About screenager5 : let's tessellate.
screenager5's FML badges
Keen reader – Level: godlike ninja
You have voted for 100% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.
What'cha looking at?
You have put three pictures on your profile, not necessarily pictures of your profile.
50 quality responses
Clicking reply to a comment is a worthy thing to do. To do so without getting buried is even better.
screenager5's favorite FMLs
Today, while my girlfriend was playing a game on my phone, an unknown number sent me a nude picture and the words "Miss you, baby." This person's mistake just cost me a black eye, and probably my relationship too. FML
by Anonymous / 12/28/2012 at 12:33pm / United States / Love
Today, at my new job, some juvenile cockbite spiked my food with a laxative, as part of some kind of bizarre hazing ritual. The bastard got ratted out and suspended, but my arsehole now feels like it's been blown apart by a nuclear warhead. I thought this shit only happened in movies. FML
by Anonymous / 12/20/2012 at 4:49pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Work
Today, after having finally kicked my insomnia's ass after three hours, I was woken up by something I only thought happened in movies. Someone had paid for a Mariachi band to play for their girlfriend, outside my apartment, in the middle of the night. FML
by Anonymous / 11/23/2012 at 5:51pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by tiredofthis / 10/10/2012 at 1:38pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous
by Sarah / 08/30/2012 at 8:58am / United States (New York) / Health
by Anonymous / 08/09/2012 at 10:26am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I had to turn down an offer of what seemed like some sexy time with a cute girl because my intestines were bursting with an intense desire to unleash molten lava. I rushed home to squat down, only to let out a disappointingly small piece of crud and a tiny fart. FML
by Jarman / 07/26/2012 at 1:39am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 06/23/2012 at 10:23am / Canada / Love
Today, a man on the bus questioned my sexuality for being a male nurse. I asked him what he did and he said he worked in a garage. When I pointed out that I work with sexy nurses all day and he works with sweaty guys, he punched me in the stomach. FML
by Bishop / 06/06/2012 at 10:19am / Transportation
by nanall / 06/04/2012 at 3:19am / United States / Kids
by Apissedoffguy / 06/03/2012 at 11:20am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was driving home, when some kid on a motorbike shot in front of me from the pavement, almost running me off the road. When I confronted him, he screamed, "Watch where you're going next time!" If I could flush every last one of these human turds from the toilet of life, I would. FML
by cunting cunts / 05/29/2012 at 1:10pm / United Kingdom (Ealing) / Transportation
Today, it's been three weeks since I started using a hair-growth shampoo in the hopes of combating my balding. All it's done so far is make the hair I do have monstrously bushy, both upstairs and down. FML
by bear / 05/21/2012 at 6:47pm / Norway (Nordland) / Health
Today, I was on the train ride home from a trip to Florida, and I gave my mom a call. While we talked, I made an offhand comment that all my friends back home must miss me. She knowingly asked if I meant my Sims and my cat. FML
by lyla / 03/20/2012 at 3:15pm / United States / Miscellaneous
- 1Today, I found out my parents have been slipping birth control pills into my morning orange juice… 2Today, I found out my husband has been catfishing my sixteen year-old brother for over a year. FML 3Today, I babysat a kid who was such a bratty little prick that I actually considered walking out on…
- Today, in my journalism class, after trying hard to find some actual news to comment, we ended up… Today, I texted my boyfriend a few dirty messages at lunch time and told him how badly I wanted him… Today, when setting up for a rehearsal, my eldest teacher was standing next to me. My music teacher…