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timtamslam's favorite FMLs
by douglas / 07/17/2011 at 3:14am / United States (Washington) / Kids
Today, after a stressful week, I spent my last few dollars on some comfort food. Later, my roommate's girlfriend came over and helped herself to my juice, drinking it straight from the bottle. I'm such a germaphobe, I can't bring myself to even take a sip. It's a full bottle. FML
by adamclmns / 07/16/2011 at 6:52pm / United States (Arkansas) / Health
by whyme102008 / 07/13/2011 at 2:32am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy
Today, I was accused of cheating on my wife when an earring was found in our car. I knew it was my mom's missing earring but she didn't believe me. After calling my mom and getting them on the phone to clarify, my wife is upset I told my mother at all. Now I'm not a cheater, just an asshole. FML
by lostbandana / 07/02/2011 at 10:15pm / United States / Love
Today, I was eating Star Wars gummy candies and I bit R2-D2 in half. My girlfriend looked at it and said "Oh look, now he's R1-D1". It was super cute, but I couldn't help thinking, "That's not how the numbering system works for droids." FML
by techiefIve / 06/14/2011 at 6:04am / United States (California) / Geek
by gerligrl97 / 06/12/2011 at 2:50pm / United States / Intimacy
by Maddie110110 / 06/07/2011 at 12:43am / United States (Texas) / Love
by Sid / 04/09/2011 at 8:58pm / United States (California) / Animals
Today, I emailed my potential boss a copy of my résumé. However, I didn't realize until too late that it was my fake resume, created for an English class project. Some of my former jobs included being a certified gangster, as well as the former president of Canada. FML
by Almostfunny / 03/16/2011 at 9:01am / United States (Massachusetts) / Work
Today, I came back to my boyfriend's house where I've been staying to find all my things thrown outside, ruined, including my entire CD collection, textbooks and clothes cut up. All because I had left my cell phone there and had got a text from a guy saying "Hi, how have you been?" FML
Today, I was answering a text from one of my students asking me if they could re-take a test. I thought I'd texted back "No, you can't." Auto correct had used a more frequently used word: "No, you cunt." FML
by Anonymous / 03/03/2011 at 6:22am / United States (California) / Work
Today, I woke up to a bloody nose. Instead of rushing to the bathroom, I creatively dripped the blood over a knife for photography class because the assignment was to show emotion. So many of the students and faculty were disturbed that I'm now forced to talk to the school psychologist. FML
by rhartnett11 / 02/16/2011 at 7:56am / Miscellaneous
Today, I realised that my husband's vows were actually the love speech from 'When Harry Met Sally'. This was made even more humiliating when I discovered that he hadn't even come up with the idea himself, he had seen it in an episode of Scrubs. FML
- 1Today, it's been six months since my husband and I have miscarried our daughter who we named Hana… 2Today, I got dumped for the second time by the guy that I'd been seeing. He actually forgot that… 3Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 4 months. He was always worried I would cheat on him,…
- Today, my mother took me to go and see my grandfather, who I hadn't seen since I was 4. The first… Today, my mom walked in on me masturbating. I minimized the porn on my laptop so she wouldn't see I… Today, while having sex, my girlfriend suddenly broke down and started crying. Apparently, when I'm…