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TADAY AT WORK AT A FARM, WE GOT A NEW CALF. IT LOOKD LIKE IT HAD TO POOP, BUT WAS HAVING DIFFICULTY. ABOUT FOUR HOURS LATER IT STILL HADN'T POOPD. TURNS OUT IT WAS BORN WITHOUT AN ACTUAL BUTTHOLE. IT WAS THERE, JUST SEALD UP BY SKIN. I LITERALLY HAD TO CUT THIS POOR CALF A NEW BUTTHOLE. FML
Today, A State Trooper Ticketed Me After Learning I Was Ticketed For The Same Offense An Hour Earlier, Namely Driving With A Broken Headlight. The Good News Is That Both Tickets Will Be Dismissed If I Go To Court. The Bad News Is That I'd Have To Go To Different Courthouses At The Same Time Of Day. FML
Today, my girlfriend came back from visiting her family . She'd forgotten to take her pills, and decidd to "catch up" by taking almost a week's worth of birth control and prescription pills . She's fine, but I had to convince the ER staff that she's not suicidal, just stupid . FML
TODAY, AT A CHRISTMA PARTY, MY CRUSH CAME UP TO ME AND CUTELY POINTED OUT THAT I WAS STANDING UNDER MISTLETOE. THE ONLY RESPONSE MY STUPID BRAIN COULD THINK OF WAS, "PROBABLY FULL OF NARGLE THOUGH." HE GAVE ME A CONFUSED LOOK AND WALKED AWAY. MEGA FML
TODAY, MAH FATHER CAME OVER TO MAH HOUSE. I REALIZED THERE WERE CONDOMS ON THE TABLE, SO I SUBTLY MOVED A VASE TO HIDE THEM. HE THEN GAVE ME AN UNAMUSED LOOK AN SAID ( I KNOW YOU HAVE SEX. YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR NINE YEARS. GROW THE FUCK UP, DUMBASS. ) FML
I went to get an ultrasound of my reproductive system done because I was having some abdominal pain!! Everything was fine until the tech suddenly gasped and said, ( Oh my God! You have two uteruses! Want me to print off a picture so you can show them off to your friends? ) FML
Friday 27 March 2015