Submit your FML story

  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
  • - CAUTION: Read your message over. Please don't use text language and avoid making too many spelling mistakes.
  • - Please note that spam and nonsensical stories will result in you being blocked from accessing FML.
Your nick:
Categories :
Man or woman?

swampbaby985

Offline (one hour ago) | Search for a member

swampbaby985

0Liked!

  • Town/Country : Not specified
  • Title : Mister
  • Birth Date : Wednesday 12 November 1986 (27 years)
  • <3 status : Single
  • Number of visits : 1855
  • Number of comments : 69
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 3 posted

About swampbaby985 : I come here mostly for shits and giggles, nothing more.

swampbaby985's page activity

Visits<b>imasexyburrito</b> - 17 hours ago<b>kAPISH</b> - the 08/17/2014 at 8:39pm<b>phoenixrises</b> - the 08/17/2014 at 10:44am<b>diesel_power</b> - the 08/15/2014 at 11:46pm<b>GetIt23</b> - the 08/13/2014 at 9:04am<b>Mons</b> - the 08/12/2014 at 9:10am<b>Amber_Naomy</b> - the 08/03/2014 at 4:27pm<b>BBlah</b> - the 07/31/2014 at 3:18am<b>CAC_Boomerang</b> - the 07/25/2014 at 10:33pm<b>OhWhoCares</b> - the 07/22/2014 at 2:33am<b>minioncandy</b> - the 07/21/2014 at 8:16pm<b>JoshArson</b> - the 07/21/2014 at 9:06am<b>shadowedpixie</b> - the 07/21/2014 at 4:39am<b>pptm</b> - the 07/21/2014 at 2:31am<b>lululatenight</b> - the 07/20/2014 at 9:07pm<b>watermelon1</b> - the 07/20/2014 at 12:23am<b>KawaiiPenguin13</b> - the 07/19/2014 at 9:56pm<b>martin8337</b> - the 07/15/2014 at 11:26am

swampbaby985's FML badges

Perfectionist

Editing your comments can help you avoid embarrassment, and it might make you seem smarter.

Checking you out

You checked out the profile page belonging to one of the last people to have a look at your profile.

The Thumb strikes back

You have left your thumbprint on 2500 comments.

See all of swampbaby985's badges

swampbaby985's favorite FMLs

Today, I downloaded Grindr to my phone. It also downloaded to my mom's phone, my dad's phone, and my brother's phone. FML

#21030290
129 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37119) - you deserved it (19873)

On 01/16/2014 at 9:51pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I had a nightmare in which I was haunted by the ghost of my foreskin. I then spent the whole day moping around, wondering what my life would've been like if my parents hadn't opted to slice it off. Will I see you in heaven, long-lost ghostly foreskin? FML

#20972170
236 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30963) - you deserved it (14711)

On 11/27/2013 at 3:44am - health - by MissYouPieceOfSkin (man) - United States (Washington)

Today, as I was getting my nails done at a salon, the owner pulled my head back against the chair in front of all the customers and began to tweeze my eyebrows. When I exclaimed that I didn't pay for that service, she replied, "I don't care. This needs done." FML

#20882967
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39909) - you deserved it (11345)

On 09/15/2013 at 9:21pm - misc - by BaMiTsAnYa (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, my husband begged me to go down on him while he sat on the toilet, taking a crap. He tried to convince me that we'd both somehow experience mind-blowing orgasms. FML

#20815318
164 comments

I agree, your life sucks (59143) - you deserved it (6538)

On 08/01/2013 at 2:06pm - intimacy - by countryblumpkin (woman) - United States (Michigan)

Today, I returned home from an extended vacation only to find out my cousin wasn't kidding when he said he was going to steal my boyfriend. I thought I was dating a straight guy. FML

#20761976
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42794) - you deserved it (3160)

On 07/03/2013 at 4:56pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, my husband was in our newborn's room, holding and talking to him. I guess he forgot the baby monitor, because I overheard him say, "Wanna know a secret? Daddy kills people." I really hope he was just quoting Dexter. FML

#20732635
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (57257) - you deserved it (4090)

On 06/18/2013 at 1:01am - kids - by imarriedanaxemurderer (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I went to the local pharmacy to buy some condoms. When I went to go purchase them, the elderly lady behind the counter took one look at me and said, "Honey, you're your own birth control." FML

#20715175
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56961) - you deserved it (9861)

On 06/09/2013 at 10:29am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Indiana)

Today, my step-dad was talking about how he was raised in Las Vegas, telling stories about him and his buddies, until he stopped, looked right at my mom and said, "Find her, feed her, f*ck her, forget her. But I never forgot your mom, that's how I stole her from your dad." FML

#20687932
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52532) - you deserved it (3578)

On 05/26/2013 at 7:20pm - intimacy - by MsAnonymous17 (woman) - United States

Today, I walked into the living room to find my 11-year-old daughter about to kiss her "not my boyfriend" on the lips. When I asked what she thought she was doing, she peeled a piece of scotch tape off her lips and said, "It's okay! We're using protection." FML

#20640565
167 comments

I agree, your life sucks (67124) - you deserved it (9904)

On 05/04/2013 at 8:51am - kids - by wtfmama (woman) - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, it transpired that my mom has been spending her stint in prison trying to play matchmaker for me, going so far as to call one of her finds, "good breeding stock". Apparently, I don't already have enough criminals in my life; last September I was the only member of my family of 5 not locked up. FML

Today, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. We got on the subject of theatre, and his dad brought up "The Book of Mormon", how finally someone was making fun of those "nasty, polygamist, cultist freaks", and if his son ever dated one, he would disown him. I'm Mormon. FML

#20572732
34 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38477) - you deserved it (13251)

On 04/03/2013 at 1:48am - love - by kenabrookee - United States (California)

Today, a customer came up to me and asked if I knew where the make-up aisle was. I pointed him in the right direction but he just gasped and said, "Oh so you DO know where it is!" and walked away, roaring with laughter. FML

#20562040
102 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34025) - you deserved it (3355)

On 03/27/2013 at 3:29am - work - by apparentlytoougly (woman) - United States (California)

Today, it was raining heavily so I wore my black poncho as I walked to work. On the way there I noticed an old and seemingly homeless man following me. I turned around to confront him. He picked up a stick and screamed "Expecto Patronum!" Apparently I look like a dementor. FML

#20558527
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30846) - you deserved it (5838)

On 03/24/2013 at 8:23pm - misc - by Anna L. - United States (Texas)

Today, I finally came out to my family as a lesbian. My grandma then told me I'm just going through a phase because I finally realized I'm not pretty or skinny enough to get a man. FML

#20557644
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38834) - you deserved it (6494)

On 03/24/2013 at 6:20am - misc - by theawesome129 - Canada

Today, my wife finally came home from deployment. Apparently, in the military she really built up some muscle. When she saw me at the airport, she picked me up like a baby and spun me around in her arms a few times. I'm a little scared of her now. FML

#20530533
119 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38863) - you deserved it (9403)

On 03/04/2013 at 2:36am - love - by married to wonder woman (man) - United States (California)



FML's blog

  • FML on vacation #2: In slow-moving hell
  • It was once a dream, now it’s come true. We’re at the place that was allocated months ago for preprogrammed, enforced holiday fun time. We’ve put on some cargo shorts, slipped on some of those…

Wednesday 13 August 2014

The whole blog

FMyLife, world tour

Available on: