i am amazingly awesome.
Today, I dropped my 400 dollar cell phone on the floor by mistake and it shattered into a million pieces. A woman passing by looked at the phone and said, "Now that's what you call a dropped call!" and laughed. FML
I agree, your life sucks (20520) - you totally deserved it (9834)
On 11/04/2009 at 5:37pm - misc - by Cellismasher (woman) - United States (New York)
Today, my cat managed to lock my dad and me outside of our house. FML
I agree, your life sucks (18259) - you totally deserved it (3776)
On 10/21/2009 at 10:58pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)
Today I was on a date with a guy having a great time. I went up to go to the ladies' room, but as I walked back to the table, I heard some giggles. I looked and found out why. My skirt was tucked into my underwear. I was wearing my lucky Star Wars-themed panties. FML
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On 10/03/2009 at 2:41pm - love - by diva467 (woman) - United States (New York)
Today, I told my daughter how her eyes look exactly as pretty as my wife's. She told me that she loved the way my eyeballs stick out of my face, just like Elmo. FML
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On 10/03/2009 at 8:33am - kids - by dessaye (man) - Singapore
Today, I found out that if you don't clean the inside of your sonicare toothbrush, it can grow masses of fungus. I've been brushing my teeth with a vibrating mushroom for the past 5 months. FML
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On 10/01/2009 at 5:57pm - misc - by mushroommouth (woman) - United States (New Jersey)
Today, while I was getting it on with my girlfriend I accidently called out "Mom" instead of her name. FML
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On 10/01/2009 at 1:56am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (Newfoundland and Labrador)
Today, I was sitting on a park bench with my very elderly grandfather while listening to music at a low volume. Suddenly, he turned to me and said very loudly, " I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD AIDS!" I received strange looks from everyone that day because he mistook my ear buds for a hearing aid. FML
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On 09/09/2009 at 4:16pm - health - by Missy (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)
Today, I realized I can hold a pencil in my fat rolls. FML
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On 08/30/2009 at 3:12am - health - by tomchuq (man) - United States (Alabama)
Today, I posted a status update on Facebook about how much I liked the Season Finale of NBC's "Heroes". My hand slipped to the right and it came out as "I really love Herpes. It's much better than everyone says it is". I didn't notice for few hours. FML
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On 08/24/2009 at 12:28am - misc - by NotThatKind (man) - United States (New York)
Today, as a supervisor at a water park, several clients came up to me and complained about a topless girl in our wave pool. I found the girl, called her out, and politely told her that she was not allowed in the pool without a top. "She" was a fat 15 year old boy. FML
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On 08/12/2009 at 4:13pm - misc - by auslander (man) - Switzerland (Zurich)
Today, I was listening to music while my grandma and mom were in the same room. I only had one headphone in. My mom, thinking I had both in, started telling my grandma how much of a "little bitch" I am. My grandma went on to say, "She's also a slut." FML
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On 08/07/2009 at 8:43pm - misc - by Momlovesme (woman) - United States (Colorado)
Today, I had to call poison control because my idiot son swallowed a bunch of baking soda to "make a volcano in his tummy." FML
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On 08/06/2009 at 2:13am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Australia (Victoria)
Today, in the midst of foreplay, this girl tells me I am so hot, I respond "Ditto." She heatedly responds "I love ditto," to which I suavely reply "I didn't know you were into Pokemon. That may make you even sexier." She knows nothing about Pokemon, but I sure know how to kill the mood. FML
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On 07/23/2009 at 2:42am - intimacy - by MitchFail (man) - United States
Today, I went to my 7 year old son's school for a conference with his teacher. When I got there, the teacher said "she adored me for who and what I am". I was puzzled. Turns out my son told his class that I am a "lesbian American." Wrong. I'm Lebanese-American. FML
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On 06/30/2009 at 12:17pm - kids - by lebanesewoman (woman) - Hong Kong
Today, my five year old daughter was watching cartoons on TV. Then a Barbie commercial came on. My daughter sang along with the theme song "Be who you want to be, B-A-R-B-I-E." She then turned to me and said "Mom, I want to be a hooker." FML
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On 06/23/2009 at 1:56pm - kids - by ....... (woman) - United States (Colorado)
