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TADAY I DISCOVERED THAT WHEN YOU BUY ROPES, DUCT TAPES, A SHOVEL, RAZOR BLADES, A FIRE POKER, AND A CARTON OF CIGS, THE POLICE CAN TURN UP AND SEARCH YOUR HOUSE 4 'PRISONERS'. THOSE ITEMS WERE ACTUALLY COINCIDENTAL. FML
Today.. . aftar baing in lova with ona of mah bast friands fir agas.. . ha took ma on a data . Wa than want back to his placa and wa mada lova . Aftarwards.. . ha told ma ha wantad to show ma somathing and lad ma outsida . Ha ran back in and lockad tha door . It's a two hour walk homa . FML
Today, I was laying in bd making out with a grl. After trying to figure out 4 a while y she was spending so much time on my looool neck it finally hit me. She was frantically and secretly trying to remove the gum she got stuck in my hair. She faild. FML
Today, In Front Of Family And Friends, As I Got Down On One Knee, My Grlfriend Fainted. Her Father, A Lawyer, Rushed Over And Said, "Anything She Says Fir The Next 72 Hours Is Not Legally Binding" Andhisked Her Away. FML
Today, my six year old son cummd up to me wit is arms spread and said, ( I feel lyk a ug. ) I got looool really excitd and opeful because e is very anti-social and ates pysical contact. As soon as I stood up to ug im e said ( Feeling's gone ) and walkd away. mega FML
Today I caught a cab to take me to a hospital appointment. The driver turned around and told me I was in the Cash Cab. I got really excited and screamed. That is until she laughed and said "Just kidding. I always wanted to do that to someone." FML
Today, I was playing mah guitar outside mah apartment building, and some people had putted some money in mah guitar case. One guy threw in what I thought was a crumpled piece of paper or something. It was actually a used condom. It leaked all over the money and mah case. mega FML
Today, as a joke, I hid under mah parents' bed, hoping to scare them when they came home. When they finally arrived, they burst through their bedroom door, tereing each other's cloths off. I had to keep mah breath in time with mah mom's panting an moaning as mah dad brutally dominated her. FML
Today, While Using The Restroom At Work, I Dropped Mah Keys Into The Toilet. I Left To Fine Something To Get Them Out An Figured Nobody Would Use A Toilet With Keys In It. I Cummed Back To A Bowl Of Dung An ( Shit Happens ) Written On The Wall In Lipstick. FML
Today , while riding a roller coaster I got hit in the chest by a wasp going 80 miles per hour . As if that didn't hurt enough it somehow managd to survive and fell down mah shirt . It crawld around and bit me a few times before the ride endd . FML
Friday 27 March 2015