I'm a 24-year-old married system administrator / programmer.
A mite on the abnormal side, maybe.
Today, I was having a really bad day and told my friend at lunch about how stressed I was and he gave me his brownie to cheer me up. After school, he texted me "Did the brownies kick in?" Yes, they did, right in the middle of my English presentation. They were "funny" brownies. FML
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On 09/10/2009 at 5:34pm - misc - by englishclasshigh (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)
Today I was driving in the left lane and was suddenly hit by a woman who was in the right lane. It ran me off the road, I took out a fence and totaled my car. When the cops asked the woman what happened she responded.."my tom-tom told me to turn left." FML
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On 09/10/2009 at 12:36pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Montana)
Today I was arguing with my dad. I called him a geriatric fool. He replied with "Well at least I know who my biological father is." I have no idea if he's joking. FML
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On 09/07/2009 at 3:19pm - kids - by Waheyyy (man) - United Kingdom
Today, I was getting changed in front of my room mate of two years. Feeling comfortable, I took off all my clothes and started putting new clothes on. I asked why she wasn't taking her eyes off my naked body. She said "I'm loving the view. Didn't you know I'm a lesbian?" FML
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On 09/07/2009 at 12:04am - misc - by EyesOffMe (woman) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, I was visiting my girlfriend's house to meet her parents. We were having a nice conversation and her mom then asked "What have you done recently that was great?" I replied without thinking "Your daughter." FML
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On 09/03/2009 at 11:38am - love - by butshewasgreat (man) - United States (North Carolina)
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend getting it on with the neighbour's daughter. As soon as he saw me, he started singing 'It Wasn't Me' by Shaggy, completely naked, still sitting with the girl. FML
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On 08/30/2009 at 5:26pm - love - by shaggy (woman) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, as I arrived at my house after a two week holiday, I opened the door and heard footsteps upstairs, I went up and found my boyfriend naked in bed. We had great sex and afterwards I found my best friend naked in the wardrobe. Turns out they'd had great sex also. FML
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On 08/28/2009 at 7:43am - intimacy - by Phoellie (woman) - United Kingdom (London)
Today, my five year old daughter told me that while I'm at work, daddy has his wrestling buddy Melinda over. She also said that they wrestle on the bed so that they won't get hurt. FML
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On 08/27/2009 at 7:57pm - love - by abercrombieef (woman) - United States (California)
Today, my boyfriend and his parents met my family. My grandpa thought it would be funny to walk around with a realistic gun and make references about being in the mafia. The rest of my family went along with it. FML
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On 08/24/2009 at 11:35am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Massachusetts)
Today, a friend jokingly asked who in my relationship wears the pants. My girlfriend replied, "I'm not sure, but I've got photos to prove I don't wear the skirt." FML
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On 08/23/2009 at 2:54am - love - by Crossy (man) - Australia (New South Wales)
Today, while eating at a restaurant, I commented to the waiter about how large the pizza was. He then writes down his number, pats his crotch fondly, and informs me that "everything" I'm going to find at that restaurant is going to be big. He was serious. FML
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On 08/06/2009 at 11:05am - misc - by Screwupify (woman) - United States (Florida)
Today, while I was walking downtown a homeless person asked me for a dollar. I thought it would be funny to wave the dollar in his face and taunt him. I guess he thought it would be funny to stab me in the leg with a pencil. FML
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On 08/06/2009 at 9:35am - misc - by who_could_it_be - Canada (Ontario)
Today, I borrowed my dad's laptop to type an essay. While I was saving it, I noticed some curious looking files and I opened them. They were rejection letters from all the colleges I had applied to. My dad had been forging them so he wouldn't have to pay for my tuition bills. FML
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On 08/05/2009 at 8:47pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New York)
Today, I was opening and sorting mail for my boss as part of my job. One package was delivered to the office instead of his home by mistake, since his house is next door on the same property. I didn't notice until I had opened it. I had to hand my boss an opened box of toys. Kinky ones. FML
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On 08/05/2009 at 3:36pm - work - by TMI (woman) - United States (Texas)
Today, I was pulled over for speeding. The cop was hot so I flirted with him as much as I could. But when he came back to the car he still gave me a ticket. Feeling desperate I said, "I thought you didn't give tickets to pretty girls", his response, "We don't". FML
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On 07/31/2009 at 9:51am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Utah)
