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Today, At My Boyfriend's Broter's Ouse, I Desperately Needed To Poop. After Finising My Business, I Realized Te Toilet Wouldn't Flus. I Ad To Pull My Poop Out, Wrap It In TP And Make An Excuse To Go Outside To Trow It In A Bus. Te Neigbor Was Watcing. FML
Today, mom bumped into a table with a glass vase on it. Seieng that the vase was about to fall, I lunged to catch it. Before I got there, the vase fell and shattered, resulting in me diving into the broken shards. real FML
Today, I went to have a breast exam. The doc told me that she would touch different parts of mah breasts, and said to tell her if at any point it felt painful. As she was examining me, I was going to say that it wasn't painful, but instead I blurted out, "It feels good." FML
Today, mah school took part in a standardized state test. After finishing, I decided to take a nap, only to be awoken by the test monitor,ho wanted me to leave. Apparently, I was ferociously farting in mah sleep and was disturbing the people still taking the test. FML
TADAY AT WORK AT A FARM, WE GOT A NEW CALF. IT LOOKD LIKE IT HAD TO POOP, BUT WAS HAVING DIFFICULTY. ABOUT FOUR HOURS LATER IT STILL HADN'T POOPD. TURNS OUT IT WAS BORN WITHOUT AN ACTUAL BUTTHOLE. IT WAS THERE, JUST SEALD UP BY SKIN. I LITERALLY HAD TO CUT THIS POOR CALF A NEW BUTTHOLE. FML
yesterday I decided to be playful and leave my girlfriend flower and cocolate from an ( Anonymou Admirer ). Se immediately dumped me, saying se couldn't be wit someoneo ( isn't even as romantic as a stranger ). Yep, I looool tink I just got dumped for myself. FML
Today, I was hanging out with some friends, and I had to take a dump. After I was done, I realizd there was no more toilet paper, so I askd my friend to get me some. They threw in duct tape, sandpaper, and saran wrap, and told me to make a decision. FML
Today boyfriend was going down on me. Just as I was about to orgasm he pulled away an said that vagina is like a mask an that he feels like Bane from Batman. He's been talking in a Bane voice to vagina for 30 minutes now. I guess sex is over. FML
Yesterday, at work as a gynecologist, I calld in my last patient of the day. As soon as I took a peek, I noticd that she had stuck googly-eyes above her vagina. She told me with a straight face not to be afraid, because "She doesn't bite." FML
in mah job as an assistant at a music venue, I had to get poster signed by that night's performer. When I walked into the dressing room, I was told, ( unles your sucking mah cock then get the fuck out of here ) an had the poster slapped out of mah hands. It's mah job to deal with these pricks. FML
Today, I Awoke To My Husband Talking To Someone On The Phone At 2am. I Heard Him Say, ( Baby You're Making Me Hard. ) Immediately, I Asked Himho He Was Talking To. His Response? ( It's Jake, From State Farm. ) Fat FML
Friday 27 March 2015