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timtamslam's favorite FMLs
Today, after careful consideration, I told my wife I really want to have kids. She laughed, until she finally realized I was serious, at which point she flicked me in the balls and said, "Problem solved." FML
by Anonymous / 06/20/2012 at 12:41pm / United States (Illinois) / Kids
Today, I was cashiering, and a customer's change came to $5.51. She looked pretty stinking rich, so I just gave her $5.50. She demanded the extra penny, and I asked if she really needed it. She said, "No, but they do, asshole," and dropped her $5.51 in the charity donation box. FML
by ouch / 06/13/2012 at 12:00pm / United States (Florida) / Money
Today, during the early hours, I got hungry and went to grab something to eat. I entered the kitchen, only to see my stark-naked dad sitting at the table, eating cereal and reading the paper. He just nodded at me and said, "Son." I think I need a new pair of eyes. FML
by Rohirus / 06/07/2012 at 7:09pm / Sweden / Miscellaneous
Today, in a rush to get my clothes back on at my girlfriend's house at the sound of her parents opening the front door, I forgot to take the condom off. Her dad watched it fall out of my pant leg and onto the kitchen floor. FML
by Anonymous / 05/31/2012 at 4:53pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Intimacy
by anonymus / 05/26/2012 at 9:48pm / Canada (Ontario) / Transportation
by anonymous / 05/14/2012 at 6:31am / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy
by Optimus_Prime97 / 05/02/2012 at 10:39pm / United States / Money
by Confused / 03/23/2012 at 11:34am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Kids
Today, after suffering with bad constipation and having to eat special bread to get me to go, I have practically just pooped out a week's worth of food in 15 minutes, and I'm still going. I've passed the ring of fire stage, now I just can't feel my asshole. FML
by awhmaaan / 02/27/2012 at 10:55am / United Kingdom / Health
by Miss_Kristen / 02/26/2012 at 10:31am / United States (Missouri) / Work
Today, I was feeling frisky for the first time in months, so I started feeling up my husband. He kept insisting he had a headache and that he wasn't feeling it tonight. When I noticed his sarcasm, he said "Yeah, doesn't feel so great, does it?" and turned the TV volume up. FML
by Anonymous / 02/24/2012 at 10:07pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy
Today, I was having lunch at McDonald's when I dropped a French fry down my shirt. It stuck out the top of my bra. Before I had the chance to remove it, a creepy man picked it out and ate it saying that it was the best French fry he had ever eaten. FML
by Anonymous / 02/05/2012 at 10:45am / Reserved / Miscellaneous
by wetdreams / 02/04/2012 at 7:35pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous
by carssuck / 02/02/2012 at 5:28am / United States / Money
by partypooper / 01/18/2012 at 10:29am / United Kingdom / Health
- Today, my little cousin that's sleeping over tried to reenact the game "Elsa brain surgery" with me… Today, after getting out a low security psychiatric unit two weeks ago and returning to work after… Today, I found my sister talking to her dolls. This would be fine if she wasn't 24, I have to live…