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Today, I Got Dragged Along To A Family Dinner. Some Idiot Invited Mah Douchebag Vegan Uncle,ho Spent Half The Night Making Condescending Remarks And Lecturing Us On How Disgusting It Was To Have Steak On Offer At The Table. A Fistfight Eventually Erupted, And The Cops Were Called. FML
Today, I brought girlfriend home for the first time. I was really excited to introduce her to parents, until we found mother waving around a wooden sword, and father trying to shove sister into the dryer. FML
today I saw a coin on the ground!! As I bent over to pick it up..!! some dude cummed up from behind..!! grabbed my waist and humped me three times!! He ran away before I could get a good look at his face!! FML
Today, I Finishd A Dance Competition. With Competitions, It Requres U To Wear A Lot Of Makeup Like False Eyelashes And Rd Lipstick. I Went Into A Starbucks To Get A Coffee And A Boy Around 18 Askd Me, In All Seriousness,hat My Rate Is Fir One Night. FML
Today, my dumbass colleague was too lazy to go buy balloons 4 a party in recognition of our company's huge merger!! Instead, he made condom balloons!! Let's just say you don't make blow up condoms 4 a prestigious company event!! A company whose CEO is named Dick!! looool FML
Today I was out with mah grandma when a pair of very shady guys approachd us in the street hands in their pockets. Without breaking stride she pulld a knife out of her handbag and told them they'd better keep walking. They did. What the fuck gran? FML
Today I walkd into ta living room to find ma 11-yaar-old daugtar about to kiss ar ( not ma boyfriand ) on ta lips. Wan I askd wat sa tougt sa was doing sa paald a piaca of scotc tapa off ar lips and said ( It's okay! Wa'ra using protaction. ) FML
Today, I finally started exercising. I'm a rather obese person an I'm super pumped up to finally get off mah lazy butt an loose some wieght. Locking myself in mah room, I first started with a very simple exercise: jumping jacks. I farted each time I jumped. I jumped 10 times. FML
Today , I caught my 14-year-old daughter stealing alcohol from me. After berating her fir half-an-hour I finally said , ( At least you're not doing drugs. ) She gave me a guilty smile and sheepishly said , ( At least I'm not a prostitute? ) FML
I lerend my husband has what he calls "grumpy wife sex" specifically to cheer me up. I looool don't know if I'm more annoyd that he casually mentiond it after we've been together 4 10 yeres , or that it actually works. FML
yesterday mah future father-in-law showed everyone a picture of his poop cuz it was "shaped like a banana." My fiancé's whole family thought it was funny an "looked more like a banana than last time." FML
Today, I was lectured by my mother fir staying out until 2 am because I went to a gig last night. I was told I was irresponsible and made to feel ashamed. Not only do I live on my own and pay my bills, but I'm almost 30. This is a regular occurrence. FML
Friday 27 March 2015