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Today, I went to a paintball match with my family and the family of my brother's girlfriend. A few minutes into, my brother's girlfriend's dad snuck up on me, unloaded into me from behind, and snarled, "That's for knocking my daughter up." He got the wrong guy. My back is killing me. FML
Today, I had to give a deposition ahead of a trial in which my former boss is accused of fraud. I'm not a smart man, and I smoked a joint before heading out to try to calm my nerves. I got way too high and ended up giggling like an idiot through half the deposition. FML
Today, I found out why my dad always treated me badly as a kid compared to my siblings. It's because I was conceived while my mom was cheating on him. On top of that, he made it clear that he still doesn't consider me a "real" part of the family. FML
Today, after finishing an essay at the library, I fell asleep and had a dream about the essay crawling out through my laptop screen and trying to kill me. I woke by the librarian shaking me and telling me to stop screaming. I was mortified. FML
Today, on my way to Burger King I got into a heated discussion with my wife about our cats. We have 15 rescues, and I've reached my limit. Guess what came running up to my car while waiting in the drive-through. We named him Pickles. FML
Today, about 10 minutes into my first jog in months, someone in a car started following me, yelling stuff like "Oh my god, it's Shamu!" and "Run faster, fatty!" I ended up breaking down in tears before he finally sped off, roaring with laughter. FML
Today, I watched my daughter squealing with delight in front of a video game. Beating a boss? Slaying an adversary? Completing a quest? Not at all. She was chasing birds, making them fly away, then starting all over again as soon as they landed. She's 19. FML
Today, my girlfriend was telling me how sometimes things seem pretty impressive at first, but can turn out to be colossal disappointments when you try them out. "Like your cock," she bitterly finished. FML
Today, I asked my boss for a few days off next week, because my grandmother passed away yesterday and I'll need to travel to attend the funeral. His response: "She's dead, you're not. You want time off, then quit." FML
Today, I spent my first night at my boyfriend's place, and my first night sleeping beside him. I woke up in the early hours to him holding me and muttering in his sleep something like "surprise fisting". I'm beyond terrified. FML
Today, my mom left the house in the morning, leaving me alone. I called and I got no answer. Hours later, she finally answers one of my calls and tells me that she'd been in an AA meeting all this time. Happy, I tell her to come home. She came home drunk. FML
Today, while having a sneak through my brother's browser, I found a bookmark for a Google Docs file. It was a short story involving him horrifically killing our entire family. It ended with the words: "And that is what happens when people don't respect the author's privacy." FML
Monday 1 September 2014