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I never take things to heart
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jordi55's favorite FMLs
Today, my boyfriend and I were visiting his parents. I'm nervous around them so he encouraged me to drink so I'd loosen up. I got so drunk I tore up all the things in his old room I thought were from ex-girlfriends and accidentally flashed his dad my crotch. FML
by Anonymous / 02/13/2013 at 12:07am / United States (Kansas) / Miscellaneous
Today, I had my girlfriend over for dinner with my family. My father had dressed up as a girl for a recent gig of his at a local pub. This got somehow brought up at the table. The rest of the dinner conversation consisted of him and my girlfriend discussing bras and lingerie. FML
by BadLuckCarson / 02/12/2013 at 12:55am / United States (Iowa) / Love
Today, I realized that the air freshener in my bathroom and the air freshener in my girlfriend's bedroom are the exact same scent. Now, every time I go to the bathroom I get an erection, and every time my girlfriend and I have sex in her room, I think about shitting. FML
by thefriedman / 02/11/2013 at 11:59pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
by excusemeprincess / 02/11/2013 at 12:08pm / United States (New York) / Love
Today, I bought a fish. I put the tank on top of the fridge so my cat wouldn't get at it. I'd forgotten to buy some things for its tank, so I quickly ran out to get them. When I got home, I saw the tank destroyed on the floor, and my cat devouring my fish. I had the fish for less than an hour. FML
by fish killer / 02/07/2013 at 10:58pm / Canada / Animals
Today, as a firefighter, we were called to assist the ambulance crew with lifting a deceased patient out of a house. Little did I know, he had been dead inside for 3 weeks, and was bloated and popped like a water balloon when we attempted to move him. My girlfriend made soup for the evening meal. FML
by Fireguy92 / 01/31/2013 at 11:39pm / United States (Michigan) / Work
Today, during my first day as a medical intern in a new ward, I was performing a rectal exam. My supervisor thought it would be funny to burst into the room and scream, "Who are you?! You don't even work here, you pervert!" FML
by anonymous / 01/30/2013 at 5:13am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
by ohfuckwaffles / 01/29/2013 at 12:28am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy
by hopelessteej / 01/28/2013 at 8:55am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was trying on some shoes. As I was bending down, an old lady with a walking frame slowly approached. As she got close she whispered to me "Mmm, you've got a nice tushie." My girlfriend will not let me hear the end of it. FML
by Creeped out / 01/28/2013 at 3:14am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Miscellaneous
by anon / 01/13/2013 at 10:00pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
Today, my husband and I found the perfect house, in our price range and everything we wanted in a house. However, the street it's on is called "Arbour Butte Road". My husband refuses to buy it because he doesn't want it to sound like he lives "in a tree's ass." I'm married to an idiot. FML
by it's just a name / 01/10/2013 at 12:53am / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous
Today, it's been 13 months since I've been living in the States. I've been called a Nazi, asked if we have electricity in Germany, and been made fun of the way I speak with my "German accent", the list goes on. I'm not even German, I'm Danish. FML
by LearnGeographyUSA / 12/12/2012 at 1:45am / United States (Washington) / Kids
Today, I announced to my coworkers that I'd "fixed the massive problem" they'd all been complaining about. Eleven different people made guesses at what the problem had been, ranging from how bad I smell to if I had learned to brush my teeth. I just meant that I'd fixed the coffee machine. FML
by Anonymous / 12/11/2012 at 10:50pm / Australia (Queensland) / Work