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natheitz's favorite FMLs
Today, my therapist told me to write down my goals for the next five years. After thinking hard for what seemed like forever, all I could come up with was getting a girlfriend and having an FML published. And to be honest, I'm not even sure about that first one. FML
by Anonymous / 06/11/2016 at 1:03am / United States (California) / Health
by spadesmollusques / 06/06/2016 at 1:13am / France (Alsace) / Kids
by Anonymous / 06/01/2016 at 7:05am / Canada (Quebec) / Health
Today, I decided to work on my social anxiety by ordering some food. I waited in line, practicing my order in my head all the way. When I got to the front, I said my order with no mistakes. The cashier just stared blankly at me until I mumbled, "Never mind..." and left. FML
by EyesofStone / 05/31/2016 at 9:03pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I finally tested out my new robot vacuum cleaner. My puppy decided she would test it out too by leaving a brown surprise for it to find, which it did. There are now brown marks in every room of the house. FML
by justpeachy1989 / 05/26/2016 at 10:06am / Australia / Animals
Today, I was reminded what poverty is like when I had to choose between buying food and buying pads. Now, I have to take constant bathroom breaks and wipe off my pad. I don't get paid until after my period ends. FML
by poorgirl / 05/17/2016 at 9:03am / United States / Money
Today, I saw a man help an elderly lady with her tray at the local McDonald's. I wanted to do something nice for him, so I added a couple extra nuggets in his meal. He later came up to me and told me I was dumb and didn't know how to count, and that was why I was working at McDonald's. FML
by korbo7 / 05/16/2016 at 11:26pm / United States (Nebraska) / Work
by Anonymous / 05/14/2016 at 4:16pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous
by Chin... uh.... / 05/10/2016 at 6:42pm / United States (Arizona) / Kids
Today, I was trying to sleep, when I felt someone rattling my bed from underneath. Petrified from shock, I lied there for what felt like hours, waiting for a murderer to spring out. I must've finally fallen asleep, and when I woke up in the morning, I found out it was a minor earthquake. FML
by Nighty-nitrogen / 05/09/2016 at 8:07pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous
Today, while shopping, I told my wife I'd love some pork chops for dinner. Someone nearby muttered, "That's practically cannibalism, ya fat pig." My wife immediately had a "coughing attack" that sounded suspiciously like it was covering up laughter. FML
by dempasi / 05/06/2016 at 2:51pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 05/02/2016 at 5:42pm / United States (Iowa) / Work
Today, since I always fall asleep in class, I decided not to go to the bathroom beforehand, hoping the sensation to pee would keep me awake. I ended up falling asleep and wetting myself in the middle of the lecture. FML
by Pee.H.D / 05/02/2016 at 1:24pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by Pupluv183 / 05/02/2016 at 12:43pm / United States (Oregon) / Animals
Today, my boyfriend keeps requesting that I make eye contact when I give him blowjobs. He won't let up about it. I don't know how to break it to him that his penis is too small for me to suck and look upward at the same time. FML
by oh gee / 05/02/2016 at 1:01am / Intimacy