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Today, my 250 lb ex-Marine dad announced he was going to start randomly punching me in the crotch, without warning, to "improve my reflexes." FML
I agree, your life sucks (43898) - you totally deserved it (2952)
On 08/02/2009 at 6:45pm - health - by theregoesmyspermcount (man) - United States (Texas)
Today, I was at the store with my mother in the facial care section. I found this device that scrubs your face with those anti-bacterial pads. The aisle was crowded and noisy, so I shouted to my mother, "Can I have this vibrator thing?" It went silent. FML
I agree, your life sucks (9915) - you totally deserved it (30203)
On 07/29/2009 at 3:23am - misc - by Nikse (woman) - United States (California)
Today, after a long stressful day, my boyfriend and I decided to take a shower together. As I'm telling him all about my day, I suddenly felt something warm on my foot, only to look down and see him peeing on me. When I asked what he was doing he said "I'm marking my territory, you're mine now." FML
I agree, your life sucks (48014) - you totally deserved it (8957)
On 07/24/2009 at 3:34am - love - by Surprise (woman) - United States (California)
Today, I was standing by the bed naked, waiting for my wife to come out of the bathroom. She opens the door and walks over to me, swinging her hips, wearing pratically nothing. About four feet from me, she trips on the edge of the floor mat, and uses my 'junk' to catch herself. FML
I agree, your life sucks (55896) - you totally deserved it (3556)
On 07/22/2009 at 10:12am - intimacy - by Gordon (man) - United States (Kansas)
Today, I went on a rollercoaster for the first time. I sat in the back, which was a bad idea. When it ended everyone in front of me turned around and stared. When I asked my friend what was going on, she said I had been screaming the Lord's Prayer the whole time. I hadn't even noticed. FML
I agree, your life sucks (23822) - you totally deserved it (16227)
On 07/20/2009 at 4:05pm - misc - by whyme_ss - United States (Massachusetts)
Today, I was at Target with my mom and we finished purchasing our items. We had gotten a fan so I said,"This thing is too big to fit in." First thing my mom yells? "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" and starts laughing hysterically in front of the entire store. FML
I agree, your life sucks (33617) - you totally deserved it (7435)
On 07/12/2009 at 2:25pm - misc - by embarrassed (man) - United States (North Carolina)
Today, it was my wedding day. I had my butt clenched during the ceremony. I was giving my husband the ring, but dropped it. When I went to retrieve it, I let a huge one ripe. My husband yelled "she likes to eat beans." FML
I agree, your life sucks (40256) - you totally deserved it (6095)
On 07/11/2009 at 12:41pm - misc - by 1234 (woman) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, I was taking a shower and I saw a new body wash that said "radiance ribbons." That sounded a little effeminate, but it smelled manly enough and the only alternative was normal soap, so I used it. Just now, I stepped out into the sun and found out what "radiance ribbons" means. I sparkle. FML
I agree, your life sucks (32531) - you totally deserved it (14581)
On 07/10/2009 at 1:03pm - misc - by takinabreak (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)
Today, while on a run, I thought I'd run into a flock of geese in a field. Doing so, I learned that when you do this alone, the birds don't fly away, they attack. FML
I agree, your life sucks (7248) - you totally deserved it (37453)
On 07/04/2009 at 5:56pm - misc - by SwordFish8 (man) - United States (Illinois)
Today, my dad woke me up by shaking me and saying "If you're not up in two minutes, I'm lighting a firecracker in your room." Thinking he wouldn't possibly set off a firecracker in the house, much less my room, I decided to call his bluff. My room still smells like gunpowder. FML
I agree, your life sucks (12763) - you totally deserved it (23165)
On 07/04/2009 at 1:31pm - misc - by Singed (woman) - United States (Florida)
Today, I woke up finding myself violently humping my pillow. My mom recorded it. FML
I agree, your life sucks (46338) - you totally deserved it (7690)
On 07/04/2009 at 4:58am - intimacy - by R_U_CEREAL (man) - United States (Oregon)
Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. I opened my eyes to see his eyes fixed on something else. I turned my head to see what was so interesting. He was on his iPhone looking up recipes for things to wrap in bacon. FML
I agree, your life sucks (38267) - you totally deserved it (3847)
On 06/27/2009 at 10:29am - love - by a_B_c_D_e_F_g (woman) - United States (Michigan)
Today, a man came up to me at the bus stop. He went into this long story about how his girlfriend is pregnant and they both haven't eaten in days. Trying to be tough and funny I said back, "sounds like you should invest in condoms instead of food." He responded by beating and robbing me. FML
I agree, your life sucks (13719) - you totally deserved it (51597)
On 06/12/2009 at 4:45pm - money - by beatenbyabum (man) - United States (Georgia)
Today, I called my girlfriend to ask her to the movies. She declined and said she was sick and was going to sleep. Wanting to see the movie, I invited my mom and we went. My mom then pointed out my "sick" girlfriend making out with a guy. My mom threw a full bag of popcorn at her. FML
I agree, your life sucks (82180) - you totally deserved it (2695)
On 06/07/2009 at 1:35am - love - by Reject3d (man) - United States (California)
Today, when petting my friend's dog, I acted like I was going to make out with him. While I wasn't looking the dog stuck his entire tongue in my mouth. FML
I agree, your life sucks (6401) - you totally deserved it (50043)
On 06/06/2009 at 3:44pm - health - by thedogkisser (man) - United States (Texas)
