About keepcalmandbacon : One does not simply write a description of oneself on FML.
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keepcalmandbacon's favorite FMLs
Today, I was pushed off of a glacier by a very angry tourist. Why? I work as a glacier guide, and apparently some people find it overly frustrating to be informed that there isn't a café on the glacier. FML
by Quasimodo / 10/18/2013 at 8:40am / Norway (Hordaland) / Work
Today, it hit me that I'm incredibly pathetic, when at the age of 21, I tucked my stuffed animals into bed with me, facing in different directions so they could keep watch for monsters while I slept. FML
by SaveMeTeddy / 10/16/2013 at 2:48pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous
by lovehurts / 10/14/2013 at 12:02pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love
Today, my weird neighbor is a conspiracy theorist and thinks the government is trying to kill him. Someone thought it would be funny to shine a red laser light through his window. I was on the stairs when he ran past, screaming bloody murder, sending me down a flight of steps. FML
by Anonymous / 10/14/2013 at 3:13am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous
Today, my mom was acting really pissy, and I couldn't help but mutter that she must be on her period. Five hours later, I'm glued to the toilet with my phone, because she went all out for revenge and spiked my dinner with some hellishly potent kind of laxative. FML
by Anonymous / 10/12/2013 at 6:03pm / Iceland (Borgarfjardarsysla) / Health
by fuck.jpg.bmp.gif.rar.zip.shit / 10/12/2013 at 4:28pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Love
Today, I had horrible morning sickness, but being starving, I had some canned soup. My husband soon came into the room and commented on how the leeks in the soup looked like chunks of vomit. The visual caused me to vomit all over the table. FML
by jnisla / 10/11/2013 at 6:44pm / United States (South Carolina) / Health
Today, my mother kept nagging at me because my 9-month-old daughter only calms down when I play her metal. She demands I use gospel, otherwise she will turn into a "devil-worshipping lunatic like her mother". FML
by SlapAndTickle / 10/10/2013 at 11:04pm / United States / Kids
by DisgustinglyFrustrated / 10/10/2013 at 11:40am / Argentina (Santa Fe) / Intimacy
Today, I started to come to during dental surgery. I clearly heard someone behind me say "Shit! Get this fucker back under!" then another person mentioning they'd have to kill me to avoid "another lawsuit", followed by laughter and the blackness of sleep. FML
by Anonymous / 10/06/2013 at 5:49pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health
by NestHead / 10/01/2013 at 1:32pm / Russian Federation (Moscow City) / Animals
by sothisishowidie / 09/30/2013 at 7:18am / Guam / Miscellaneous
by -___- / 09/29/2013 at 3:46pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy
Today, I got a text from someone I met last night at a bar. We texted all day and planned to meet up later. The whole time I had in my mind who he was, but when we met up it was someone completely different that I didn't remember. I had to sit through the whole date pretending I knew him. FML
by MixMastaKDizzle / 09/23/2013 at 4:23am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous
Today, I started shaking my son's Little Bill doll in frustration, as the batteries weren't working. My nosy neighbor saw through the window and called the cops. They wouldn't believe me and now the whole neighborhood thinks I'm a child abuser. FML
by baddad / 09/23/2013 at 12:44am / United States / Kids