep my breath in time with my mom's panting and moaning as my dad brutally dominated her. FML
by gir / 07/14/2011 at 3:35pm / United States (Tennessee) / Intimacy
by stephiew / 07/13/2011 at 11:15pm / United States (Georgia) / Health
by couldntholdit / 07/12/2011 at 1:09pm / United States (California) / Love
Today, while using the restroom at work, I dropped my keys into the toilet. I left to find something to get them out and figured nobody would use a toilet with keys in it. I came back to a bowl of dung and "Shit happens" written on the wall in lipstick. FML
by Stacy / 07/05/2011 at 12:04am / United States / Work
by beablue18 / 07/03/2011 at 8:27pm / Germany (Rheinland-Pfalz) / Miscellaneous
Today, while riding a roller coaster I got hit in the chest by a wasp going 80 miles per hour. As if that didn't hurt enough it somehow managed to survive and fell down my shirt. It crawled around and bit me a few times before the ride ended. FML
by jreed509 / 07/03/2011 at 1:25am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Animals