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Today, my husband and I were in bed, and just as I was about to finish he screamed, "Oh shit! It's 4:15, my strawberries are gonna whither!!!!" and then jumped off me and went to check on his farm on FarmVille. An imaginary farm, on Facebook. FML
I agree, your life sucks (45433) - you totally deserved it (3401)
On 08/20/2009 at 10:51am - love - by demk (woman) - United States (New York)
Today, there were some wasps getting in my bedroom from a hole in the frame of my window. I went outside with some spray and took out their entrance. What I didnt know is that when you spray wasps, they go the other direction. I now have 60+ wasps flying around my bedroom. FML
I agree, your life sucks (21836) - you totally deserved it (14203)
On 08/17/2009 at 7:40pm - misc - by BearGrillz - United States (Pennsylvania)
Today, I asked my aunt to pluck my eyebrows since hers are perfectly done. What I didn't know is she gets hers professionally shaped and she doesn't know how to shape eyebrows. I now look like a surprised Vulcan. FML
I agree, your life sucks (25677) - you totally deserved it (13403)
On 08/17/2009 at 6:11pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (British Columbia)
Today, my friend told me that semen was inflammable. Later at night I jacked off into a sock and then, excitedly, tried to lit the sock on fire. Turns out, semen is very much not inflammable. Naked, I shook my sock in the air so it would extinguish while my semen splashed out all over my room. FML
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On 06/27/2009 at 12:41am - intimacy - by notinflammable (man) - United States (Rhode Island)
Today, my 10 year old brother caught me masturbating and then said "Oh, so that's how you do it!". He then ran to his room and locked the door. I inadvertently taught my little brother how to masturbate. FML
I agree, your life sucks (14584) - you totally deserved it (38759)
On 04/25/2009 at 12:13am - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Texas)
Today, my mother called me downstairs to give me what I assumed was going to be "The Talk" (About four years too late). So she sits me down, holds my hands, and with the gentlest, most motherly expression on her face tells me, "Honey, if you ever come home pregnant, I'll kill you and the baby." FML
I agree, your life sucks (56574) - you totally deserved it (4370)
On 04/19/2009 at 10:09pm - health - by Litterbox (woman) - United States (Texas)
Today, the girl I have had a crush on for the last 4 months asked me on AIM how to block someone. 30 seconds after I finished explaining how to block someone on iChat, she went offline and I haven't seen her on AIM since. FML
I agree, your life sucks (52149) - you totally deserved it (7644)
On 04/12/2009 at 3:46pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Illinois)
Today, at lunch I was running to my group's table with my friend. She accidentally tripped me, and I slid across the café floor face first on my belly. The whole cafeteria was silent. They then broke out in hysterics when the head janitor ran up to me and yelled 'SAFE!' like a baseball umpire. FML
I agree, your life sucks (43748) - you totally deserved it (6006)
On 04/08/2009 at 9:42pm - misc - by eun (woman) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, I was flirting via text with a coworker. Things started getting heated, and I wanted to send her a sexy picture. I asked if she had any suggestions. She said, "Your nuts!" She meant, "YOU'RE nuts." I sent her a photo of my junk. I offended a co-worker with incriminating evidence. FML
I agree, your life sucks (26456) - you totally deserved it (63831)
On 04/08/2009 at 12:10pm - intimacy - by blizzard_of_77 (man) - United States (California)
Today, I feared my mother had seen the bottle of hand lotion i forgot to take off the computer desk after i masturbated last night, but she acted fine. I went out with friends to find she had changed the backgroud to say "Please Do Not Watch Porn on the Family Computer." FML
I agree, your life sucks (5666) - you totally deserved it (39626)
On 04/08/2009 at 12:34am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States
Today, I realized my friends and I should be more careful what we say around my younger brother. I never thought he was paying attention until today. My stepmom told him it was time to go to bed. He responded, "I think it's time for you to suck one." My brother is 4. FML
I agree, your life sucks (8964) - you totally deserved it (47103)
On 03/26/2009 at 12:42am - misc - by Alex (man) - United States (Georgia)
Today, my child says "Mommy. Sometimes my peepee goes up like a stick." I say "Well, honey, that's normal and ok." Then I ask when it does that. And he says "Well, sometimes when watching Scooby Doo and Shaggy comes out dressed in lady clothes..." FML
I agree, your life sucks (92202) - you totally deserved it (7396)
On 03/20/2009 at 12:15am - kids - by ScoobieDoo (woman) - United States (Washington)
Today, I got out of the shower and my 3 year old sister comes into the bathroom and says "I want big boobies like yours when I grow up." And from the other room I hear my dad go "Sweetie, you've already got bigger boobs than your sister." FML
I agree, your life sucks (70287) - you totally deserved it (3094)
On 03/15/2009 at 11:47am - misc - by Alexa23 (woman) - United States (Minnesota)
Today, I was teaching a swimming lesson to 6-7 year old boys and girls. I recently broke up with my boyfriend so I haven't been taking care of my bikini line. While I was demonstrating how to do a whip-kick out of the water one of the boys said, "You have a beard coming out of your bathing suit!" FML
I agree, your life sucks (28060) - you totally deserved it (44184)
On 03/14/2009 at 10:27pm - kids - by superfkd (woman) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, my family and I were at a restaurant. We're Swedish and love talking about people in our language because no one ever understands here. I decided to comment about how ugly the girl at the next table was. She turned around and goes "Dra åt helvete." That's Swedish for "Go to hell." FML
I agree, your life sucks (7026) - you totally deserved it (116208)
On 03/14/2009 at 9:30pm - misc - by SwedishBozo (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)
