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Offline (the 09/21/2014 at 2:48pm)



  • Town/Country : Not specified
  • Title : Mister
  • Birth Date : Sunday 9 March 1980 (36 years old)
  • <3 status : With someone
  • Number of visits : 1011
  • Number of comments : 160
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 1 posted

About twiztedone : It's all about fun!

twiztedone's page activity

Visits<b>TheAspieDork</b> - the 08/24/2016 at 1:45pm<b>melons</b> - the 12/08/2015 at 6:01am<b>UndeadCity9</b> - the 10/27/2015 at 12:50am<b>karacakal2</b> - the 07/13/2015 at 2:02pm<b>beccyvonritter</b> - the 06/17/2015 at 12:06am<b>54MU31</b> - the 04/28/2015 at 11:43pm<b>ajk168</b> - the 02/17/2015 at 2:30am<b>osr215</b> - the 12/19/2014 at 10:45pm<b>supertacowaffle</b> - the 12/03/2014 at 9:36am<b>sweetkitten69</b> - the 07/09/2014 at 3:01am<b>johnduke456</b> - the 06/15/2014 at 5:46pm<b>aa1717</b> - the 03/27/2014 at 10:22am<b>Michellelaura67</b> - the 10/29/2013 at 10:28pm<b>zoegirl_455</b> - the 10/29/2013 at 5:57pm<b>ShadowReaper101</b> - the 10/24/2013 at 2:11am<b>speechprincess</b> - the 10/13/2013 at 4:09am<b>imabassist</b> - the 10/12/2013 at 5:40pm<b>uhmmpaola</b> - the 09/27/2013 at 3:08am

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Why am I up so early?

You commented on an FML between 6 and 7 am.

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twiztedone's favorite FMLs

Today, my husband finally returned from his 18-month deployment. Sexually starved, we wasted no time getting busy. Later as we finally cooled off, I got a message from my Aunt. She was hiding in our closet the whole time to surprise us with cake for his safe return. FML

by jgtrflynn / 06/24/2013 at 12:37am / United States (Oklahoma) / Intimacy

Today, after six months of writing a 40 page paper criticizing a famous method, I found out the professor who conceived it has transferred to my favorite college to head the department I'm applying to study in. They require I submit the paper with my application. FML

by GeoKid / 03/17/2013 at 11:09pm / Canada / Work

Today, my girlfriend finally said that she finally felt ready to have sex with me. It ended up being so terrible that I only managed to get some pleasure out of it when my mind drifted to the thought of going to Olive Garden later and eating some of their breadsticks. FML

by Acolyte of the Bacon God / 02/15/2013 at 2:50pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, as a firefighter, we were called to assist the ambulance crew with lifting a deceased patient out of a house. Little did I know, he had been dead inside for 3 weeks, and was bloated and popped like a water balloon when we attempted to move him. My girlfriend made soup for the evening meal. FML

by Fireguy92 / 01/31/2013 at 11:39pm / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, after much self-doubt and awkwardness, I learned that I look amazing in a little black dress. Now I have to figure out what I'm going to tell my wife. FML

by ohfuckwaffles / 01/29/2013 at 12:28am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, someone put a whole packet of glitter on the blades of my ceiling fan. Too bad I only noticed when I turned it on. FML

by hopelessteej / 01/28/2013 at 8:55am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was trying on some shoes. As I was bending down, an old lady with a walking frame slowly approached. As she got close she whispered to me "Mmm, you've got a nice tushie." My girlfriend will not let me hear the end of it. FML

by Creeped out / 01/28/2013 at 3:14am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend found out you can use food coloring in anything. Everything she cooks is now in bright neon colors. I feel like I'm in a Dr Seuss book. FML

by Anonymous / 01/23/2013 at 8:44pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I have to take a midterm, which is worth a large part of my grade. All our teacher has taught us so far is how to roast s'mores over a Bunsen burner, and how to make gummy bears explode. Our test is on kinetics. FML

by Anonymous / 01/21/2013 at 4:26pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I attended my aunt's open-casket funeral. My sister spent the first quarter of an hour neither grieving nor celebrating her life, but whining that the "cute" clothes my aunt was dressed in could have been handed down to her, instead of being "wasted". FML

by sophietr8 / 01/19/2013 at 3:38pm / Netherlands (Friesland) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, while on the bus, the guy sitting beside me let out the vilest and most nauseating fart I've ever encountered, the kind that could retroactively sterilize five generations of one's ancestors with the smell alone. As I gagged, he smirked and said, "That's Taco Bell for ya." FML

by methane overload / 01/18/2013 at 8:32pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my daughter learned a new song. This would be great, except for the lisp her teacher has. I now have a child screaming about the "itchy bitchy spider" at the top of her lungs. FML

by ugh / 01/08/2013 at 8:01pm / United States (Michigan) / Kids

Today, I sat on my own testicles while having a serious and tenderly sweet discussion with my fiancée about our future together. We were both crying, but for very different reasons. FML

by Anonymous / 12/31/2012 at 6:16am / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, proving that there's no limit to the stupid shit people will do, my husband called me from hospital, needing a lift home. He tried planking on top of his car while his buddies sped it down a hill, and I now have to take care of him while his broken leg heals. FML

by say dump him and i'll kill you / 12/28/2012 at 7:50pm / United Kingdom (Wiltshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend donated most of my book collection because she got me a Kindle for Christmas. Some were signed, including my Harry Potters. FML

by Anonymous / 12/27/2012 at 11:31pm / United States / Love