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Today, and every other night since my new neighbors moved in two weeks ago, their cat has been standing outside my house meowing constantly up at my window, where my cat keeps standing and meowing back. It's like a feline version of Romeo and Juliet, and I can't sleep. FML
Today, I was at a basketball game. Sitting in the bleachers, I looked over at my friend and said, "Number 33 has a really cute butt." The man in front of us turned around, looked me dead in the eye, and said, "Thanks." Number 33's dad was a very proud father. FML
Today, like every other day for many years, I have a phobia of bananas. This evening, the phobia came to a head when I had a nightmare in which I was stabbed to death by a gang of walking bananas. FML
Today, I watched my father attempt to light a cigar with the stove and end up burning off some hair and eyebrows. He tried to play it cool, said, "Haircuts are too expensive these days anyway." and walked out, his head smoking. This man is a college professor. FML
Today, I took an extra xanax to help with my anxiety, then went to sleep. I guess it was probably too much, because I woke up a few hours later, freaking out and panicking because I was convinced I was a bee trapped in a human body. FML
Today, I woke up to a loud crashing in the middle of the night. I went to investigate, but found nothing amiss. Nothing except an axe firmly wedged in my front door, that is. It's safe to say that I have no clue who did it, and that I needed a fresh pair of underwear. FML
Today, my boyfriend let me be the first one to read the novel he dropped out of college to write. Turns out it's titled "A Brief History of Ass" and is an incoherent ramble about every time we've had anal sex. FML
Today, I was proud when I started a confrontation with my best friend's brother because he is a sexist pig who treats women like crap. Six hours later my pride was gone: I made him an after-sex sandwich. FML
Today, I'm staying with my in-laws. My husband is fighting with his dad, who's fighting with his brother-in-law, who's fighting with his wife. The only ones not fighting are my sister-in-law and her boyfriend, who're getting along great on a squeaky mattress in the room next to mine. FML
Today, I had a nightmare in which I was haunted by the ghost of my foreskin. I then spent the whole day moping around, wondering what my life would've been like if my parents hadn't opted to slice it off. Will I see you in heaven, long-lost ghostly foreskin? FML
Today, my mum staggered home, piss drunk. When I tried to walk her to her room, she shoved me away and cursed at me for being a "goody two-shoes". She then slurred "I fucked your mum", and informed me that my mum is a skank. That's good to know, mum. FML
Today, while my hometown mayor becomes a world-famous crackhead and douche-bag, here in the UK it has come to this: when people hear my accent and ask me if I'm American, it's less embarrassing just to say, "Yeah", rather than admit I'm Canadian. FML
Monday 5 October 2015