About keepcalmandbacon : One does not simply write a description of oneself on FML.
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keepcalmandbacon's favorite FMLs
by Anonymous / 08/27/2013 at 3:21am / Canada (New Brunswick) / Geek
by cassidy_smith12 / 08/24/2013 at 10:55am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 08/20/2013 at 6:46pm / United Kingdom (Sheffield) / Intimacy
Today, I got fired from my job at an age care facility because I was too nice to my residents. My boss told me "They're deaf, blind and about to jump head first into the grave. We don't pay you to be kind." FML
by sweet23 / 08/18/2013 at 7:43am / Australia (Queensland) / Work
Today, after a long and stressful day, I started fooling around with my boyfriend. When we finally got to the main event, I found out that we couldn't, because he'd used all his condoms to make water balloons. FML
by frustrated / 08/17/2013 at 6:56pm / Ireland (Kerry) / Intimacy
Today, I slipped and fell down the stairs, landing hard on my knee. Through my screams of agony, my mom accused me of exaggerating the pain, and said I was just being an attention seeker, before finally taking me to hospital. I was told my leg was broken. She refused to apologize. FML
by Anonymous / 08/15/2013 at 1:39pm / Spain (Comunidad Valenciana) / Health
Today, I discovered I have epilepsy. 10 years ago, I told my mother about my frequent fits of vertigo, deja vu, nausea, flashes of memory and strange sounds, smells, and images, coupled with an other-worldly feeling. I thought they were holy visions. So did she. FML
by seizure_girl / 08/15/2013 at 9:32am / United States (South Dakota) / Health
by HoratioNo / 08/14/2013 at 2:41am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by ANON / 08/13/2013 at 7:53pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
by really? / 08/13/2013 at 2:58am / United States / Love
Today, my 26-year-old boyfriend came to my apartment to spend the night for the first time. He brought a "blankie" that he insisted was the only thing that could help him sleep. That "blankie" was his ex-girlfriend's silk nightgown. FML
by iwearsilkgownstoeatwaffles / 08/12/2013 at 10:30am / United States (Texas) / Love
Today, my house was broken into. After we called the police, my dad started calling himself Sherlock Holmes and talking in a British accent. He insists on calling me Watson. He is going around the neighborhood acting like Sherlock, investigating stuff. He won't stop. FML
by MarissaKayleen / 08/12/2013 at 6:06am / Canada (Saskatchewan) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was walking along the beach at night with my family. A huge wave came up and knocked me over. When we got to the van, I realized that the keys that had been in my pocket were now in the ocean. Our cell phones, shoes, and money were in the van. We had to walk three miles to our hotel. FML
by cricketsins / 08/11/2013 at 3:28am / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was in the shower with my boyfriend, and things started to get heated. That's where it all went to hell; I slipped and fell, bringing down with me the curtain and grooming products, and putting my back out. There goes my sex life. FML
by hunchback of notre bite / 08/09/2013 at 6:23pm / Korea, Republic of / Intimacy
Today, I sprayed down some ants in my house. In the sea of ant corpses was a single living ant seemingly cradling a dead one in its arms. I'm convinced I just became the villain in an epic tragedy. Now I have to live with my ant problem because I can't bear to tear another family apart. FML
by Blood on my hands / 08/07/2013 at 1:40am / United States / Animals
- Today, I texted my ex boyfriend that I still loved him. He texted back asking if this was some sort… Today, I went to the mall with my daughter. She asked me if she could go see Santa, so I said yes.… Today, while at Wendy's with my boyfriend, I realized that he made more pleasure sounds when eating…