I live and work in CA
Today, I went to TGI Friday's with my crush. At the end of our meal, the waitress gave us mints with the bill. He said something that made me laugh, and I began choking on my mint. After a few coughs, I finally managed to get it out. It hit him in the forehead and landed in his drink. FML
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On 07/16/2009 at 8:05pm - love - by CityGirl (woman) - United States (Alaska)
Today, my mother woke me up by saying "Good morning my sexually aggressive daughter. We're going to have an extremely uncomfortable conversation today." Our awkward talk consisted of her telling me that I'm a tease and am going to get raped. Why? She caught me making out with my boyfriend. FML
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On 07/01/2009 at 3:33pm - intimacy - by wildthing (woman) - United States (Florida)
Today, my husband called me from work just to chat. He asked what I had been up to today. I was feeling frisky so I told him all about how I had gotten horny, watched a porno and masturbated earlier. It wasn't until I heard the hoots and laughter that I realized he had me on speakerphone. FML
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On 06/15/2009 at 7:18pm - intimacy - by kitkat545 (woman) - United States (Maryland)
Today, I finally got a chance to try out my vibrator. I've never orgasmed before with a guy, so I thought there was no hope until my friend gave me the vibrator for my birthday. It was going amazing, better than sex. I was literally 2 seconds away from climaxing when the battery suddenly died. FML
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On 06/15/2009 at 7:23am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)
Today, my mom accused me of having an eating disorder, and I didn't correct her. Truth is, I lost weight after I went off the pill a year ago. I'm too embarrassed to tell my mom that I haven't had anyone in a year. FML
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On 06/14/2009 at 10:35pm - health - by LP (woman) - United States (Maryland)
Today, I was vacuuming my car and started to joke around with my six year old brother by sucking up his shirt and hair with the vacuum. I accidently sucked up his penis. My mom has caught him three times with the vacuum now. I turned my brother into a pervert. FML
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On 06/11/2009 at 12:12am - kids - by Perv (woman) - United States (Tennessee)
Today, I discovered my boyfriend of 5 months runs a website where men can submit nude or semi nude pictures of their ex's for revenge. FML
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On 06/06/2009 at 12:01pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Arizona)
Today, my girlfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex. Over breakfast, she said it was the most intense, primal and mind-blowing sexual experience she ever had. Problem is, I don't remember a damned thing. FML
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On 06/04/2009 at 4:10pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Virginia)
Today, while taking a drug test for a volunteer job, I found out that I have a "shy bladder". It took me ages to pee into a cup. I was congratulated and clapped for by complete strangers when I finally left for taking a piss. FML
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On 06/03/2009 at 4:06pm - work - by peeepeee. - United States (Ohio)
Today, I was buying an expensive pillow for my mother from a store clerk who wouldn't stop staring at my boobs. After paying, I saw an elderly lady who had dropped a bag, so I walked to help. I walked back to the clerk, who refused to believe I paid. The reason? He didn't recognize my face. FML
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On 06/03/2009 at 3:39pm - misc - by doubleds (woman) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, I had to rub my turtle's anus with a wet Q-tip, which is supposed to help with his constipation. I think he liked it. FML
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On 06/02/2009 at 3:07am - misc - by haniii (woman) - United States (California)
Today, I moved out of my apartment and thought it would be nice to leave the roll of toilet paper in the bathroom for the next tenant. I later got a notice from the management that I was being charged $50 for leaving behind "personal items." FML
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On 05/29/2009 at 9:59am - money - by alynn (woman) - United States (Florida)
Today, I seemingly misplaced my cell phone but didn't have time to look for it before work. This evening, my cell phone company calls me to tell me I have six hundred dollars worth of calls to El Salvador that I have to pay for. My cell phone was not misplaced, it was stolen. FML
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On 05/28/2009 at 8:13pm - money - by xxteenhearts (woman) - United States (Texas)
Today, it was my friend's birthday. She's been having problems with most of her friends besides me lately, so I wanted to do something special. I brought her a cake. Me and her were the only ones to have any. It gave us both food poisoning. FML
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On 05/28/2009 at 5:43pm - health - by HappyBirthday (woman) - United States
Today, my cell phone service was interrupted because I owed the company 27 cents. It cost 36 dollars to reinstate my service. FML
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On 05/28/2009 at 2:17pm - money - by Princess (woman) - United States (New York)
