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kira74's favorite FMLs
Today, my friend told me he had just robbed a bank and needed a place to hide. Thinking he was joking, I let him in so we could hang out. 15 minutes later, the cops storm into my apartment. Now I'm an accomplice in a crime I thought was a joke. FML
by Anonymous / 06/10/2013 at 11:23pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 06/08/2013 at 6:34am / United States (Alabama) / Intimacy
Today, my little sister was scared to sleep alone, so my parents made her sleep in bed with me. I barely slept, due to the utter terror of waking up to her chanting into my ear in a low whisper, "This is where you die, this is where you die..." FML
by Anonymous / 06/06/2013 at 2:47pm / Isle of Man / Kids
Today, I went to a water park with a group of friends. As I went down the water slide, some complete turd waffle of a kid in the water kicked his leg out in line with my crotch. The moment I hit the bottom was the moment I think I became sterile. FML
by fuck kids / 06/06/2013 at 2:24pm / United States (New York) / Health
Today, I was at work talking to an older man. As our conversation ended, he said, "Thank you, ma'am." Then, he quickly stumbled over his words as he said, "I mean, thank you, sir. I meant sir. I think." He gazed at me for a moment in confusion, then darted away. FML
by SApprentice / 06/05/2013 at 12:25am / United States (Virginia) / Work
Today, my dad watched his first Lord of the Rings marathon. Now he keeps spouting lines from the movies, and thought it'd be funny to hide in my closet, just to jump out at me screaming, "My precious!" FML
by Anonymous / 06/02/2013 at 6:36pm / United Kingdom (Thurrock) / Miscellaneous
by H1dd3n / 06/01/2013 at 7:31pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, I went to the pharmacy to buy condoms. My card was declined, and I had to stand and watch in morbid fascination as the man behind me kindly paid for my purchase. His reason was "God forbid a maxed out Visa should get in the way of fucking." FML
by Samprib / 06/01/2013 at 1:09am / United States (Indiana) / Intimacy
Today, at the supermarket, an old lady asked for directions to the produce aisle. Having read way too many stories lately on this very site about awful elderly folks, I was wary, but helped her out. She gave me an awkward hug in thanks, lifting my wallet in the process, as I later found out. FML
by speechless / 05/31/2013 at 8:50pm / United Kingdom (Wirral) / Money
by Anonymous / 05/31/2013 at 12:05am / United States (Tennessee) / Work
by life insurance for 1 / 05/30/2013 at 12:29pm / United States (California) / Kids
Today, I uttered the phrase "the pot calling the kettle black" in class. Moments later, I'd been called a "racist twerp" and kicked out of class by the same English teacher who once tried to have another kid suspended for using the word "titillate", because apparently it's "pornographic". FML
by Anonymous / 05/30/2013 at 11:20am / United Kingdom (Northamptonshire) / Love
by Abrams52 / 05/28/2013 at 1:44am / United States (Indiana) / Intimacy
Today, my girlfriend had someone else dump me via text message. I knew it wasn't her because for once I wasn't being viciously insulted, and it wasn't written as if an illiterate baboon had taken a shit all over her keypad. I can't even feel happy about being rid of her. FML
by yesguysgetabusedtoo / 05/24/2013 at 7:42pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Love
Today, whilst driving past a cyclist, I thought it would be funny to make him jump by blasting my horn right behind him and then driving off. I guess he thought it would be funny to catch up with me, yank off my wing-mirror, and hurl it through the open window at my face. FML
by faitoh / 05/23/2013 at 6:00pm / United Kingdom (Lisburn) / Transportation
- 1Today, I found out my parents have been slipping birth control pills into my morning orange juice… 2Today, I found out my husband has been catfishing my sixteen year-old brother for over a year. FML 3Today, I babysat a kid who was such a bratty little prick that I actually considered walking out on…