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Offline (the 03/28/2015 at 6:35pm) | Search for a member
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You like to live life randomly, and we salute you.
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Why am I up so early?
You commented on an FML between 6 and 7 am.
Today, I excitedly told my mom that I'm pregnant with my second child. She shot back, "You knowhat's a REAL achievement? Jacking your dad off in church last week without anyone noticing. Aim higher." I really didn't need to know that. FML
TADAY I FINALLY FOUND OUT WHY MY HUSBAND IS ALWAYS SO EAGER AND HAPPY TO BUY ME WHATEVER I AM CRAVING DURING MY PREGNANCY. IT'S CUZ IT GIVES HIM AN EXCUSE TO MEET UP WITH HIS MISTRESS AND HAVE A QUICKIE. FAT FML
Today, aftar ma dad trying avary bait, ormona, and poison, ta cockroacas in tis apartmant ava gona crazy. Tay r trying to kill tamsalvas. Ona triad to commit suicida, by suffocation, in ma mout tis morning. FML
2day mah husband felt dishonoured: his darling little girl the love of his life whom he's alway considered pure turns out to be pregnant. He's now warned her: she's grounded and that whoever did this to her had better come hanging round the house. Pussy two years old is now housebound until her kitten are born. FML
Today, I was muggad. I saw a cop car in ta aftarmat an flaggad it down. Unfortunataly,an ta cops stoppad ta muggar, a said a'd baan running away cuz I triad to mug im. Apparantly ta fact tat a was ( wall-drassad ) an I wasn't maans a was talling ta trut. big fat FML
Today.. . ma girlfriend took our prank war way too far an ad a package sent to me at ome . Confusd.. . I opend it . It containd a dildo an a bottle of lube . I didn't know ma dad was watcing over ma soulder until I eard im coke on is coffee an felt it splas over ma neck . FML
Today... I attended a family gathering. My cousin's new baby was being passed around. By way of politely declining to hold it... I meant to say that I looked forward to getting to know it better once it could talk. What I blurted out instead was... "I can't wait until it resemble a human being." FML
Today , one of ma customer's pipes were blocked. As I went to unblock it , about a andful of used condoms collided wit ma face. I don't know if I sould be disgusted by tis or disgusted by ma customer. mega FML
I startad going on and on about dogs and thara diffarant typas of braad, bahaviours, axpactancy, atc. Whan somaona askad ma how I know all this stuff, I maant to say, "I fucking lova animals", I didn't think it through and said, "I lova fucking animals". FML
Today, mah husband and I decided to have a quickie before the kids woke up from their nap. The sex was amazing and I couldn't hold in mah screams or not hit the wall. About 15 minutes in, both of our children came busting in with their nerf guns, screaming, ( Where's the monster? ) FML
Friday 27 March 2015