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oathkeeper99's favorite FMLs
by Anonymous / 12/31/2009 at 3:06am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous
Today, I tried to get my girlfriend of nine months to have oral sex with me. She was eating a hot dog. She then said, "If you ask me again, this is what I'll do to you." She then bit the hot dog in half. FML
by Dontworryaboutit / 12/28/2009 at 5:16am / United States (New York) / Intimacy
Today, my mother confronted me about my bird's masturbation problem. We spent Christmas Eve Googling "bird masturbating" and watching videos to see if that was actually what my bird was doing. At least he's having a good Christmas. FML
by suuuuuupucci / 12/25/2009 at 1:25am / United States (California) / Animals
by Barstaff / 12/24/2009 at 6:20am / United Kingdom (Buckinghamshire) / Work
Today, I took a friend home from the hospital. She was on medication that made her drowsy. She fell onto her bed and asked me to help her take off some clothes since she had her winter gear on. She passes out and her roommate walks in and catches me undressing an unconscious girl. FML
by Nemesis2747 / 12/24/2009 at 1:09am / United States (New York) / Love
by blumaster04 / 12/22/2009 at 5:53pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous
Today, I received an early Christmas gift from my boyfriend of ten months. It was soap. In a few days he will be receiving his very expensive specialized car horn he has wanted for years, while I will be enjoying my new bar of Walmart brand soap, which has already begun to give me a rash. FML
by soapysoap / 12/10/2009 at 3:04am / United States (Georgia) / Love
by aawkward... / 12/09/2009 at 2:27pm / United States (Kentucky) / Intimacy
Today, I was at Target buying four coloring books. As I was in line, the woman behind me said that buying coloring books was a good idea to keep my kids occupied. I smiled and said that it would give me a few minutes to relax. I am a 26 year old guy with no kids. The coloring books were for me. FML
by 2old4thiscrap / 12/08/2009 at 1:06pm / United States (New York) / Kids
Today, I set off a fire alarm in school. I was taken to the head teacher's office, where he said that though he was shocked at my behavior, it was nice to see me being more like regular students and trying to fit in, instead of isolating myself as usual. I was shoved into the fire alarm by bullies. FML
by tawan / 12/04/2009 at 11:35am / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous
Today, I had to take a test that's required to pass the class. The test administor told us that those of us who were wearing hoodies would have to take them off. I would have taken mine off, but I was only wearing a bra underneath. There's no other days I can reschedule the test. FML
by wearashirt / 12/04/2009 at 2:55am / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous
by chacha / 11/28/2009 at 1:11pm / United States / Intimacy
Today, my boyfriend and I were gazing into each others' eyes in the moonlight after not having seen each other for a week. I thought he was going to say "I love you" and pull me in for a kiss. Instead, he said, "Since you can’t drive, we should get one of those two seater bicycles." FML
by tjcl / 11/28/2009 at 1:32am / United States (California) / Love
Today, I woke up in a closet of a four star hotel, having spent the night drinking. I am a secondary school teacher and I have been visiting this place on a school trip. My flight left at 4am this morning and it's now 1pm in the afternoon. FML
by Nicholasand / 11/23/2009 at 1:29pm / United Kingdom (Staffordshire) / Transportation
Today, I returned home for the first time in a year, and found my entire computer missing. I asked my grandma about this, and she told me that she threw "the TV" away because it "no longer responded to the remote control." FML
by missmycomp / 11/12/2009 at 9:36am / Singapore / Miscellaneous