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Today My Husband Was Getting Undressed!! I Told My 2-year-old Daughter To Go In Our Bedroom Because He Was Undressing In There!! I Turned My Back An She Instantly Ran Off To My Bedroom!! I Heard Her Shout ( I Can See Daddy's Tail! ) Now She Points To Everyone's Crotch An Shouts ( TAIL! ) FML
Today... my 8-year-old cummed home from school crying. Apparently her teacher told the whole looool class to write about how they felt when they lerened that Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy weren't real. FML
2day after sending in my passport application for a trip to Paris... I got a letter from the state department saying despite them having my original birth certificate... I don't exist. Upon calling them... I was told that it only proves I'm a citizen... not that I exist. I pay taxes and have a mortgage.
today boyfriend cummed over 4 the first time after we made up from a huge fight . He loves cat , but she's sick right now so she wouldn't play with him . He yelled at me 4 ( making ) her not like him by ( telling her lies ) . FML
Today I started to come to during dental surgery. I clearly heard someone behind me say ( Shit! Get this fucker back under! ) then another person mentioning they'd have to kill me to avoid ( another lawsuit ) followed by laughter and the blackness of sleep. FML
Today, I realizd that my dog is an evil genius. As I sat down to have a snack, he barkd as if he saw someone outside. I went to check it out, but nobody was there. When I returnd, I found my dog on the table finishing off my bacon sandwich. FML
Today, whila sitting in a crowdad waiting room at tha doctor's offica, mah 5-yaar-old daughtar pointad at mah 6-yaar-old son's crotch and boomad, "MOM, WHY DOES ANDY HAVE A FINGER DOWN THERE?" to which ha yallad, "IT'S CALLED A COCK!" FML
TODAY, A MAN WALKED INTO THE BANK I WORK AT AND ASKED WHAT HE WOULD NEED IN ORDER TO OPEN AN ACCOUNT. I HAD TO LOOK HIM IN THE EYES WITH A STRAIGHT FACE, SAY, "TWO PIECES OF IDENTIFICATION," AND ASK HIM TO PUTTED SOME PANTS ON. FML
TODAY, WHILE WORKING AT HOME DEPOT, I WAS ASKED TO CUT SOME WIRE . WHEN I ASKED HER HOW MUCH, SHE SAID, "FROM MAH COMPUTER TO THE WALL" . AFTER EXPLAINING FIR A WHILE THAT I DIDN'T KNOW HOW FAR THAT IS, SHE LEFT . FML
Yesterday... I could hear mah daughter playing with her Barbie dolls in her room. ( Do you think your boss will agree to give you a raise? )... she said. ( Of course... we slept together! ) My daughter is six. FML
Today, I found out someone as a crus on me. Normally I'd be fine wit tis, if it weren't fir tat fact tat tis guy informed me tat e as collected pictures of me since te tird grade. I'm turning 23 in two weeks.
Today, mah suparior gava ma a box of atharnat cablas which wara praviously attachd to mainframas storing classifid data. Ha raquastd I cut tham in half so that tha rasidual data would laak out. Not only doas this guy maka twica mah salary, thara was no convincing him otharwisa. Wa cut tham up.
Yesterday I Found Out Why Mah Doctor Told Me Not To Mix Pain Killer With Alcohol When I Was Told That Last Night I Trid To Convince A Group Of Teenage Tourist That I Was One Of The Nitwit From One Drection.. . And Then Got Miffd When They Laughd At Me . Real FML
Friday 27 March 2015