hey pple... im Jessica... to make it simple- im a sweet, fun, crazy, stupid, smart, friendly, etc, girl who loves this website :D
Today, I woke up with a ridiculous hangover and no memory of last night. I called my friend who proceeded to tell me that I was so trashed I ended up eating all the hamburgers and chicken fingers in her fridge. I've been a vegetarian for 15 years. FML
I agree, your life sucks (4880) - you totally deserved it (22002)
On 11/18/2009 at 4:11pm - misc - by squishy (woman) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, I saw a grasshopper in the urinal so I decided to pee on it. It jumped out, scared the hell out of me, and I peed all over myself. FML
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On 11/14/2009 at 4:37pm - misc - by TheMichaelNixon - United States (Tennessee)
Today, I returned home for the first time in a year, and found my entire computer missing. I asked my grandma about this, and she told me that she threw "the TV" away because it "no longer responded to the remote control." FML
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On 11/12/2009 at 9:36am - misc - by missmycomp (man) - Singapore
Today, I found out that my sister who is 16 years older than me is actually my biological mother. She and my parents decided it was best that I didn't know who my real mother was, and to be raised by my grandparents as their child. I've always hated my sister. FML
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On 10/07/2009 at 12:07pm - misc - by dinosaurman (man) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, my boyfriend's head was on my lap. I bent down to kiss him. My stomach rolls got there first. FML
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On 10/04/2009 at 5:40pm - love - by Anonymous - Canada (Ontario)
Today, I told my daughter how her eyes look exactly as pretty as my wife's. She told me that she loved the way my eyeballs stick out of my face, just like Elmo. FML
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On 10/03/2009 at 8:33am - kids - by dessaye (man) - Singapore
Today, I went to eat with my girlfriend, her parents and my mother. My mother complained about every aspect of the service. When I told her she needed to assert herself, she took her pocketbook and hit me over the head. The whole restaurant stared at us while she yelled "Is that assertive enough?" FML
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On 09/29/2009 at 7:31am - misc - by User06606 (man) - United States (Connecticut)
Today I was having a really bad day and told my friend at lunch about how stressed I was and he gave me his brownie to cheer me up. After school, he texted me "Did the brownies kick in?" Yes, they did, right in the middle of my English presentation. They were "funny" brownies. FML
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On 09/10/2009 at 5:34pm - misc - by englishclasshigh (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)
Today, I got stuck in an elevator for 45 minutes. I am an elevator mechanic. FML
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On 09/10/2009 at 2:02am - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Washington)
Today, was my grandmother's funeral and we had to sing. My dad is a horrible singer, and I tried my hardest not to laugh, I turned red faced and tears were falling from my eyes. My step mother held my hand and said that she was in a better place. I couldn't hold it any longer. I laughed my ass off. FML
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On 07/29/2009 at 9:44pm - misc - by shewholaughsatthedead (woman) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, the cops showed up to check out a child abuse complaint, I then had to spend an hour explaining that I had given my son a suppository. The neighbors heard him sobbing hysterically "Daddy, why did you put that in my butt? It hurts." My neighbor had heard and thought I was raping my son. FML
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On 06/24/2009 at 5:11pm - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)
Today, I was peeing in the shower when my girlfriend suddenly pulled open the shower curtain in an attempt to scare me. Startled, I quickly spun around and peed all over her dress. FML
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On 06/14/2009 at 8:46am - misc - by locksmack (man) - Australia (Victoria)
Today, I was working at a day care center. A 5 year old boy came up to me telling me he wanted to eat my face. Confused, I asked him why. He said, "Because your face looks like pizza." FML
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On 05/29/2009 at 5:09pm - health - by PiZzA_FaCe (man) - United States (Illinois)
Today, I was preparing a dinner for some business associates, in hopes of closing the deal on a promotion. I emailed them with the menu, in case there were any allergies. Hours later, I checked the email again to find that instead of serving the Roast Duck I would be serving the Roast Fuck. FML
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On 05/25/2009 at 5:42pm - misc - by wordmalfunction (man) - United Kingdom (London)
Today, I was at the mall blasting music, I was wearing a nice shirt and had my ipod in my breast pocket when I noticed a cute girl smiling at me so I smiled back and she started to walk over while turning down my music while smiling. It looked like I was rubbing my nipple. FML
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On 05/20/2009 at 11:08pm - love - by zero_minded12 (man) - United States (Illinois)
