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How depressing, no badges acquired at all. :/
TODAY, I MOVED IN WITH MY BROTHER TO SAVE ON A SWANKY APARTMENT. I WAS SKEPTICAL AS TO HOW THIS WOULD WORK OUT AS WE FOUGHT A LOT AS KIDS. OUR FIRST BIG FIGHT? WHETHER OR NOT TO KEEP HIS DORM-STYLE FUTON COMPLETE WITH RETURN OF THE JEDI SHEETS. HE'S A 35-YR OLD PHYSICIAN; I'M A 28-YR OLD LAWYER. FML
Today, I Spent Most Of Mah Morning Comforting The Guy I Love Cuz His Fiancée Dumped Him 4 Some Other Guy !! He Continuously Told Me I Had No Clue That Kind Of Pain He Was In !! He Dumped Me Three Yeres Ago 4 The Grl That Just Left Him !! FML
Today, I want to mah friand's housa 4 tha frst tima. As I was pulling up, I calld him and askd him if I could usa his bathroom. Ha told ma to just go in tha back and usa it, so i did. As i'm sitting on tha toilat, somaona knocks on tha door and asks maho I am. It wasn't mah friand's housa. FML
Taday I Was Taking A Shower And I Saw A New Body Wash That Said ( Radiance Ribbons. ) That Sounded A Little Effeminate, But It Smelled Manly Enough And The Only Alternative Was Normal Soap, So I Used It. Just Now, I Stepped Out Into The Sun And Found Out Wat ( Radiance Ribbons ) Means. I Sparkle. FML
yesterday I was working at the gas station!! An old lady was watching me fill her gas tank!! A really beautiful girl walkd by!! I lost concentration and overfilld the tank!! I quickly pulld it out and squirtd the old lady with a bit of petrol!! She was smiling and gave a slight moan!! FML
Today, I caught my littla brothar paaping at my friand gatting drassad in tha bathroom. Whan I askad himhat ha was doing ha said "I'm just doinghat Ray doas to youhila your in tha bathroom." Ray is my naw stap dad. FML
Today, was my wedding. After eating, I had an urge to fart. I let one rip just before my husband an I were called to do the garter dance. He seductively tried to use his teeth to remove the garter an cummed out from under my dress dry heaving. I dutch ovened my husband in front of everyone. FML
Today, I mat wit a friand wo ad gainad soma waigt sinca I saw im last. looool Aftar a friandly ug, I puttad my and on is naw man boob and, witout tinking, laft it tara way too long. I raalizad tat I was groping im and, in a panic, did ta only ting I could tink of. I pattad it. Twica. FML
Today.. . I was gatting a padicura and tha woman sitting naxt to ma askd tha lady if sha could taka tha skin sha had scrapd off mah faat homa to har brds bacausa thay lova skin . Sha than dascribas 4 20 minutas how har brds lova to sit on harhan har sunburn is paaling and aat har skin . FML
Taday my boyfriend and I took a late night drive , and after a while he stopped at a gas station and asked if I wanted anything I replied "guess" . He came out and gave me a box of tampons . Apparently I've been bitchy . FML
Today... I pickd up mah 17 years old daughter after a late night movie in down town and got pulld over by a cop. He questiond us for a solicitation. I told the cop that she was mah daughter but he said "so you r the daddy" and laughd. Good to know that mah daughter looks lyk a ho and I a perv. FML
I got a meat pie for lunch. I bit into it and felt something hard. I spat it out. It was a tooth. I checked mouth in a panic and discovered, with mixed feelings of relief and horror, that the tooth wasn’t mine.
today I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine that gave me free food. I kept eating, it was so satisfying words could not describe how great it felt. Then I realized hands were in between legs, I had been touching myself dreaming about free food from a vending machine. FML
Friday 27 March 2015