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by Anonymous / 12/15/2012 at 3:52am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous
by Money-money-money / 12/13/2012 at 9:25pm / France / Money
Today, in history class, we were talking about Ancient Rome, and what childbirth would have been like back then. One girl asked in all seriousness why they didn't use ultrasound machines to see what sex their babies were. I have to deal with people like this on a daily basis. FML
by surrounded by dumbfucks / 12/13/2012 at 6:44pm / United States (Indiana) / Geek
Today, it's the first day of my two-week stay at my in-laws' house. They forbid drinking, smoking, cursing, and anything even remotely sexual. I smuggled in my quietest toy to keep me sane in this holy house. If only I hadn't forgotten to bring the battery pack too. FML
by comeuntome / 11/29/2012 at 2:42pm / United States / Intimacy
Today, I tried to motivate my 9-year-old sister to clean her room. She said she'd only agree if she could kill me. Thinking she was just kidding around, and not a total psychopath, I said sure. She ran to her room shouting, "Yes! I'm gonna use the big knife!" She's still cleaning now. FML
by anon / 11/21/2012 at 2:34pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Kids
by crazycatlady / 11/19/2012 at 11:15am / United States / Animals
by NOIDIDNOT / 11/19/2012 at 1:21am / United States (Arizona) / Health
Today, I had to forcibly separate a boy from my daughter after he grabbed her and started shoving her around. I complained to his mother, only to have her shout, "mind your fucking business" and say that her son can do whatever the hell he wants. FML
by WELL FUCK YOU KINDLY, MA'AM / 11/18/2012 at 4:22pm / United States (New York) / Kids
Today, my girlfriend claimed she was a Viking because she's pale and has blond hair. She also warned me that if I piss her off she'll go 'berserk' on me. She demonstrated by smacking me in the nuts with a wooden spoon. FML
by jasmith / 11/18/2012 at 2:45am / United States (Texas) / Love
by woman / 11/17/2012 at 3:45am / United States (Wisconsin) / Health
Today, I spotted a girl I have a crush on while grocery shopping. Before I could go over and say hi, I noticed her walk over and stroke a few kitchen knives through plastic wrapping. Then I spotted her in the dog food section sniffing rawhide bones with her eyes closed, looking very happy. FML
by grocerystalker / 11/16/2012 at 12:58am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous
by duhasiangirl / 11/14/2012 at 7:48pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health
Today, I paid a surprise visit to my parents, after having moved out for university last year. My room had been stripped bare and all the family photos featuring me were missing from the wall. When I asked why, my mom asked me in return why I was asking stupid questions. FML
by jan420 / 11/09/2012 at 5:03pm / Norway (Ostfold) / Kids
Today, I was giving my son a driving lesson. He blatantly ran a red light, so I told him to pull over to let me drive us home. As I walked over to the driver-side door, he instead locked me out and drove off by himself. FML
by Anonymous / 11/09/2012 at 1:28pm / Argentina (Buenos Aires) / Kids
Today, I had to present a program to my supervisors in University. Not being a native English speaker, I used my own invented abbreviations for parameters in the program. Apparently STD is not an appropriate abbreviation for "standard deviation." I can still hear them laughing. FML
by EnglishLearner / 11/09/2012 at 11:23am / Switzerland (Zurich) / Work
- 1Today, my boyfriend said I didn't give him enough attention because of my busy work life. So… he… 2Today, I was making the daily commute to work when suddenly my mother calls me, crying that there's… 3Today, my boyfriend presented me with a 30-minute montage video of him working out and flexing his…