This member hasn't filled in the description.
Today, my friend told me that semen was inflammable. Later at night I jacked off into a sock and then, excitedly, tried to lit the sock on fire. Turns out, semen is very much not inflammable. Naked, I shook my sock in the air so it would extinguish while my semen splashed out all over my room. FML
I agree, your life sucks (4283) - you totally deserved it (69235)
On 06/27/2009 at 12:41am - intimacy - by notinflammable (man) - United States (Rhode Island)
Today, I went to announce to my son that I am pregnant again. After I told him, he looks up and yells: "fuck this shit!" and walks out of the room. My son is nine years old. FML
I agree, your life sucks (33918) - you totally deserved it (11529)
On 06/27/2009 at 12:05am - kids - by poormom (woman) - United States (Illinois)
Today, the cops showed up to check out a child abuse complaint, I then had to spend an hour explaining that I had given my son a suppository. The neighbors heard him sobbing hysterically "Daddy, why did you put that in my butt? It hurts." My neighbor had heard and thought I was raping my son. FML
I agree, your life sucks (53942) - you totally deserved it (2298)
On 06/24/2009 at 5:11pm - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)
Today, was my birthday. After hinting for almost 2 months for a Wii, my dad pulls out a shiny new Wii Package. The only problem? The box didn't have a Wii in it. My dad gave me a Wii box with my VCR inside and a note saying "This is life. Once you think you're happy, someone crushes it". FML
I agree, your life sucks (59025) - you totally deserved it (4130)
On 06/23/2009 at 4:01am - misc - by Mullbull (man) - United States
Today, I was taking a nap. Apparently, my two year old daughter decided to crawl on top of the covers on my bed because she was scared since there was a thunder storm. I thought she was one of our cats so I kicked her off. She hit the wall. FML
I agree, your life sucks (21023) - you totally deserved it (54609)
On 06/02/2009 at 2:03pm - misc - by fmlfmlfml (woman) - United States (California)
Today, I was sitting in my basement watching IT. I heard a knocking at my door and turned the outside lights on to see a clown outside staring in at me. I freaked out and began screaming and jumping around like a Chihuahua on drugs. My friends told me it should be on YouTube within the week. FML
I agree, your life sucks (35391) - you totally deserved it (4854)
On 05/29/2009 at 4:14pm - misc - by dumbo (man) - United States (Virginia)
Today, I wanted revenge on the rabbit who ate my garden's plants. When he returned, he was standing next to my brand new above-ground swimming pool. I pull out my 22. rifle and shot at it, but the bullet missed and popped a hole in my pool. 15,000 gallons of water flooded my basement. FML
I agree, your life sucks (6994) - you totally deserved it (103119)
On 05/26/2009 at 8:22pm - misc - by Jerrrr (man) - United States (New York)
Today, I thought it would be funny to fart in my roommates mouth while he was asleep. I walked over to him and pulled my pyjamas down and let loose. To my surprise it was a very wet one and I accidently took a dump on his face, he woke up and beat me until I was bleeding. FML
I agree, your life sucks (14218) - you totally deserved it (221977)
On 04/18/2009 at 1:09am - health - by dumptaker (man) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, I tasted the rainbow. By that, I mean a homeless man hit me in the face with a bag of Skittles for not giving him money. FML
I agree, your life sucks (66165) - you totally deserved it (8168)
On 04/03/2009 at 5:43am - money - by rovery (man) - United States (California)
Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled : "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
I agree, your life sucks (216119) - you totally deserved it (238546)
On 03/09/2009 at 6:58pm - intimacy - by RC3Welly (man) - United States (Florida)
Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML
I agree, your life sucks (377212) - you totally deserved it (64777)
On 02/27/2009 at 2:52pm - intimacy - by jgondi1 (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)
Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up!". FML
I agree, your life sucks (43032) - you totally deserved it (9740)
On 02/16/2009 at 9:29pm - kids - by offbeans (man) - United States (California)
Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML
I agree, your life sucks (419338) - you totally deserved it (25302)
On 02/09/2009 at 8:55pm - misc - by Noname (woman) - United States (Louisiana)
Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML
I agree, your life sucks (287353) - you totally deserved it (42421)
On 02/05/2009 at 7:06am - love - by Noname - United States (Illinois)
[ Page : 1 ]
« Previous page | Next page »
