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t3chn0cr4t's favorite FMLs
Today, at a supermarket entrance, a seemingly drunk old lady said, "Sir?" as I passed by. I just ignored her and walked in. When I walked out with my groceries fifteen minutes later, several people were standing around her, calling for an ambulance. She'd passed out on the ground. FML
by Anonymous / 09/04/2012 at 1:26pm / Netherlands (Utrecht) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 09/04/2012 at 11:09am / United States (Minnesota) / Health
Today, a girl told me she stopped eating cherries ever since her father choked on one when she was a kid. She later mentioned that she doesn't like to drive. I sarcastically asked, "Did your dad choke on a car too?" Nope, her two brothers died in a car accident. FML
by Cherrish it / 09/04/2012 at 12:24am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, I met a really cute girl at a club. At first, she told me I was cute. Then, she slurred that I look like "a spork on legs." Then she sprayed the inside of my mouth with vomit as she kissed me. FML
by anonymous / 09/02/2012 at 6:31pm / United States (California) / Love
Today, I was watching some pretty intense porn on my Macbook. I unplugged the second monitor so I could lie on my bed. Instead of defaulting to the screen, Airplay somehow synced it to the living room TV, where the rest of my family was watching a movie. FML
by WhyAppleWhy / 09/01/2012 at 7:14pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy
by thewhompingwillow / 09/01/2012 at 1:56pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy
Today, the girl I went on an awkward date with two weeks ago showed up at university and started smashing my car with a bat. She then broke down in tears and alternated between declaring her love, and cussing me out for "cheating" on her. FML
by Anonymous / 08/31/2012 at 8:49pm / Australia (Queensland) / Love
by pride? what's that? :( / 08/31/2012 at 8:23pm / Belgium (Vlaams-Brabant) / Intimacy
Today, at college, we had a substitute philosophy teacher, because our professor is on bereavement leave. During his presentation, the sub managed to segue from the early works of Immanuel Kant straight into "the myth of the vaginal orgasm." I'm still shocked and highly confused. FML
by what.....? / 08/31/2012 at 7:40pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, my boyfriend texted me, saying, "I'm running a bath. Wanna come over and learn about water displacement?" I excitedly drove over, thinking he wanted to have some fun. No, he really did want to teach me about water displacement. FML
by Anonymous / 08/29/2012 at 12:38pm / United States (Maryland) / Intimacy
Today, my boyfriend told me that he had once been possessed by demons, and that he now sleeps with a knife under his pillow for protection from, "The dark spirits that are feasting upon his soul." I'm not sure that I'll be sleeping over anytime soon. FML
by StillBetterThanTwilight / 08/28/2012 at 11:56am / United States (Minnesota) / Love
by Anonymous / 08/27/2012 at 2:20pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Work
Today, the office I work at put up a "No Masturbating at Desks" sign. I'm disappointed by this, not because I usually whack off at my desk, but because enough people do that there needs to be a sign against it. FML
by Anonymous / 08/26/2012 at 7:39pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy
Today, while I was at work, my wife sent me a few pictures of her in a new lingerie, to "spice up" my day. She didn't realize that I have iCloud turned on so I can share files with my colleagues. My boss and a dozen other employees received the same pictures. FML
by Michael D. / 08/25/2012 at 12:06pm / United States (Georgia) / Work
Today, I finally had sex with my boyfriend. I had never gotten so far with a guy, so I was really nervous. He was careful, we tried different positions, "it was fun" and he came. I barely felt anything. FML
by Confused / 08/22/2012 at 12:33pm / Spain (Madrid) / Intimacy
- 1Today, someone stole my purse and phone while I was giving CPR to someone who had a heart attack on… 2Today, my boyfriend said I didn't give him enough attention because of my busy work life. So… he… 3Today, I was making the daily commute to work when suddenly my mother calls me, crying that there's…