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The Thumb strikes back
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Hard at Work
Voting on an FML from the Work category on a Monday between 8 and 9am, how ironic.
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Today, I slept in late and when I woke up, thought I was the only one in the house so I decided to walk around the corner to the only upstairs bathroom naked. My dad also slept in, also thought he was the only one in the house, and also decided to walk to the bathroom naked. We collided. FML
Today, my mom drove me to football practice. On the way she told me that she thought I was gay and that my friend was my lover. After 15 agonizing minutes of this, we get to my practice only to be greeted by my shirtless friend wearing a pink bandana saying "Man, you hit me hard last night." FML
Today, I saw my girlfriend going into my best friend's dorm room and suspected her to cheat on me so I placed a camera in his room to spy on them. In the end, I discovered that my girlfriend has problems in math and both my best friend and brother are gay. FML
Today, my friends had ditched me for a party I hadn't been invited to so I was sitting home alone. The only other thing in my house was the mosquito I nicknamed Fred. I liked to watch Fred fly around and try to suck my blood. 20 minutes later, I found Fred's dead body. I was actually sad. FML
Today, I brought my lunch to work in the only box I had lying around my apartment - a small one from FedEx. When I went to the bathroom before lunch, I returned to my desk to find that one of my coworkers had mailed my lunch back to my apartment. FML
Today, I said to our pool-boy, "I know what you're doing, and you have to stop it." He started shouting that I had no right to tell them what to do and that they were in love. He was referring to his relationship with my eldest son. I wanted to tell him to stop drinking my beers. FML
Today, at the airport, my mom began talking about how useless the war in Iraq was, and how dumb the soldiers that serve there were for enlisting during the war. The soldier at the vending machine near us caught my eye. I mouthed, "Sorry" and he mouthed, slowly, "You fuckin' better be." FML
Today, I went out to dinner with my brother. There was a very attractive man sitting a few tables away who kept glancing at me. When my brother excused himself to the bathroom, the man worked up the courage to come over and introduce himself to me. He asked me if my brother was single. FML
Today, my daughter finally walked down the aisle with a man she loves very much. While I was escorting her, I managed to trip and fall down revealing what I've been trying to hide all of this time: my shiny gleaming bald head that showed when my wig fell off. FML
Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML
Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of 2 years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML
Today, my alarm went off. I reached to swat it, missed, slipped, smacked my face on my dresser, and fell on the floor. As I picked myself up off the floor, I hit my head on the open top drawer of my other dresser. In 30 seconds of consciousness, I was attacked by two pieces of furniture. FML
Friday 21 November 2014