About matthewdb : Still waiting for break away pants to make a come back.
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matthewdb's favorite FMLs
Today, I went on my first official date I've been on since my divorce. Things were going great until he ordered his fourth 32oz beer; he got hammered and became a horny octopus. Oh, and he farted whiled trying to give me a goodnight kiss. FML
by Username / 04/16/2011 at 4:39am / United States / Love
by Xanadu / 04/16/2011 at 3:04am / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy
by uncool / 04/16/2011 at 2:11am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by Username / 04/16/2011 at 1:14am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was sitting in the park eating a sandwich, when a homeless guy asked me for some spare change. I said I didn't have any. He offered an "erotic striptease" in exchange for my sandwich. I said no. He gave one anyway. I walked back to work on an empty stomach. FML
by :| / 04/15/2011 at 10:04pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work
Today, after watching over my drunken mother all last night to make sure she didn't choke on her own vomit, I came to the conclusion that at the age of 53, she's more of a party animal than I ever will be. I'm a 22 year old man. FML
by ForeverAlone / 04/15/2011 at 8:52pm / United Kingdom (Staffordshire) / Miscellaneous
by asdfjkl / 04/15/2011 at 3:51pm / United States (North Carolina) / Work
Today, I woke up with my eye swollen half shut. To spare the embarrassment, I asked my mom if I could stay home from school. She said no, but also attempted to make me feel better by saying that with my eye, my acne was unnoticeable. FML
by madi / 04/15/2011 at 3:13pm / United States (California) / Health
by Tjop / 04/15/2011 at 7:50am / South Africa (Western Cape) / Love
by ZaraAce / 04/15/2011 at 7:38am / United Kingdom (Bedfordshire) / Love
by Anonymous / 04/15/2011 at 2:57am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was at the hairdressers getting a trim. The lady doing my hair commented on how beautiful and luscious my hair was, which made me feel really good. I later overheard her telling her colleague that hair as nice as mine was wasted on someone with a face like mine. FML
by ugly / 04/15/2011 at 2:43am / Australia (Victoria) / Health
by fmyhabit / 04/15/2011 at 1:34am / United States (Utah) / Intimacy
Today, during a major argument with my girlfriend, I shoved a door open, which then rebounded and hit me in the face. I'm not sure which is more pathetic: that I was savaged by a door, or that I made up a story about kicking a mugger's ass to explain the huge black eye to my coworkers. FML
by Anonymous / 04/14/2011 at 8:53pm / Canada (Alberta) / Love
by fail / 04/14/2011 at 6:27pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health
- 1Today, I found out my parents have been slipping birth control pills into my morning orange juice… 2Today, I found out my husband has been catfishing my sixteen year-old brother for over a year. FML 3Today, I babysat a kid who was such a bratty little prick that I actually considered walking out on…