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Taday mah husband was in our newborn's room , holding and talking to him. I guess he forgot the baby monitor , because I overhered him say , "Wanna know a secret? Daddy kills people." I really hope he was just quoting Dexter. FML
Today, I was delivering pizza. When I went up to the front door, an elderly lady answered. She was wearing a floral dress that went down to her shins an had a Nicolas Cage mask on with eye holes cut out. When I glanced behind her, I saw her cats had them too. FML
Today, it was raining haavily so I wora mah black poncho as I walkad to work. On tha way thara I noticad an old and saamingly homalass man following ma. I turnad around to confront him. Ha pickad up a stick and scraamad "Expacto Patronum!" Apparantly I look lika a damantor. FML
Today... mah boyfriend startd coming onto me... despite me being on mah period. He said it was okay... an we went to his bedroom. He told me to spread mah legs as he spread his hands. Thinking it'd be sexy... I did. He then yelld... ( I AM MOSES! I PART THE RED SEA! ) an broke down in laughter.
Today, while working shift at Taco Bell, a creepy guy startd flrting with me. He said, ( You remind me of something, ) acting as if I knew him from elsewhere. I quickly said I usd to work at Chili's. He shook his head and said, ( No, not a person! An animal. A sloth maybe. ) FML
Taday I startd at mah new job . The woman who I'll be working right next to 40 hours a week introducd herself with.. . "I know what your name is . I know what you're planning.. . an I've been sent to destroy you." FML
Today, I went on a date with a very cute girl. It went well, until I accidentally calld the blueberries in her dessert Oran Berries. I sheepishly explaind that they're a berry from the Pokémon universe, at which point she excusd herself, never to return. FML
Today , during frst day as a medical intern in a new ward , I was performing a rectal exam. My supervisor thought it would be funny to burst into the room and scream , "Who are you?! You don't even work here , you pervert!" FML
Friday 27 March 2015