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kenoswild's FML badges
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kenoswild's favorite FMLs
Today, a kid grabbed the receiver to my cochlear implant and ran off with it. I went to a security guard, and, if my lip reading was accurate, he said to "try and make it through the day without it". Without it, I can't hear anything. FML
by Anonymous / 01/06/2011 at 5:57pm / United States (Virginia) / Health
by Anonymous / 01/01/2011 at 12:29am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was speeding a little on the highway. I thought I saw a police car, so I slammed on my brakes, causing the person behind me to rear end me. The "police car" I saw was just a broken down car on the side of the road. FML
by fuckina / 11/29/2010 at 12:34pm / United States (New York) / Transportation
by Anonymous / 11/27/2010 at 12:57am / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy
Today, I went to see a famous rapper perform. My girlfriend got us up to the front to get pictures with him. He went to give me a high-five, I thought it was a fist-bump, so I made a fist. So he made a fist while I made a palm to match his retracted high-five. Then I panicked, cupped his fist and ran. FML
by blackitalian / 11/26/2010 at 10:43am / United States / Miscellaneous
by mydadsawsooomuch / 11/17/2010 at 8:26am / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 11/13/2010 at 1:24am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, I got back from a three week trip in the Alaska back-country. I survived climbing fatally steep mountains, white water rafting in a freezing glacier river, and a near bear attack. Despite all that, a badly thrown frisbee managed to split my eyebrow in half. FML
by Gabby125 / 09/18/2010 at 10:54pm / United States (North Carolina) / Health
by Soresack / 01/04/2010 at 8:34am / United States (Arizona) / Health
Today, I slept in late and when I woke up, thought I was the only one in the house so I decided to walk around the corner to the only upstairs bathroom naked. My dad also slept in, also thought he was the only one in the house, and also decided to walk to the bathroom naked. We collided. FML
by malebonding / 08/17/2009 at 9:50am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was taking a serious shit when the light bulb burned out. I am terrified of the dark and began wailing and crying. My mom had to pick the lock and get me out. I'm a 17 year old guy and captain of the Varsity football team. My little brother recorded it and plans on showing everyone. FML
by scaredshitless / 08/07/2009 at 12:11am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, I flew to see my long distance boyfriend who I haven't seen in 6 months. Upon seeing me, he ran up to me, picked me up and swung me around like they do in the movies. In doing so, my foot hit a 4 year old child who was running past and knocked him out. FML
by airport / 05/10/2009 at 2:49pm / United States (Illinois) / Love
Today, I locked my keys in my car. After spending 20 minutes on the phone with AAA, and then waiting a half hour, the guy showed up, he stuck his hand in the drivers side window and asked, "You couldn't just reach in?" I forgot I left the window open. FML
by .... / 04/17/2009 at 12:49pm / United States (New York) / Transportation
Today, my rescue squad unit responded to a 911 call from a woman who felt she was going to pass out. We knocked on her locked door a couple times with no answer. Fearing she might be unconscious, I kicked in the door. She was about to open it and only passed out from the concussion I gave her. FML
by mrWrong / 03/24/2009 at 9:20pm / United States (Virginia) / Work
Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediately ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said "Bermuda, 1989". They've told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I've seen my own conception. FML
by ihatevideos / 03/16/2009 at 7:08pm / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy