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  • - Concept : An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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myeyesareopen

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myeyesareopen
  • Town/Country : Not specified
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  • Number of visits : 256
  • Number of comments : 0
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 4 posted

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myeyesareopen's favorite FMLs

Today, while my girlfriend and I were getting it on, she suddenly stopped and yelled "STOP!". I stopped, scared I'd hurt her. She then yelled "HAMMER TIME!" and started to dance. We never finished. FML

#5286193 (192)

I agree, your life sucks (19309) - you deserved it (3440)

On 09/16/2009 at 1:19am - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Rhode Island)

Today, I thought it would be sexy to surprise my boyfriend by hiding in the closet naked and pouncing on him as he came to get his pants. I never got to the pouncing. Apparently my boyfriend has heightened reflexes so instead I got slapped hard across the face. My ear is still ringing. FML

#4995103 (200)

I agree, your life sucks (10385) - you deserved it (30191)

On 09/02/2009 at 7:19am - intimacy - by keepsmiling - France (Provence-Alpes-Cote d'Azur)

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend at her house. When things started heating up, I heard the front door open and my girlfriend said that it must be her Dad. She handed me my clothes, pushed me out the window, and told me to knock at the front door. Her Dad answered, holding my shoes. FML

#4779323 (96)

I agree, your life sucks (26289) - you deserved it (12184)

On 08/24/2009 at 5:57am - intimacy - by Mattyboy (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, my mother told me she's disappointed in me for not going to a better college, and that if I was in the top ten of my class that the rest of those ten must be really dumb. Fact is, I threw away the acceptance letters to Carnegie Mellon and Cornell because I didn't want her to have to pay. FML

#4705802 (257)

I agree, your life sucks (18024) - you deserved it (26122)

On 08/21/2009 at 10:20am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Connecticut)

Today, at work, a man bought a lot of really expensive stuff. He paid the large bill with cash, and the manager helped me count the money. When we were done, he handed me a $100 bill to thank me for all the help. We can't accept tips. The manager was next to me. I had to say no. FML

#4451238 (143)

I agree, your life sucks (52683) - you deserved it (2248)

On 08/11/2009 at 1:57pm - work - by aw-wtf (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I had a girl come over to my house that I had been texting for four days. I asked her what she wanted to do and she replied "take a nap". Becoming really excited I lead her to my bedroom and went to the hiding spot for my condoms, she was serious about the nap. FML

#4404906 (167)

I agree, your life sucks (7760) - you deserved it (41931)

On 08/09/2009 at 8:43am - love - by hugedissapointment (man) - United States (Georgia)

Today, my parents came to the restaurant I work at as a waiter. After, I picked up the check to realize they had left me a $500 tip! We split the tips among the employees so I only got $50 back but I was still psyched. When I got home they asked me if I had noticed that they used my credit card. FML

#4359168 (164)

I agree, your life sucks (46494) - you deserved it (4511)

On 08/07/2009 at 11:23am - money - by goin4broke (man) - United States (West Virginia)

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, I had my first orgasm. He thought something was wrong, so he stopped. FML

#4342060 (196)

I agree, your life sucks (52542) - you deserved it (5926)

On 08/06/2009 at 6:46pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, I was watching a movie with my new boyfriend. I got tired so I thought it would be cute to fall asleep on him. He woke me up and said "You got me wet" Thinking it was a joke, I said smoothly, "That's what she said" He replied "No really." I looked down, I'd drooled all over his shirt. FML

#4320217 (112)

I agree, your life sucks (12021) - you deserved it (26276)

On 08/05/2009 at 10:23pm - misc - by drooler (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I was trying to give my girlfriend an orgasm. While doing so she was lying on her back. I asked her: "How do you like that, baby?". She responded by asking where I bought the false ceiling and spotlights as she thought it would look good in her flat. She got bored instead of excited. FML

#4286858 (112)

I agree, your life sucks (28959) - you deserved it (12454)

On 08/04/2009 at 5:03pm - intimacy - by Hopelesslover (man) - Malta

Today, a friend offered to have sex with me, since I'm a 19 year old virgin who's only been kissed. He then added on that I would have to give him my Wii in return. FML

#4159325 (187)

I agree, your life sucks (37438) - you deserved it (4697)

On 07/30/2009 at 11:52am - intimacy - by VelocityMary (woman) - United States - moderated by the Jackass crew

Today, my boyfriend came over so that we could have some "fun". It turns out, his idea of foreplay is squishing my breasts together and making them talk. FML

#4113781 (178)

I agree, your life sucks (42479) - you deserved it (6055)

On 07/28/2009 at 6:28pm - intimacy - by notsexy (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my dad somehow found some pictures of my boyfriend having sex with some girl and went on a rampage about how pissed he was that he was cheating on me. I had to explain to my parents that I was the girl in the pictures. FML

#4062613 (112)

I agree, your life sucks (36719) - you deserved it (12656)

On 07/26/2009 at 8:53pm - intimacy - by omgwtfsam (woman) - United States (Michigan)

Today, I passed a homeless person asking for change. When I politely apologized and told him I had none, he yelled angrily "who comes to this city without money?" I replied "apparently, you do." Wrong answer. He followed me, now screaming. FML

#4029321 (215)

I agree, your life sucks (36255) - you deserved it (19554)

On 07/25/2009 at 12:39pm - money - by re2K5 (man) - Korea Republic of (Kyongsang-bukto)

Today, in the midst of foreplay, this girl tells me I am so hot, I respond "Ditto." She heatedly responds "I love ditto," to which I suavely reply "I didn't know you were into Pokemon. That may make you even sexier." She knows nothing about Pokemon, but I sure know how to kill the mood. FML

#3971030 (321)

I agree, your life sucks (12878) - you deserved it (53040)

On 07/23/2009 at 2:42am - intimacy - by MitchFail (man) - United States