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timtamslam's favorite FMLs
Today, my fiancé invited his pregnant co-worker for dinner. After we finished eating, he sat down and explained to me that her kid is his and that he's been cheating on me with her for 5 months. She had a smile on her face during the entire thing. FML
by Broken / 08/03/2010 at 8:11am / United Arab Emirates (Abu Dhabi) / Love
Today, I was late to work because the metro broke down. Yesterday I was late to work because the train in front of me broke down. The week before that I was late to work because the swat team shut the entire metro station down. Even the interns think I'm making this up. FML
by Katie / 06/30/2010 at 7:36pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Work
Today, a cute thirty-ish chick walked into the bar I work in. I asked her for her license to make her feel young. She didn't have her license on her and started yelling about how stupid it was to even ask, when she obviously was old enough to drink. She then got up and left. FML
by anonymous / 06/28/2010 at 10:21pm / United States (New Jersey) / Work
Today, I was buying condoms for my girlfriend and myself. While at the checkout counter, my guy friend sees me, runs to me, puts his arm around me, kisses me on the cheek, then yells "Thank you baby!" There were about twenty people behind me, they all gave me dirty looks. FML
by imustbegay / 05/09/2010 at 10:20am / United States / Intimacy
Today, I just realized the harder my girlfriend comes during sex, the louder she snores after. I've tried earplugs but sometimes, like tonight, once I am up, I can't fall back to sleep. My choices are thus great sex and no sleep, or great sleep but no sex. FML
by SkiMaskFukd / 05/07/2010 at 9:25am / United States (California) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 03/14/2010 at 3:54am / United States (California) / Intimacy
by RyanM / 03/10/2010 at 10:00am / France (Languedoc-Roussillon) / Miscellaneous
by liz / 03/07/2010 at 8:46pm / United States (Washington) / Work
Today, while losing my virginity to my boyfriend, I had my first orgasm. I don't remember much of what I said during, but after it was all over, he looks at me and says, "You have terrible grammar during climax." FML
by klsdhjla / 02/14/2010 at 8:23pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy
Today, I found out why my boyfriend wouldn't answer his phone last night. He was hanging out with our mutual friend all night. She had been texting me all night about what great sex she was having. My boyfriend was the only person there besides her brother. FML
by michelle / 02/05/2010 at 2:01pm / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 01/23/2010 at 11:14am / Canada (Ontario) / Love
by loveade11 / 01/12/2010 at 2:28pm / Transportation
Today, around 2:00 a.m. I had just sat down on my couch when I noticed one of my cats poking at what appeared to be a toy. I attempted to pick it up to play with the cat when it started to move like a mouse. I squealed like a girl and woke up my wife upstairs. I'm a 26-year-old man. FML
by Anonymous / 01/12/2010 at 2:45am / United States (Ohio) / Animals
by snickerdoodles / 01/08/2010 at 1:30am / Miscellaneous
by grosssss / 01/01/2010 at 8:03am / Australia (Victoria) / Animals
- Today, while on holiday in Morocco, I got arrested by a cop. “Sir, you were driving at 90 instead… Today, on the road in China, I committed a small offense. A cop saw me, stopped me and told me that… Today, I’m on vacation in Peru in the Amazonian forest. I woke up in the middle of the night to the…